Link Fly-Fishing, Watching TV and Video Games: 22 Real College Classes
You can't be an expert at screwing around without a college degree.
Video Soccer Tip: Don't Slap the Ref
It's more appropriate to kick a ref in the face.
News Neurologist: "Tests show Sidney Crosby isn't just some big pussy"
"It's good news and bad news," said Dr. Emmitt Ralston of The Neurology Center at the University of Toronto. "The good news is that, despite Crosby's perception among many NHL fans, he's not being a big pussy. He's a tough kid. It's just that he has suffered a serious injury. That would be the bad news part."
Crosby last played in a game on January 5, 2011, and now it is expected he might miss training camp and the start of the NHL regular season — if not longer.
"Missing almost a year for a concussion sounds like classic pussydom," said Dr. Ralston. "And that's what I initially expected to find. In fact, at first we didn't even do any sort of neurological tests. We just sat Sidney down and said: 'Hey, man. Why you being such a pussy?'"
It was only after Crosby repeatedly insisted that he was still experiencing concussion symptoms that Dr. Ralston and his staff relented and conducted a series of brain scans.
Link Nolan Ryan: Strikeout Artist and Bad Baseball Card Artist
In many ways, the baseball card era was worse for baseball than the steroids era.
Opinion Why All of Your NFL Fantasy Picks Suck
Did you pick any of these guys in your fantasy draft? Well they, and you, suck. Here's why. (Note: players ranked using ESPN.com's fantasy rankings.)
1. Adrian Peterson, RB, Vikings — Congratulations. Your top running back has run the ball a staggering 1,945 times over the past 7 seasons, is coming off of the lowest yardage season of his pro career, is running behind a crap line, is prone to fumbling and now has Donovan McNabb as his quarterback, so opposing defenses will have 11 men in the box. Great pick. Idiot.
2. Arian Foster, RB, Texans — Oh, jeez. Where to start. You just had to have a player from the mighty Texans, huh? Well, here's the problem: you wanted Arian Foster last year. You probably also drafted Domanick Davis in 2005, one year after he was good. And Steve Slaton in 2009, one year after he was good. Detect a pattern? It's you, and the Texans, sucking. (We won't even go into the fact that you reached for a guy whose name is basically "Aryan", you racist.)
3. Chris Johnson, RB, Titans — Oh, yeah. When he reports to the team in Week 3, plays for the first time in Week 4, starts in Week 5 and then gets hurt in Week 6, that one, full game of action will really be worth the pick. But don't feel bad. In an alternate reality where Johnson wasn't a holdout, you really got a steal here! Super work, guy!
4. Jamaal Charles, RB, Chiefs — Unlike Peterson, Charles hasn't been overused. He has only 487 carries in 3 NFL seasons. Which is also why he's a crap pick. The Chiefs are protecting him by making him share carries with Thomas Jones and Dexter McCluster. So unless your league awards points for Running Back Freshness or Lack Of Running Back Sweat, you're screwed.
5. Maurice Jones-Drew, RB, Jaguars — Hey! Guess who had offseason knee surgery? This guy. Hey! Guess whose starting quarterback is still David Garrard? This guy. Hey! Guess whose fantasy team sucks? Yours.
Video Rowing Through the Airport
Good luck getting those oars onboard as a carry-on.
Opinion The 7 Players on Every LLWS Team
#1 — The Crier
He was a valuable member of the team all tournament season. But now that they have advanced to the Little League World Series and are playing before thousands of people every game and millions more on ESPN, his little pre-teen emotions can't handle it.
If he falls down a strike, he starts to tear up. Two strikes and he's openly weeping. Even if he gets ahead in the count, he starts to cry because — Ohmigod! I'm in a hitter's count! That's more pressure to produce!
Thankfully, The Crier's awful performance usually cuts into his playing time, because no one wants to see a 12-year-old kid piss his pants on national television. Actually, no. That would be hilarious. Keep him in there, coach!
#2 — The Giant Power Hitter
This is one freakishly enormous kid. He towers over everyone else on the team and has had his birth certificate questioned by opposing coaches more than Barack Obama's birth certificate is questioned on right wing message boards.
The Giant Power Hitter always plays first base, but it's the only time he spends on first because when he makes contact with the baseball it's always a home run. It's no stretch to imagine this kid as a future major league star — except for the fact that he's just a kid with early-onset puberty who, in five years, will be cut from his varsity team for being too small.
Picture Marlins Fever is the Opposite of a Pandemic
Don't worry. When they build their new stadium the crowds will be in the triple digits.
