2. Making you eat healthy foods like fruits and vegetables. So much for growing into the obese body of an NFL offensive lineman. Child obesity leads to NFL riches. Read a parenting book, mom!
3. Teaching you how to read. It's not a coincidence that no SEC school ever contacted you about playing after that. What was she thinking in teaching you about thinking?
4. Limiting your hours playing video games. Mom, you idiot, it's impossible to learn how to read a defense if you play less than five hours of Madden a day.
5. Making you go to bed at a reasonable time. You could have gotten a lot of training done at 2:00 a.m. when you were a little kid. You were robbed of countless extra practice time. Way to screw that up, MOM!
It's one of Jack Nicholson's greatest performances yet.
"I am as shocked as anyone, trust me," said Sanchez. "Every day I stay employed as a quarterback is both a blessing and a total and complete surprise. I am also kind of stunned that the Jets are still considered a professional football team."
The Jets had signed veteran quarterback David Garrard earlier in the offseason and drafted Geno Smith in the second round of the NFL Draft, further crowding an already muddled quarterback situation on the team.
"I had an idea that my days were numbered, considering that they wouldn't put me on the field at all last year," said Tebow. "But holy shit, how does Mark Sanchez still have a job? And, yes, I just cursed for the first time in my life. It seems 100-percent appropriate in this situation. Mark Sanchez? Guy fking sucks."
He's the next Mel Kiper, Jr.
"According to my agent, all of the teams backed away from me because they feel I am a 'total and complete moron,' to quote him," said Te'o. "He said they think I'm the dumbest person ever and they say that's even relative to other football players, which therefore and again, I'm quoting possibly makes me the 'dumbest person in the entire world.'"
Tom Condon, Te'o's agent, confirmed teams' sentiments towards the linebacker.
"Wow. Te'o remembered everything I said perfectly," said Condon. "Probably because I spoke very, very slowly and made him repeat the words back to me and also made sure there were no shiny objects in the room when I was talking to him."
He held the Heisman Trophy above his head as he ran across the stage, exiting stage right. Seconds later, a phalanx of topless young women ran across the stage in pursuit of Manziel.
"Johnny Manziel, ladies and gentlemen," commissioner Roger Goodell said, barely skipping a beat, after the models exited the stage. "What a kid, huh?"
NFL officials had reportedly been alerted before the draft that Manziel was partying in New York City Thursday night for a paper he is working for school called "Partying in New York City on the Night of the 2013 NFL Draft" and that an incident could occur.