Scene: The press room at the Phillies spring training facility.
- PR Director
Thanks to everyone for coming. Let’s get started. I’d like to introduce you to our 2010 starting rotation — the Four Aces! — Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, Cliff Lee and Cole Hamels!
Everyone applauds.
- PR Director
Also, Joe Blanton is here.
Everyone points and laughs.
- PR Director
Okay, let’s open it up for questions.
- Reporter 1
Joe, what’s it like to be terrible?
- Joe Blanton
Well, I wouldn’t say I’m terrible. I mean, I’ve-
Everyone laughs over top of what he is saying for 30 seconds.
- Joe Blanton
… and that’s why I think I can really help this team.
- Reporter 2
Cliff, I didn’t catch most of what Joe was saying while he was pretending not to be terrible. So can you tell us, in your own words, how bad Joe Blanton really is?
- Cliff Lee
Sure. Okay, so you know how the other four guys up here — me, the two Roy’s and Cole — can throw a baseball very fast and with movement and to specific locations around the plate?
- Reporter 2
Yes.
- Cliff Lee
Well, Joe can’t do any that.
- Reporter 2
Ha! What an idiot.
- Cliff Lee
I know. A big, fat, terrible idiot.
Everyone laughs.
- Joe Blanton
Hey. Come on, guys. Give me a-
- Reporter 3
Roy Halladay, are you guys at all concerned that Joe Blanton’s terribleness could rub off on you?
- Roy Halladay
That’s a good question. And a real concern. But trust me, we’ve addressed it. We don’t want to be made terrible by Joe Blanton more than anyone. So we don’t spend any time with him. It’s partly by design and partly because great pitchers and terrible pitchers don’t run in the same circles. We spend most of our days accepting awards or being interviewed on national TV and radio shows or signing our autographs at card shows. Guys like him spend their days … well, I don’t know how he spends his days. And I don’t want to know.
- Joe Blanton
Come on, guys. This is-
- Cole Hamels
Today is actually the first time I’ve ever met Joe Blanton. I assume he’s the fat, terrible one down there sitting between Cliff and Roy, right?
- Joe Blanton
We’ve been on the same team for three years, Cole!
- Cole Hamels
I don’t know about that, chubs. I’ve played for a good team the last three years. I doubt you would be on a good team, because you’re terrible.
- Joe Blanton
(weeping) Why are you guys doing this to me?
- Roy Oswalt
To you? Why are we doing this to you?! Are you kidding me? Why are you doing this to us? We could go down as the greatest starting rotation of all-time. Unfortunately, a starting rotation is composed of five pitchers and our fifth pitcher — you — is a giant turd.
- Joe Blanton
(wiping away the tears) That’s it. I’ll show you guys. I’ll show EVERYONE! I’m going to have the best year out of all five of us. That’s right. The BEST! Now, I’m done with the press conference. I’m pissed. And it’s time to get to work on the mound!
He storms off toward the field.
