Acme Oyster Eating World Championship
What: Competitors eat as many oysters on the half shell as possible in 8 minutes. The event record is 444.
Where: New Orleans
Winnings: $1,750 total cash purse
Why, God? Why?: Oysters: for when clams don't taste enough like a rubbery vagina for you.
World Famous Vidalia Onion-Eating Contest
What: Competitors down as many whole, raw onions as they can in 3 minutes.
Where: Vidalia, Georgia
Winnings: $100 for 1st Place
Why, God? Why?: This contest actually has age groups 6 to 11, 12 to 16 and 17 and older. Although the first two age groups are probably just part of a police sting operation to nab unfit parents who would put their children in an onion-eating competition.
World Poutine Eating Championships
What: Poutine, a dish of French fries and cheese curd covered in gravy, is devoured over a 10-minute period.
Winnings: $750 for 1st Place
Why, God? Why?: Poutine is a dish that needs description. I'm pretty sure a basic rule of health is: "Don't enter a competitive eating contest in which you eat massive amounts of something you can't even identify."
World Catfish Eating Championship
What: Competitors have 10 minutes to eat as much fried catfish in pounds as possible.
Where: Davenport, Iowa
Winnings: $1,000 for 1st Place
Why, God? Why?: The record is 7.5 pounds of catfish in 10 minutes by Pat "Deep Dish" Bertoletti. Had those been goldfish instead of catfish, he'd be admitted to any college fraternity in the country.
Nathan's International Hot Dog Eating Contest
What: Competitors eat as many hot dogs as they can in 10 minutes.
Winnings: $10,000 for 1st Place
Why, God? Why?: We all know what goes into hot dogs. And, sure, if you just eat one, maybe you only get trace amounts of cow snout and anus. But if you put down 60-plus? That's pounds of unidentifiable meat. You may as well just eat at Taco Bell.