#1 The Coach From the Stands
"Choke up on that bat!"
"Set a better pick!"
"Aw, hell, we'll have to 'talk' about that one when we get home, won't we, son? This pussy league may not keep score because you're only six, but you and I both know damn well that you're losing 22-3. We'll see if you're a little hungrier for a win when I don't let you eat for the next four days."
#2 The Creepy Coach
His coaching methods may seem a bit unconventional at first, but it's like they always say: the team that showers together in front of the coach wins together in front of the coach. (No one has actually ever said that, but it sounds convincing, right?)
Two regional titles and 14 felony indictments later he'll be stripped of his position.
#3 The Eastern European Coach
Well, winning and mustaches.
Often overheard saying: "Lots of good athlete begin first steroid cycle on ninth birthday! Bend over!"
#4 The Nice Coach
They've been beaten by the mercy rule 15 times this season, but he never stops telling the team that he's proud of their effort and taking them for ice cream. The Nice Coach thinks he's helping his players by not putting too much pressure on them, but he's really teaching them that failure is okay. Orange slices are for losers, coach.
Years later, when everyone on the team is living at a YMCA or in a bus stop, they'll blame this wimpy coach for never teaching them the importance of winning.
#5 The Angry Old Coach Without a Kid on the Team
He's so old and grizzled he doesn't hit grounders to the players; he just sits on the tailgate of his truck and barks orders. By all indications, he hates the sport, the team, and pretty much everything else, but there he is every year, grousing about the league rule that makes him play each team member in every game. Not that it matters. They all suck equally badly anyway.
God, he wishes the league hadn't forced him to stop hitting players with his cane.