Opinion

#1 — Buster Douglas for SafeAuto

Mike Tyson's loss to Buster Douglas was humiliating. But it got exponentially worse when Douglas' commercial for SafeAuto came out.

Douglas' two claims to fame will forever be: 1) Upsetting Mike Tyson; 2) Being featured in the only TV commercial ever filmed on flip phone.

#2 — Pete Rose's SUPERCHARG'R Energy Bar

Don't have the necessary energy to call in a bet on the baseball team you're managing? You know what you need? Carob! In the late 70s and early 80s Charlie Hustle endorsed the SUPERCHARG'R Energy Bar, a snack that was so cram-packed with energy that it didn't even have time for all of its vowels.

Of course, since we're talking about Rose, there was a bit of sleazy misdirection at play. The bar's wrapper touted the carob-coated treat as "nature's answer to candy," but it also listed the snack's ingredients. First on the list? That most natural of ingredients: high fructose corn syrup. Candy historians have speculated that the bar finally died off after a disastrous "Send in 10 Wrappers, Get a Free Pete Rose Haircut" promotion.

As part of Rose's continuing commitment to serving children healthy snacks, he also endorsed Kool-Aid:

5. Orb

Champion or not, the mud-splattered torso look appears sloppy, while Orb's tail looks short and tangled. A tacky Yum! logo on his shirt makes it even worse. Total fail.

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4. Revolutionary

The leather strapping about Revolutionary's face is white, brown and black. What a disaster. It's like wearing a black belt with white shoes. A total no-no.

2000

MVP

Winner name: Shaquille O'Neal

Dead-last name: Darrell Armstrong

Most Improved Player

Winner name: Jalen Rose

Dead-last name: Bob Sura

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2001

MVP

Winner name: Allen Iverson

Dead-last name: Anthony Mason

Rookie of the Year

Winner name: Mike Miller

Dead-last name: Darius Miles

Most Improved Player

Winner name: Tracy McGrady

Dead-last name: Alvin Williams

Mint Julep "Jockey Style"

Make a traditional Mint Julep. Except instead of a regular glass, use a thimble.

Elite Mint Julep

A favorite of the horse owners! Make a traditional Mint Julep using only the most expensive, name brand ingredients — including melted glacier water and flecks of real gold — and then drink it out of a poor person's skull.

Degenerate's Julep

Lose the last bit of your savings betting on a long-shot on a random race on a Tuesday night. Then pick a half empty Budweiser can out of the trash and drink it.

Calipari Julep

Pay for all of the best Mint Julep ingredients. Age them for one year — NO LONGER! Drink and then do it all over again.

Pitino Julep

Make the strongest Mint Julep you can. Chug it in 15 seconds or less. If you get really drunk and start misbehaving, just blame it on 9/11.

Brew of Barbaro

Collect the tears of a fat woman with lots of cats. Mix with horse blood and horse semen and drink it through a straw made from a hollowed-out equine leg bone.

Lebron James and James Woods!

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Joe Flacco and Ann Curry!

You would be honored to have a drunken Patrick Kane throw up on you.

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You struggle to understand a world in which Katy Perry is considered to be more famous and talented than Corey Perry.