- Eli
Gee, thanks for my Sponge Bob knapsack, Santa!
- Archie
Okay, kid gift time is over. What did you get me?
(Peyton and Eli pick up a big box from under the tree and place it at their father's feet.)
- Archie
Wow! It's huge!
- Cooper
I chipped in for the paper and the bow.
- Archie
Who are you again?
- Cooper
Cooper. Your oldest.
- Archie
My oldest what? Failure?
- Cooper
No … son.
- Archie
Shut up, failure.
- Cooper
Yes, sir.
(Archie excitedly tears into the package and opens up the top of box. He pulls out a sweater.)
- Archie
What the? What is this? A f—king sweater?
- Peyton
Yeah, dad. We thought it would look good on you. You know, for TV. I got it at the best men's clothier in all of Indianapolis!
- Archie
Indianapo-? … let me tell you little turds something. I don't even like football, okay? I played it for you. I went to college for you. I toiled for years for that piece of crap Saints franchise for you. I learned all about the game for you. So one day I could raise two sons, teach them everything about the game, and they could go on to become the two highest-paid players in the NFL. Why? So they would be super rich and I could get some kickass Christmas gifts.
- Cooper
Umm … three sons, dad.
- Olivia
Shut up, Cooper. Your ashamed father is talking.
- Archie
I did everything for you guys. I even risked this moron's reputation out of college by forcing him to the New York market. (He gestures toward Eli, who has somehow zipped his head inside his Sponge Bob knapsack.) And all I wanted was some great, high-priced Christmas gifts out of it. That's all. That was my whole goal. I made you the two richest players in football. And I get a … a … sweater?
- Peyton
Gee. Sorry, dad.
- Eli
(muffled inside his knapsack)
- Cooper
(weeping into his hands)
(There is a knock at the front door. Archie gets up and answers it and let's a delivery man inside.)
- Delivery Man
Are you Archie Manning?
- Archie
Yes, I am.
- Delivery Man
I have a brand new Maybach for you out front. It's from Tom Brady.
- Peyton
Dammit! Brady!
- Archie
Tom Brady? What for?
- Delivery Man
Well, it says here that he just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and thank you for all you have done for football.
- Archie
Amazing. What a guy!
- Delivery Man
Also, because Peyton and Eli haven't given you any grandchildren, he left one of his extra babies in the trunk.
- Eli
Yes! A play friend!
