Opinion 7 Reasons Underdogs Suck and You Should Never Root for Them
1. Everyone roots for underdogs.
Look at the wisdom of everyone. See the highest-rated shows on broadcast TV? See the albums that are at the top of the charts? See the crap everyone shovels into their mouths? Everyone is a moron. Your life's goal should be to never go along with what everyone does.
2. Underdogs are just pre-overdogs.
How does one become a hated favorite? By winning. If an underdog wins, they're no longer an underdog. The moment that clock hits double-zeroes and they're ahead on the scoreboard, you're beloved "underdog" is an overdog and you're nothing but a front-running bandwagon fan.
3. Rooting for underdogs glorifies failure.
Want to know the only way to become an underdog? Weeks, months, years or even decades of sustained sucking. Yep, the only reason to become an underdog is by having a long track record of failure. And now you're going to cheer that team on? You're going to put all of your support behind an outfit that was defined by stinking? You're going to reward failure over sustained excellence? Wow. No wonder the world's going down the crapper. You and your underdog-loving brethren are to blame.
Opinion Yankees Hilarity Meter: April 5, 2013
VERY HIGH
The Yankees today lost their first of what no doubt will be many road losses this season, getting hammered by the Detroit Tigers, 8-3, to fall to 1-3 on the season. Starting pitcher Ivan Nova — just the latest in a long line of young Yankee "phenom" pitchers who turned into totally worthless turds — got shelled, allowing 4 runs in 4.2 innings, and the abysmal Yankee bullpen took it from there. Kevin Youkilis, whose best season was five years ago for the Yankees' hated rival, led the "offense." Ha! In the fifth spot — a spot where, you know, good hitters are supposed to be found — the Yankees hit Brennan Boesch, who the Tigers, their opponent, released in spring training. Yeah. That's humiliating. But wait! There's more! Derek Jeter isn't expected back until May now. But the Yankees will toooootally be fine when he gets back. Last place teams are always saved by adding 39 year-old shortstops to the lineup, right?
Oh, and the Yankees' payroll is more than $200 million.
Opinion Yankees Hilarity Meter: April 4, 2013
VERY HIGH
The Yankees managed to not get swept in their season-opening series, beating the Red Sox 4-2 at home. They were led offensively by Brett Gardner, Eduardo Nunez and Lyle Overbay, which is hilarious because it highlights how truly awful the 2013 Yankees are. For a good franchise, those guys are starting in Triple-A, not in the majors on a team trying to pretend it is a contender. But big names did contribute tonight for the Yankees. The pitching staff was led by Andy Pettitte and Mariano Rivera: middle-aged men who were in their primes during the Clinton administration. Yeah, the Yankees have a REALLY bright future!
Oh, and the Yankees' payroll is more than $200 million.
Opinion Yankees Hilarity Meter: April 3, 2013
VERY HIGH
The Yankees fell to 0-2, getting crushed by the Red Sox at home again. Travis Hafner and Lyle Overbay were in the starting lineup, starting pitcher Hiroki Kuroda got hit hard and left with an injury and someone called Cody Eppley got lit up for four runs in 1.1 innings. Yankee Stadium was empty halfway through the game again and the team's one bright spot was Vernon Wells. Vernon Wells! Hilarious.
Oh, and the Yankees' payroll is more than $200 million.
Opinion What Your Favorite Major League Baseball Team Says About You
Arizona Diamondbacks: You would attend more games if all the seats at Chase Field were in a swimming pool.
Atlanta Braves: You don't understand how anyone can really believe that great pitching is the key to winning a championship.
Baltimore Orioles: You think one of the most beautiful things ever created by man is a warehouse.
Boston Red Sox: You are kind of hoping for back-to-back losing seasons so you can talk to your dad and grandfather about the misery of being a Boston Red Sox fan.
Chicago Cubs: You are disgusted with all of the losing and won't put up with it anymore. And then you have your fifth beer and feel pretty good about everything again.
Chicago White Sox: You can't understand why anyone would want to go to a shitty old stadium like Wrigley Field when they could go to a shitty newer stadium like U.S. Cellular Field.
Poll Could Brittney Griner play in the NBA?
- Sure, assuming most players who don't get past the Sweet 16 in the women's NCAA Tournament are good enough for the NBA.
- Not at all. So look for a team like the Magic, Bobcats or Bucks to take her in the 1st Round.
- No. But when she fails to make it, let's all regard her as an athletic failure because that's totally fair.
- Why are we listening to things Mark Cuban says? I thought we agreed to not do that anymore.
- She should be on an NBA roster if for no other reason than that she'd be the only person in the dunk contest who can actually dunk.
- Better question: Could Griner and LeBron beat the February Blackhawks in an icesketball game officiated by Michael Jordan?
Opinion 7 Greatest Sports Pranks of All-Time
1. Michael Jordan's NBA Executive Prank
Jordan the basketball player was not only regarded as his sport's greatest players, but also as one of its great minds. So it was assumed he would make a great team executive. Ha! That's where Michael Jordan the prankster stepped in.
First with the Wizards he drafted Kwame Brown No. 1 overall and made hilariously bad trades. Then he expanded his prank to Charlotte where he picked Adam Morrison and built a team that set an NBA record for the lowest winning percentage in history. Add all that to his Hitler mustache and ripped '90s jeans and Jordan the prankster is just as great as Jordan the basketball player!
2. Adidas' Camouflage and Neon Uniform Prank
So cruel. Yet so hilarious.
Opinion 2013 Slogans for All 30 MLB Teams
Atlanta Braves: Lots of Uptons.
Baltimore Orioles: Hoping for back-to-back fluke seasons.
Boston Red Sox: At least we're not the Yankees.
Chicago Cubs: Old Style beer, new style losing.
Chicago White Sox: We have Florida Gulf Coast alum Chris Sale!
Cincinnati Reds: So good we only need to use our best pitcher 60 innings a season.
Colorado Rockies: Todd Helton knew Peyton Manning in college, so that's cool, right?
Cleveland Indians: Something to watch if "Major League" isn't airing on basic cable.
Detroit Tigers: Making you feel like you have a pro athlete's body!
Houston Astros: Not gonna lie. We're gonna suck. Hard.
Kansas City Royals: Proudly featuring 2013 Team USA World Baseball Classic first baseman Eric Hosmer!
Los Angeles Angels: Let's hope money buys championships. Oh, shit. The Lakers.
