Opinion

#1 — The Potty Putter

Forget reading the paper or gathering your thoughts; the time you spend on the toilet gives golfers a valuable opportunity to work on their putting. The Potty Putter comes with its own putting surface, cup, and toilet-sized putter to let lavatory linksmen perfect their putts while atop the throne. (Provided they really, really struggle with two-foot gimme putts.)

The only problem here is that you probably won't be able to sit on a toilet with your pants around your ankles and use a miniature putter when you're on an actual green, but nobody said making the Ryder Cup team was going to be easy. Lugging a toilet for 18 holes seems like a small price to pay to curb all those double bogeys.

#2 — Jumpsoles

Jumpsoles bill themselves as "the world's most popular tool for increasing your vertical jump," and they even guarantee an increase of 5-10 inches in your vertical leaping abilities. Of course, that will still leave you 70 to 80 inches short of what you'll need to jump over the people who will want to kick your ass when they see you wearing them.

You see, Jumpsoles shift your body weight onto your calves while conveniently also making you look like an idiot with giant, mutant shoes.

Don't take our word for it, though. Check out this commercial. Who needs Kobe Bryant jumping over an Aston Martin when you can have some random kid bounding over a 1999 Honda Accord?

Everyone knows about first base, second base, third base and home. But there are many other ways to reach base in baseball, all of which have sex equivalents.

Working the count — Here you bypass less desirable options earlier in the night in hopes one that's perfect will be available later.

Sacrifice bunt — With a sacrifice bunt you move your partner along, sacrificing your own gratification, while hoping that he or she will recognize you're a good teammate and will return the favor sometime later.

Fielder's choice — Your friend just got on base, but now he's out because the girl he's with decides she wants you on base instead. And no one is really happy. He's out, her reputation is ruined and you're getting sloppy seconds.

Double steal — Looking to score quickly, you suddenly try to advance to second and third base at once with no warning.

Hit by pitch — You don't even know if you want to get to first base with this person. But your safety is at risk if you say no. Many innings that include hit-by-pitches also have unearned runs (AKA baseball date rape).

Bases on balls — It's the same as getting to first base, but much less gratifying. It's getting a curiously wet kiss from a sort of MILFy aunt at your family reunion. This can also refer to a VERY curious wet kiss from a sort of MILFy aunt at your family reunion when said kiss is placed on your balls.

Defensive indifference — Here you make it to second or third because your partner is too drunk to care or just feels sorry for you and wants to end this as quickly as possible. Defensive indifference is best exhibited by prostitutes.

Part 1 HERE.

ESPN's College GameDay is in Madison, Wisconsin this week for Wisconsin vs. Ohio State.

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