Opinion "Jay Cutler Visits The Doctor": A Short Play
- Dr. Steve
Hi, Jay. How are you today?
- Cutler
Hi, Dr. Steve. I'm okay.
- Dr. Steve
Really? Lovie told me you hurt your knee.
- Cutler
Yeah, I guess so.
- Dr. Steve
You guess so? Lovie said you couldn't go out and play yesterday because of it.
- Cutler
Yeah.
- Dr. Steve
Well, which knee is it? I'll take a look and we'll see what we can do.
- Cutler
It's my left one. Or maybe my right one. I can't really remember.
- Dr. Steve
You can't remember? Well, it can't hurt that bad.
- Cutler
I don't know. I'm pretty tough.
- Dr. Steve
Jay?
- Cutler
Yes, Dr. Steve?
- Dr. Steve
Did you just make up this whole story so you could come here today and get a lollipop?
- Cutler
No.
- Dr. Steve
Jay?
- Cutler
Can I have a lollipop?
- Dr. Steve
Jay, we've talked about how lollipops are bad for you.
- Cutler
But I like lollipops.
- Dr. Steve
But your diabetes, Jay. You can't have them.
- Cutler
I know.
- Dr. Steve
And Jay?
- Cutler
Yeah, Dr. Steve?
- Dr. Steve
You're almost 28 years-old now. I like you. But it's probably time you stop coming to see me. I am a pediatrician. A kid's doctor. The mural on the wall behind you is of a teddy bear holding balloons.
Poll What are your thoughts on Jay Cutler's injury?
- Jay Cutler is injured? Pretty sure he's not hurt all. Might want to check your information.
- Hey, he's got another game in less than 8 months. He needed to be extra cautious.
- The diabeetus is a disease, not an injury.
- Whoa whoa whoa. Let's wait for the MRI results to judge exactly how pathetic he is.
- I think he deserves some credit for playing all season through being a giant pussy.
Opinion 4 Tribute Songs That Will Make You Hate All 4 Remaining NFL Teams
Chicago Bears: "Hest Is The Best"
Sample lyric: Hest is the best, meets the test, you know the man is blessed.
Poetic license is fine, but there are limits. You can't change the name of the person your song is dedicated to just to make it fit your chorus. And Devin Hester's nickname is not "Hest." Notice that in 1985 there was no "Payt Is So Great" song.
What this song says about the team: This isn't a tribute song for a quarterback or a defense or a star receiver. No, it's a song about a kick returner. When your most tribute-worthy player is a kick returner, that's how you become a home underdog in a conference championship game.
Performance notes: If you are a performer lauding someone's speed and athletic ability, you should try not to be so obese that you have to slump against a stage when you sing.
January 21, 2011 Column
Tweet of the Week
He'll Also Happily Smell Your Toilet Water, Girl
January 20, 2011 Column
Overheard ...
The Game: Issue #1
Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious at a game? Send your submissions to OverheardSP at gmail. Or submit for future editions about the gym, tailgates and sports bars.
One of my least favorite parts of a football game is listening to "the coach from the bleachers." After the Florida-LSU game of this past season, I overheard quite possibly the most offensive quote I've ever heard from this fan. If you don't remember correctly, LSU ran a fake field goal to get a crucial first down late in the 4th quarter.
When we were walking out of the stadium, I overheard two of your everyday fraternity brothers talking about how Florida should have been prepared for the trick play. Apparently, one of them had played a little too much NCAA '11 and quickly pointed out that (and yes this is word for word): "it's Les f——- Miles! Urban has to know to call FG safe zone!" Thank you, coach-from-the-stands, for making me feel better about my knowledge and understanding of the game of football.
— Mark
I was at a hockey game and had to hit the bathroom between periods. The lines were really long and a guy a few lines over couldn't wait. So he finishes off the beer he's holding, walks over towards the sinks, whips it out and starts pissing in his cup. It filled all the way up, so he lets the last few streams out onto the floor. So gross.
A few seconds later, a security guy comes over and taps him on the shoulder. He turns around, still holding his cup of piss and tosses it at the security guy and runs. He didn't get far because a guy waiting in line near the exit dropped him with a punch to the back of the head. If anyone deserves the death penalty, it's this piss-tossing guy.
— Keith
Opinion Favre Letter to Packers: "This is your last chance to start me at quarterback"
