Phone rings.
- Me
Hello?
- Caller
Hello. May I speak to the man or woman of the house?
- Me
This is he.
- Caller
Hi. This acting Penn State athletic director David Joyner and I’d like to talk to you about a great opportunity.
- Me
I don’t know. Can you call back some other time? I’m getting ready for dinner.
- Caller
I will only take a minute of your time. I promise.
- Me
Sure. Fine. Go ahead.
- Caller
I am calling to offer you the position of head football coach at Penn State.
- Me
Hmmm. No thanks.
- Caller
It’s a very prestigious program.
- Me
I’m sure it is. I’m just not interested right now. I already have a job. How did you get my number?
- Caller
We’re just going through the phone book and calling every number.
- Me
Shouldn’t you be contacting coaches? I’m not a coach.
- Caller
We tried that. It didn’t go very … well, now we’re expanding the opportunity to the general public. Can I tell you more about it? Our stadium seats nearly 110,000, we routinely make bowl games and we can pay your more than $1 million!
- Me
Hmm. Well, it’s definitely interesting. Can you call me back later this week sometime? I’d like some time to think about it.
- Caller
I’d really like to get you to say ‘yes’ today. It’s recruiting season and we’d need you to get out there right away. We only have one recruit right now.
- Me
See, it’s that fine print. That’s where you get people. Recruiting, upcoming lawsuits, NCAA sanctions. I don’t know what I’d be getting myself into. It’s like my last cell phone. They were really vague on data charges and then my first bill came and I owed $338 from texting.
- Caller
The position would include a cell phone plan.
- Me
No thanks. Not interested.
- Caller
Okay. I’m sorry to hear that. Is your wife or girlfriend available?
- Me
[away from the receiver] Hey, honey! Some guy is calling about being Penn State’s head football coach!
- Female voice
[background] Gross. No. Tell him I’m not interested.
- Me
She’s not interested.
- Caller
Okay. Thanks for your time.
Phone is hung up.
