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Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III announced today that his engagement his off.

"We never planned to get married. I never planned to get married. I'm rich, famous and 23 years old. Why would I get married?" said Griffin. "We just did this to get free stuff from stupid fans by putting up an online registry. And it worked!"

"Fans are such morons!" said a cackling Griffin, while randomly turning on and off some 50 blenders he received from fans who ordered them off of his wedding registry. "And look at me now! No man has ever had so much loot from Bed Bath & Beyond. Life doesn't get better than this!"

In addition to the four or five dozen blenders — "I lost count," said Griffin, "but I'll definitely be getting my blend on" — Griffin got three Oneida Satin Sand Dune 45-Piece Flatware sets, giving him an impressive haul of 135 pieces of silverware.

"It's an embarrassment of silverware," said Griffin. "My teammates are going to be so jealous."

Your friend Jeff, who normally around this time of year is bitching about "the same teams always being in the playoffs," now has a stick up his ass about the Indiana Pacers and Memphis Grizzlies being in the NBA conference finals.

"Pacers and Grizzlies? Who gives a crap about them?" says Jeff. "I can't name a player on either team."

Jeff isn't too jazzed about the San Antonio Spurs being in the Western Conference Finals either.

"I'm so sick of them. They're so boring," he said. "And it's another small market team that no one gives a crap about," he added — oddly, considering just weeks ago he said David Stern and the NBA officials conspire to advance big market teams in the playoffs.

"I don't want to watch these nobody teams in the playoffs," said Jeff. "What I wouldn't give to see the Lakers and Celtics still around."

Jeff made this statement without irony despite bitching incessantly during the 2010 NBA Finals about having to watch the Lakers and Celtics. "Enough with these teams already," he said then. "The NBA needs some new blood."

The handlers of Kentucky Derby winner Orb say the horse has been acting sad and lethargic in recent days after hearing its next race is in Baltimore at the Preakness Stakes.

"Orb has really be down since we mentioned where we were going to him in his stall," said trainer Shug McGaughey. "I had no idea that even horse had a bad impression of Baltimore, but I guess they do. Hopefully he can snap out of it and get his energy back for the race."

Stuart Janney III, the horse's owner, says he has tried to tell Orb that Baltimore is not as bad as its reputation.

"All cities have their warts," said Janney. "I told Orb about the aquarium there and, you know, the baseball stadium and … some decent neighborhoods, probably. But apparently one of our stall hands is a big fan of 'The Wire' and talks about it all the time. So no matter what I say, Orb thinks we're basically taking him to hell."