Opinion Transcript: President Obama and Other World Leaders Make Their NCAA Tournament Picks
Scene: The White House. All of the top world leaders are present.
- President Obama
Thank you all for coming. I know most of you don't enjoy the NCAA Tournament as much as I do, but I participated in your World Cup fantasy league so it's only fair that you do this.
- Pres. Medvedev
Oh, I follow American college basketball. I enjoy seeing how crappy your brother-in-law's Oregon State team is.
Everyone laughs.
- President Obama
Shut up, Dmitry.
- Pres. Medvedev
They lost to Utah Valley!
- President Obama
I know. Shut up.
- Pres. Medvedev
And Seattle. And Texas Southern. And Montana!
Everyone laughs again.
- President Obama
I know. I know. Enough. Let's get started. I have Kansas, Duke, Ohio State and Pitt all going to the Final Four with Kansas beating Ohio State in the title game. Mahmoud, who do you have?
- Ahmadinejad
I didn't make any picks.
- President Obama
Why?
- Ahmadinejad
Because if you look at the bracket, it clearly spells out "ZION."
- President Obama
That's insane.
- Ahmadinejad
Maybe. Maybe. But saying it felt right.
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Opinion The 7 People in Every NCAA Tournament Pool
Why He's Doing It: He's in this and 15 other pools as a way to fill the void left by his high school basketball career. (They could've won Districts!)
How He Picks Teams: Based on a 55-point system he developed while skipping a week of work, which combines the analysis of more then 150 experts.
Where He'll Finish in the Standings: Just out of the money. But it's okay — he "totally won" every other pool he was in.
Why He's Doing It: Not really a basketball fan, but his alma mater — Something Something Directional State at Someplace (there may also have been a "Tech" in there) — is in the Tournament for the first time in 50 years!
How He Picks Teams: He's picking the alma mater, the Fightin' Embarrassments, to win it all even though they're so bad they were slotted for the play-in game. The rest of the field will be picked by his cat.
How He'll Finish in the Standings: In second-to-last place … but he would have won it all if he hadn't picked his alma mater.
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Overheard ...
The Gym: Issue #9
Ever hear something horrible and/or hilarious at the gym? Send your submissions to OverheardSP at gmail. Or submit for future editions about games.
I used to work front desk at a health club in college. One night when folding the towels and manning the desk I heard someone yelling for help from the men's locker room. Instinctively I dropped my towels and ran in the direction of the distress call. I round the corner and see a face all oiled up, peaked out from behind a door. As soon as the face sees me coming it slips back behind the door.
I open the door and look around and I see a figure behind the curtain to the tanning bed. I pulled the curtain back to find a young man completely naked dripping eyeballs to toenails in the free lotion the health club stocked for members. The lotion was literally dripping from this guy. He was yelling for help because his hands were so over-saturated with lotion that he couldn't turn the key on the wall to get the tanning bed lamps to start!
- Adam
So glad you guys have this. Seriously, the amount of shit I hear in the Pentagon gym is ridiculous. Like today's little doozy: "Yeah, man, I gotta do this to soften my nipples or they'll chafe during the run." Or, instead of massaging your titties in front of folks, you could use runners glide.
- Gus
