Opinion

#25 — Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown

Origin: Remember how your parents told you to be careful around power tools? They weren't kidding. When future MLB pitcher Brown was a young man he accidentally put his hand in his family farm's feed chopper. The chopper's blades cut off most of his index finger, and a later fall on the same hand permanently mangled the middle finger on his pitching hand.

His maimed fingers, though, turned out to be a blessing when they enabled him to put massive amounts of spin on his pitches. Hitters couldn't get balls in the air against Brown, and he won 239 games on his way to the Hall of Fame. So, the lesson here is clear: if your Major League dreams are looking improbable, try sticking your hand in a woodchipper. Can't hurt! (Outside of the excruciating pain.) This is the look you'll want to go for:

#24 — "The Flying Housewife" Fanny Blankers-Koen

Origin: The track events at the 1948 Summer Olympic Games in London got a bit more interesting when Dutch runner Fanny Blankers-Koen tied on her spikes. She was 30 years old, a mother of two children, and ready to kick some serious tail. Blankers-Koen ended up winning four gold medals at the games, which propelled her to international fame as the wife and mother who outran everyone else.

And while the picture of Fanny below may not suggest it, she was a confirmed MILTF. (A mom I'd like to do track and field with. Duh.)

HIGH

The Yankees crushed the Indians today, dropping the Yankees Hilarity Meter from a VERY HIGH reading to HIGH. On the bright side, 35 year-old Travis Hafner had another good game, hitting a home run and driving in four runs, so expect the idiot Brian Cashman to sign him to a 4-year, $100 million deal any day now. Even with their season-high 2-game win streak, the Yankees are still only 3-4.

Oh, and the Yankees' payroll is more than $200 million.

VERY HIGH

The Yankees managed to not get swept by the Tigers today and upped their record to 2-4 on the season. Their only other win of the season also prevented a sweep. It seems the greatest moments of the 2013 New York Yankees will be when they managed to not get swept. Exciting! But the positive Yankees news didn't stop there! Brett Gardner, Robinson Cano and Ichiro Suzuki all achieved a single hit today, and now they are all batting .111 or higher (but not higher than .160).

Oh, and the Yankees' payroll is more than $200 million.

VERY HIGH

The Yankees got destroyed by the Tigers, 8-4, today to fall to 1-4 on the season. Starting pitcher/massive bust Phil Hughes got lit up for 4 runs and 8 hits in just 4 innings, and fellow massive bust Joba Chamberlain bookended the game by getting torched in the final frame. The Yankees got outhit, 17-6, and Robinson Cano — the only legitimate major league starter in their starting lineup — is now hitting .111 on the season. The loss keeps the Yankees mired in last place. And one more fun fact: their minus-16 run differential on the season is dead-last in Major League Baseball. Yes, worse than even the Astros and Marlins. Ha!

Oh, and the Yankees' payroll is more than $200 million.

1. Everyone roots for underdogs.

Look at the wisdom of everyone. See the highest-rated shows on broadcast TV? See the albums that are at the top of the charts? See the crap everyone shovels into their mouths? Everyone is a moron. Your life's goal should be to never go along with what everyone does.

2. Underdogs are just pre-overdogs.

How does one become a hated favorite? By winning. If an underdog wins, they're no longer an underdog. The moment that clock hits double-zeroes and they're ahead on the scoreboard, you're beloved "underdog" is an overdog and you're nothing but a front-running bandwagon fan.

3. Rooting for underdogs glorifies failure.

Want to know the only way to become an underdog? Weeks, months, years or even decades of sustained sucking. Yep, the only reason to become an underdog is by having a long track record of failure. And now you're going to cheer that team on? You're going to put all of your support behind an outfit that was defined by stinking? You're going to reward failure over sustained excellence? Wow. No wonder the world's going down the crapper. You and your underdog-loving brethren are to blame.

VERY HIGH

The Yankees today lost their first of what no doubt will be many road losses this season, getting hammered by the Detroit Tigers, 8-3, to fall to 1-3 on the season. Starting pitcher Ivan Nova — just the latest in a long line of young Yankee "phenom" pitchers who turned into totally worthless turds — got shelled, allowing 4 runs in 4.2 innings, and the abysmal Yankee bullpen took it from there. Kevin Youkilis, whose best season was five years ago for the Yankees' hated rival, led the "offense." Ha! In the fifth spot — a spot where, you know, good hitters are supposed to be found — the Yankees hit Brennan Boesch, who the Tigers, their opponent, released in spring training. Yeah. That's humiliating. But wait! There's more! Derek Jeter isn't expected back until May now. But the Yankees will toooootally be fine when he gets back. Last place teams are always saved by adding 39 year-old shortstops to the lineup, right?

Oh, and the Yankees' payroll is more than $200 million.

VERY HIGH

The Yankees managed to not get swept in their season-opening series, beating the Red Sox 4-2 at home. They were led offensively by Brett Gardner, Eduardo Nunez and Lyle Overbay, which is hilarious because it highlights how truly awful the 2013 Yankees are. For a good franchise, those guys are starting in Triple-A, not in the majors on a team trying to pretend it is a contender. But big names did contribute tonight for the Yankees. The pitching staff was led by Andy Pettitte and Mariano Rivera: middle-aged men who were in their primes during the Clinton administration. Yeah, the Yankees have a REALLY bright future!

Oh, and the Yankees' payroll is more than $200 million.

VERY HIGH

The Yankees fell to 0-2, getting crushed by the Red Sox at home again. Travis Hafner and Lyle Overbay were in the starting lineup, starting pitcher Hiroki Kuroda got hit hard and left with an injury and someone called Cody Eppley got lit up for four runs in 1.1 innings. Yankee Stadium was empty halfway through the game again and the team's one bright spot was Vernon Wells. Vernon Wells! Hilarious.

Oh, and the Yankees' payroll is more than $200 million.

Arizona Diamondbacks: You would attend more games if all the seats at Chase Field were in a swimming pool.

Atlanta Braves: You don't understand how anyone can really believe that great pitching is the key to winning a championship.

Baltimore Orioles: You think one of the most beautiful things ever created by man is a warehouse.

Boston Red Sox: You are kind of hoping for back-to-back losing seasons so you can talk to your dad and grandfather about the misery of being a Boston Red Sox fan.

Chicago Cubs: You are disgusted with all of the losing and won't put up with it anymore. And then you have your fifth beer and feel pretty good about everything again.

Chicago White Sox: You can't understand why anyone would want to go to a shitty old stadium like Wrigley Field when they could go to a shitty newer stadium like U.S. Cellular Field.