Opinion

#1 – The Scourge of Butt Fingering

#2 – Penis Biting

Ohio State's Urban Meyer told a story about Woody Hayes over the weekend at an Ohio coaching convention. According to Meyer, in 1986 a retired Hayes attempted to teach Ohio State coaches about toughness by having a turtle bite his penis. Yes. Really. Click HERE for the details.

SportsPickle was able to land an exclusive interview with the turtle.

Let's just get the main question out of the way at the top: Did you bite former Ohio State head football coach Woody Hayes in the penis?

I did.

How did you wind up biting a famous coach in the penis before a room full of Ohio State coaches?

My family lived next door to Woody's house. My owner, Kevin, was playing with me out on the porch one day and Woody asked if he could borrow me for something he was doing for work. A couple hours later, I've got my jaws chomped down on his dick.

Why? So he asked you to do that to drive home his point?

Where to start. I was born in Michigan. I'm a Michigan turtle. But around 1984, Kevin's dad got transferred from Ann Arbor to a job down in Columbus. Fine. I'm a turtle. As long as I still get to see the Michigan games on TV from my tank I'm cool living wherever. I had no idea goddam Woody Hayes of all people lived next door to our new house. Next thing I know, I'm getting scooped up and driven somewhere in a dark box. Then the box opens and Woody Hayes and Woody Hayes' penis are staring right at me. I had no idea what he was planning to do, but it didn't really seem like there were a lot of positive outcomes in this situation for me, you know? I basically had two options: attack or run. And turtles aren't the best at running. So I bit his penis with everything I had and just hung on.

What kind of turtle are you?

I'm not a monster, if that's what you mean. I did what any turtle would do in that situation. Especially a Michigan turtle.

No, I just mean: What kind of turtle are you? Like a snapper or a –

Oh oh. Box. I'm a box turtle.

1968

Turia Mau gets photographed soaking wet just seconds after falling into a lagoon. WHOOPS!

1. Jon Gruden

Pro: When any big job opens up, Gruden's name is mentioned. He would definitely bring enthusiasm to the position.

Con: The job might be too much for him. Gruden would no doubt stay up all night watching film of people sinning, trying to come up with game plans to help them overcome it. With more than 7 billion sinners in the world, the quantity of sin tape would be overwhelming. The papacy might burn him out fast.

2. Tim Tebow

Pro: Tebow is one of the world's best known Christians and could soon be forced to look for a new line of work.

Con: Tebow is not Catholic. He is an evangelical Christian. Big difference. However, Tebow might be willing to convert if he is promised to be No. 1 on the Catholic depth chart at the faith's most important position.

3. Todd Graham

Pro: The Arizona State head football coach is always looking for a new and better job and will no doubt at least have his agent acquire about the position. Pope is no doubt a "dream job."

Con: Todd Graham has a black, rotten soul. God probably doesn't want Todd Graham to be his top human pal.

4. Lionel Messi

Pro: The world's best soccer player is a devout Catholic. The Church has seen a dramatic decline in Europe in recent years. Making a football star the pope could get many football-mad Europeans interested in Catholicism again.

Con: Messi would no doubt have to miss many matches in order to do pope stuff. Being robbed of the sport's greatest player in his prime could turn many against the Church. Also, with Messi out of the way, Cristiano Ronaldo becomes the world's best player and no one wants that.

1. The original owner of the Detroit Tigers was killed by a tiger attack while on vacation in Bangladesh.

2. Dunking a basketball is against the law in Belgium and can earn a week in jail and a €750 fine.

3. Testing done in 1991 found that the Stanley Cup is covered in more fecal bacteria than the average public restroom toilet.

4. The distance of the Indianapolis 500 is actually 494.6 miles.

5. The first protective cups were made from the shells of lobster tails.

- Ole Miss had the most celebrated class, but rival Mississippi State also benefited from the Rebels' haul by netting several Ole Miss recruits who accidentally bought the wrong hat at Lidz at the mall.

- USC and Lane Kiffin were able to sign several top-notch players, specifically those who didn't follow college football last season at all.

- Recruiting experts are split on which quarterback is the No. 1 quarterback in the class, but they are confident it will be a quarterback who Mack Brown of Texas did not bother to recruit.

- Texas A&M brought in one of the highest-rated classes. They are expected to net several more commitments later today after recruits who were out late with Johnny Manziel last night wake up and send in their Letters Of Intent.

- Pitt was able to reel in its best class in years behind the new recruiting approach of having the same coach for two consecutive seasons.

- Despite losing Chip Kelly to the NFL, Oregon again inked a highly-touted class, including all of the best colorblind players for the tenth year in a row.

- Kansas head coach Charlie Weis was able to land a class of 14 players, all of whom apparently had no other Division I-A offers and must have just said: "Screw it. I'll go play for Charlie Weis at Kansas."

Disgusting Pervert Who Should Be Castrated: "Look at the ass on that one."

Recruiting Expert: "He is thick in the haunches and has great drive."

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Disgusting Pervert Who Should Be Castrated: "His eyes are amazing."

Recruiting Expert: "He has remarkable vision."

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Disgusting Pervert Who Should Be Castrated: "His body is amazing."

Recruiting Expert: "His muscle tone and size for his age is exceptional."

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Disgusting Pervert Who Should Be Castrated: "His body is only going to get better, too."

Recruiting Expert: "He has a frame that should easily put on more muscle."