Most of the hitting infections have occurred near Houston, Anaheim, San Diego, Toronto and Philadelphia, as pitchers in those cities have been found to have the type of slow fastballs and hanging curveballs on which the virus thrives.
According to the CDC's analysis, the virus has been active for years but started to spread actively several weeks ago when Astros pitcher Philip Humber repeatedly grooved fastballs to Cleveland Indians hitters in a 19-6 loss. A highly contagious form of hitting has spread ever since.
The CDC fears worries it will be difficult to control.
"Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay was spreading hitting to everyone in his first few starts of the season, but then it went into remission for a few weeks," said Phillies team physician Geoff Hartman. "We though it might be under control. Unfortunately, it flared up worse than ever Tuesday night, when he gave out eight runs on nine hits and three home runs in just three innings. I've never seen hitting become that contagious that fast. It's terrifying."
You would be honored to have a drunken Patrick Kane throw up on you.
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You struggle to understand a world in which Katy Perry is considered to be more famous and talented than Corey Perry.
Gallery April's Funniest Sports Photos
"At my lowest point, I never dreamed of being where I am today," said Hamilton. "I dreamed more about playing really well for a good team. But sometimes things don't work out quite like you'd hope. If you had offered me .202 and getting booed back in 2005, would have taken it. At least, I probably would have."
One definite positive of Hamilton's current situation is that he is getting paid $17 million to be a massive, gaping hole in the middle of Anaheim's lineup with $106 million more due to him in the next four years.
"I suspect the Angels want me to hit, like, lots of home runs and have a high batting average and stuff like that," said Hamilton. "But I think they would agree that even if I never get another hit in my entire life, my life's story is pretty remarkable. As remarkable as the fact that major league contracts are completely guaranteed? No. But remarkable nonetheless."
News Penguins Worried Sidney Crosby Will Struggle to Make Plays Inside New Protective Plastic Bubble
"We haven't yet found a bubble that allows him to hold his stick outside of the bubble to stickhandle the puck," said head coach Dan Bylsma. "That is usually a big aspect of Sid's game. Right now he can only push the puck along the ice with his bubble as he rolls it. He's still making plays that way in practice, but it's not quite the same thing."
The Penguins have also struggled to keeps Crosby's bubble inflated, as his razor-sharp skates have repeatedly sliced through it, leaving him in nothing but a hockey helmet, protective face shield, shoulder pads and chest protector, elbow pads, padded gloves, padded hockey pants, knee/shin guards and reinforced skates essentially unprotected.
"I don't think we can risk that happening in a game," said Bylsma. "Sure, he might be able to last a shift or two, but eventually he's going to get hurt. And hurt bad. He'll take a slap shot off the neck or 400-pound speaker from the arena ceiling will break loose, fall and land on him. It's just his luck."
"Alright, we've got Jimmie Ray from Smyrna calling in and he wants to talk about gay athletes," Crazy Mike just said. "You're on the air, Jimmie Ray."
Oh, God. His name is Jimmie Ray. This is going to be even worse than you feared.
"Yeah, hey, Crazy Mike. Yeah, I just wanted to talk about this NBA guy saying he's gay," said Jimmie Ray. "Now, I've never heard of him before because I don't really like NBA basketball. I don't think half of them try all season and when they do, it's only for the last few minutes of the game."
Please. Please someone stop this. Please. It's going to get racial and homophobic. Cut the line.
"And I learned in church growing up that homosexuality is a sin," continued Jimmie Ray.
Sweet mercy. This is a complete disaster. HANG UP ON HIM! You don't want sports radio callers talking about these issues! They're America's dumbest people! SOMEONE DO SOMETHING BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
That's a good kick. He must have played soccer before.