Opinion

Atlanta Hawks: The Hawks are your favorite local pro team because they never break your heart in the playoffs because you're never foolish enough to expect anything from them.

Boston Celtics: You think Ray Allen is a huge traitor and that Kevin Garnett and Jason Terry have played their entire careers with the Celtics.

Brooklyn Nets: You don't feel disloyal for suddenly dumping the Knicks to be a Nets fan because you feel you gave the Knicks about 15 to 20 years more than they deserved.

Charlotte Bobcats: You can't imagine anyone worse than Michael Jordan.

Chicago Bulls: You can't imagine anyone better than Michael Jordan.

Cleveland Cavaliers: You still really hate LeBron James … although, ohmigod, how awesome would it be if he signs back with the Cavs in 2014 and teams up with Kyrie Irving that would be so awesome right so awesome. But, yeah, he sucks.

Detroit Pistons: You wish you had been at the "Malice in the Palace" game in 2004 … and that Ron Artest would have killed you … so you wouldn't be alive to witness Detroit Pistons basketball today.

Indiana Pacers: You like basketball, but Butler and Indiana Hoosiers tickets are too expensive.

#1 – Extremely expensive food

What's the best way to impress a date? Take her to an expensive restaurant, of course!

But even the most expensive 5-star restaurant in town doesn't charge $6 for soda or $5 for water. This concession stand does, though — so it must be the best restaurant in town! Your date will no doubt be impressed by your big-spending ways and your ways in the art of love.

#2 – Fine clothing

The finest establishments require patrons to wear expensive clothing. See that guy over there in that jersey? And that guy there? And her over there? And me? These are authentic jerseys. They cost $250. That's right, baby — 250. Just for a shirt. We're practically at a Milan fashion show here.

#3 – Dancing

Fancy clothing. Expensive dinner. Now it's time to dance … because they're playing Gangnam Style during the timeout! WOOOOOOOOO! Heyyyyyyyyy … sex-y la-dy!

#1 – The Scourge of Butt Fingering

#2 – Penis Biting

Ohio State's Urban Meyer told a story about Woody Hayes over the weekend at an Ohio coaching convention. According to Meyer, in 1986 a retired Hayes attempted to teach Ohio State coaches about toughness by having a turtle bite his penis. Yes. Really. Click HERE for the details.

SportsPickle was able to land an exclusive interview with the turtle.

Let's just get the main question out of the way at the top: Did you bite former Ohio State head football coach Woody Hayes in the penis?

I did.

How did you wind up biting a famous coach in the penis before a room full of Ohio State coaches?

My family lived next door to Woody's house. My owner, Kevin, was playing with me out on the porch one day and Woody asked if he could borrow me for something he was doing for work. A couple hours later, I've got my jaws chomped down on his dick.

Why? So he asked you to do that to drive home his point?

Where to start. I was born in Michigan. I'm a Michigan turtle. But around 1984, Kevin's dad got transferred from Ann Arbor to a job down in Columbus. Fine. I'm a turtle. As long as I still get to see the Michigan games on TV from my tank I'm cool living wherever. I had no idea goddam Woody Hayes of all people lived next door to our new house. Next thing I know, I'm getting scooped up and driven somewhere in a dark box. Then the box opens and Woody Hayes and Woody Hayes' penis are staring right at me. I had no idea what he was planning to do, but it didn't really seem like there were a lot of positive outcomes in this situation for me, you know? I basically had two options: attack or run. And turtles aren't the best at running. So I bit his penis with everything I had and just hung on.

What kind of turtle are you?

I'm not a monster, if that's what you mean. I did what any turtle would do in that situation. Especially a Michigan turtle.

No, I just mean: What kind of turtle are you? Like a snapper or a –

Oh oh. Box. I'm a box turtle.