Opinion

Joe Flacco's "World's Best" Pizza

Recipe

1. Get an average pizza delivered.

2. Serve.

3. Tell everyone it's the best pizza.

4. Hope they believe it.

5. Ask everyone to pay more than the pizza is worth.

Ray Rice's Delicious Production Pizza

Recipe

1. Take Joe Flacco's plain pizza out of the trash.

2. Add delicious toppings to it.

3. Re-serve.

4. Listen to people talk about how Joe Flacco is an ELITE chef.

1. Colin Kaepernick is going to crap all over himself.

Yes, Colin Kaepernick is exciting and talented. Yes, he has a bright future. But quarterbacks don't just show up and suddenly win a Super Bowl. It just doesn't happen. He's going to take the field in the first quarter of Super Bowl XLVII, line up to take the snap and look across the line and see Ray Lewis frothing deer antler spray and the hideous piranha face of Terrell Suggs and realize they intend to kill him. And then he'll realize that he's playing on worldwide television in front of more than 100 million people. And then he'll realize that just two years ago he was playing for freaking Nevada on Fox Sports Southwest against teams like Idaho and Utah State and that none of their defensive players were insane or heard voices from God or had been charged with double murder. And then he will realize there is crap in his pants. And then later he will realize he's thrown another pick-six and is losing 31-3 and it's not halftime yet.

2. Jim Harbaugh is massively overrated.

Jim Harbaugh is seen as the new football coaching hotness, but what has he really accomplished as a coach? Are you impressed by the FCS Pioneer League titles with the University of San Diego Toreros? Is it that Orange Bowl win over mighty Virginia Tech? Harbaugh couldn't even beat his idiot older brother John last year in the first Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh matchup, losing 16-6. People think Jim Harbaugh's yelling and screaming shows he is intense and dedicated to winning. No. Sometimes animals just yell and scream because they're confused and scared and dumb. Jim Harbaugh is basically a monkey stuck in a box.

3. The 49ers haven't beaten anyone.

The last time the 49ers played against an actual NFL defense back on December 23rd, they lost 42-13 to the Seahawks. That's what happens to their pistoly read option gimmick-fest when they face professional-quality defensive players. Since then they've lit up the Packers — whose defense is composed of extras from Aaron Rodgers commercials — and the Falcons, who spend their free time on a corner in a bad part of town, blowing leads for money. The 49ers will go into shock and pass out when they discover the Ravens intend to, you know, try to tackle them.

1. Joe Flacco sucks.

Stop trying to convince yourself that he's good. He's not. Deep-down Ravens fans know it, too. They've seen him constantly overthrow receivers and fumble late in games for five years. Five years. The same people who are telling you he's ELITE now wanted him thrown out of town six weeks ago. And for good reason, too: because Joe Flacco sucks. Three good games in a row — aided by a complete Denver collapse in the secondary — doesn't change that. All it means is that his next game, the Super Bowl, is going to be a dramatic regression to the mean. (That's fancy talk for 147 yards passing and four turnovers.) Not a single person in America (outside of Joe Flacco) will be surprised when — WHEN — this happens.

2. John Harbaugh sucks.

This guy has never garnered a ton of accolades for his strategy or game management. Or any accolades, actually. That's why every Baltimore season since his arrival has ended with him walking off the field with a dumbass confused look on his face. He does a fine job when it comes to motivating today's modern moron athlete with stupid cliches and claims of disrespect and no one believing in them, but anyone can do that. Jim Harbaugh was the better athlete. Jim Harbaugh is the better coach. There's no debating this. The Ravens enter the Super Bowl with the crap Harbaugh brother. Too bad.

3. Ray Lewis sucks.

And he has for a while. "But he has so many tackles in the playoffs!" The tackle stat for linebackers is a joke. Remember when Lewis used to stuff ball carriers at the line of scrimmage? You do? Wow. You have a very long memory. Because based on watching games during the Obama administration, Lewis' "tackles" now come from getting pushed backwards onto a running back six yards down the field. What a warrior! But now his slow ass is going to try to chase down Colin Kaepernick? Excuse me while I coat myself in deer antler spray in hopes it will give me enough strength to stifle my laughter.

This guy is a veteran who often has been talked about as one of the best in the sport, but he has yet to get "a ring." Winning one will forever clinch his greatness and make him a lock for the Hall of Fame. And if he loses? TOTAL FAILURE. His whole life was a WASTE! This may have been his LAST CHANCE!

Granted, football is a team sport so unlike in tennis or golf, a player can be an all-time great even without a championship, but just go with it, okay? There are two weeks of pregame coverage to fill.

2. The Possible Arrest Distraction

If you had to pick one guy on the roster you fear will cause a big distraction for your team the night before the Super Bowl by getting nabbed with a bunch of hookers or doing some cocaine-fueled murder, he's the guy. The lure of a week of Super Bowl parties draws him in like a drunk moth to the flame. He's the one player the coaches will actually check on at curfew time.

3. The Heart-Wrenching Story

His mom died. Or his dad. Or his mom and dad. Or his mom and dad and wife and kids and neighbors and pets. And it all happened last week or last month or 20 years ago. It doesn't matter. It happened and his life story will now be fodder for a soft-focus sit-down interview with piano music in the background. And what will make the pain of the death of his mom, dad, wife, kids, neighbors and pets go away? Why, a Super Bowl title, of course. That's the only way to overcome grief.