Opinion

American League

Angels: +/- 91.5

Over if … Albert Pujols, Jered Weaver, Dan Haren and C.J. Wilson all have All Star-caliber seasons.

Under if … Albert Pujols gets homesick and returns to St. Louis a week into the season.

Athletics: +/- 72

Over if … Yoenis Cespedes instantly becomes a major league star and Manny Ramirez mashes the ball when he comes off of suspension in late May.

Under if … Manny Ramirez misses the final 12 weeks of the season due to maternity leave.

Blue Jays: +/- 83

Over if … The starting rotation performs with consistency and younger players such as J.P. Arencibia and Brett Lawrie step up to provide support to Jose Bautita in the lineup.

Under if … Jose Bautista wakes up from the greatest dream ever to discover he’s terrible at baseball again.

Indians: +/- 78.5

Over if … Cleveland’s rotation has a solid season while its core position players stay healthy.

Under if … Ubaldo Jimenez settles team grudges by beaning all of this teammates.

Philadelphia Eagles — each Eagles jersey contains a swatch of fabric from the uniforms of the 2004 men’s basketball Olympic “Dream Team” featuring Stephon Marbury and Allen Iverson.

New York Jets — the Jets’ batch of uniforms contains no No. 6 Mark Sanchez jersey.

New Orleans Saints — the Saints’ uniform pants include an external pocket that can be used to fit cash earned during games for knockouts.

Seattle Seahawks — Seahawks jerseys do not have player names on the back to spare Seahawks players from being identified while dressing that ridiculously in public.

Detroit Lions — Lions uniforms are designed to start out strong and then fall apart as the season goes on.

Pittsburgh Steelers — all Steelers jerseys contain a magnetic strip containing their credit card and bank information that allows Roger Goodell to fine them on the field with a single swipe.

Dallas Cowboys — the Cowboys uniforms feature the thinnest, most lightweight fabric ever made, as the team doesn’t need a uniform that provides warmth in January.

1. Astroturf

2. the Internet

3. the cassette tape

4. acrylic paint

5. Aerosmith

6. the compact disk

7. Kevlar

8. Kenya

9. video games

10. the silicone breast implant

SP

Roy Halladay – Roy Halladay will be 35 this season. Barring Clemensian levels of steroids, pitchers start going in the toilet in their mid-30s. “But, no! Not Roy Halladay! He’ll live forever! His 5.40 ERA this spring was just because he wanted to practice throwing huge meatballs to opposing hitters!”

Justin Verlander – Justin Verlander had a career season last year. Read that again: “Justin Verlander had a career season last year.” See the problem? Yes, you figured it out: it’s now this year. Last season was last year. So enjoy six months of being pissed that he’s not as good as he was a year ago.

Clayton Kershaw – Hey, Clayton Kershaw is a good, young starter. That’s true. One problem: he has only once won more than 13 games in a season. Actually, two problems: he has only once won more than 13 games in a season and wins are, like, a huge pitching statistic in every fantasy baseball league in the history of the world. So it’s insane to make Kershaw your first pitching pick. That is, unless you like overpaying for Dodgers as much as Magic Johnson does. Then, by all means, go nuts. At least the buy-in for your fantasy league isn’t $2 billion.