Handicapper runs every Friday on SportsPickle during the NFL season.
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1:00 p.m. ET
Cleveland at Pittsburgh (-14)
Of course, a lot of people laughed it off as a transparent ploy to make people think he respects women. But he's put himself in the position where it's damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Make gestures like that and people think they're insincere. Don't make gestures like that and people think you're the same jerk.
I, for one, believe his sincerity.
Because after practice, when the cameras were gone, I spotted him outside the Steelers' South Side facility holding up this sign:
He's good people.
My pick: Pittsburgh
San Diego at St. Louis (+8.5)
Let's analyze this situation. The crying kid was forced to watch the Raiders play football was apparently rooting for a Norv Turner-coached team and was wearing a Chicago Bears t-shirt. He probably has Detroit Lions bed sheets.
The state needs to come and rescue him as soon as possible.
My pick: St. Louis
Kansas City at Houston (-4.5)
Hey! Look! The Texans are mediocre again. The franchise should really just borrow from San Fracisco a little bit and change their name to the Houston 9-And-9-ers.
My pick: Houston
Baltimore at New England (-2.5)
My pick: Baltimore (and to win)
New Orleans at Tampa Bay (+4.5)
To the Arizona Cardinals.
Who started Max Hall at quarterback.
That one had to hurt. Both emotionally and physically. If only there was some way to get over it.
(Yes, that's the Saints (now-)empty painkillers cabinet.)
My pick: New Orleans Saints
Atlanta at Philadelphia (-3)
Kevin Kolb is getting the start again for the Falcons, not Michael Vick. So much for the touching Convicted Dog Killer vs. His Old Team storyline.
/wipes away tears
//gets hit with a shovel and buried in the yard for showing weakness
My pick: Philadelphia
Detroit at New York Giants (-10)
I realize that the San Francisco Giants obviously don't play in New York anymore. But it would be a pretty classy display if the New York Giants grew beards in support of their former baseball brethren.
And, if not classy, it would be awesome to see Eli Manning in a Brian Wilson beard.
My pick: Detroit
Seattle at Chicago (-7)
Pete Carroll Tweeted on Friday that "La Grange" by ZZ Top was his "Song of the Day"
So now we know Pete Carroll's coaching secret. Every Friday before a game, take a trip to a whore house!
My pick: Chicago
Miami at Green Bay (-3.5)
Aaron Rodgers has to be loving the last week-plus of Brett Favre news. He's probably also been texting dick pics of his own. But only to Favre: "This is what a real one looks like, Toy Gunslinger."
My pick: Green Bay
4:05 p.m. ET
New York Jets at Denver (+3)
Ooooh. Look. The Jets got a new team plane:
I suppose this will be the trip Rex Ryan christens the toilet. Oxygen mask will depoy.
My pick: New York Jets
Oakland at San Francisco (-6.5)
The 49ers are 0-5. The 49ers owner, Jed York, believes they will win the NFC West. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH-HA-HA-HA-HA wait. Even though he's named Jed, he might not be that stupid. It's the NFC West, after all. They really could win it. If we laugh at anyone, it should be everyone in the division.
My pick: Oakland (and to win)
4:15 p.m. ET
Dallas at Minnesota (-1.5)
There it is.
What do you mean? I'm sorry, but I don't believe you. That looks exactly like a penis to me.
My pick: Dallas (and to win)
8:20 p.m. ET
Indianapolis at Washington (+3)
It's good Bob Sanders is already hurt. A bounced Donovan McNabb pass would probably shatter his legs.
My pick: Indianapolis***
Monday: 8:30 p.m. ET
Tennessee at Jacksonville (+3)
I look forward to this Monday's adjusted Hank Williams, Jr. intro:
All my rowdy friends are here on Monday niiiiight and by here I'd like to note I don't mean here in Jacksonville because there is absolutely no one here, let alone rowdy peopllllllleeeeeeeee.
My pick: Tennessee
Last week vs. spread: 7-7
Last week just winners: 6-8
Season vs. spread: 33-41-2
Season just winners: 44-32
***Lukewarm Locks last week: 0-1
***Lukewarm Locks this season: 2-5