#1 – The Official Equipment Guy
You don't know exactly what his salary is, but it's apparently more than yours. Or, if he does make what you make, he is spending 90-percent of his income on softball equipment. He's got several top-of-the line bats, a brand new glove, two batting gloves, cleats, baseball pants, moisture-wicking performance apparel under his uniform, wrist bands and an expensive bag to keep it all in. Estimated retail price: way, way, way too much for a softball league that has a grand prize of a $14 plastic trophy.
It's all well and good, though, as long as this guy isn't control of any sort of budget at work. If he is, expect your company to go under by the end of the year, just after his $400,000 remodel of the reception area is completed.
#2 – The Injury Machine
He has yet to make it through a single game without suffering a major injury. Sprained ankle, torn hamstring, broken finger. There was even that time he got attacked by a swarm of bees in center field. Cal Ripken played 2,632 consecutive games against the greatest competition in the world; this guy can't even make it through 7 innings against Davis Refrigeration.
And while his injuries hurt the performance of your softball team, it's even worse at work. Good luck impressing a prospective client when this guy hobbles into the meeting covered in open sores.
#3 – The No-Show
The company softball team isn't mandatory and everyone has — or tries to have — a life outside of the office. So sometimes it can be a challenge to wrangle up 10 players for a game. It's even more of a challenge when you suspect that one of your co-workers who has confirmed they'll be there won't show up.
- You
Really? Are you sure you can make it tonight? Because you left us in a bind last week. And the week before.
- No-Show
Oh, definitely. I'll be there. There was just a miscommunication with my wife about picking up the kids last week. I'll be there tonight. You can count on me.
- You
Alright. You are our tenth player. We're counting on you. Be there by 6 pm, okay?
- No-Show
I'll be there by 5:30.
By the time 6:30 rolls around, your team is one player short and getting drubbed. Oh, well. At least the team always has a good excuse for sucking.
#4 – The Ex-Baseball Star
He played in high school, maybe even college, and he's the most talented player on your team by far. There is pressure on him to perform. And he's feeling it. Maybe that's why he's swinging so hard. Really, really, really hard.
Ah, jeez. There's another towering pop up. It's an easy out. All you needed was a little single and a couple runs would have scored. But it was an impressive easy out. No one else on your team could hit a pop up even half that high. Who cares that he's hitting .200. He intimidates the opposition.
And remember that one game last month when he hit a legit, over-the-fence home run? That was easily one of the greatest moments in the history of the company softball team. No, screw that. It was one of the greatest moments in the history of the company.
#5 – The Drunk
In the parking lot before the game he's drinking. He's drinking during the game in the dugout. And all he talks about between swigs is where everyone wants to go out after the game. It's very likely he has a serious drinking problem. But then everyone has known that since he drunkenly dry-humped a fake tree during the company Holiday Party.
