Archery – Archery sucks because there are no moving targets. Know what targets would move? Other archers.
Badminton – Badminton should be played using the same rules we all play badminton with: each team gets one grandmother and one little kid.
Basketball – Remember when all of the teams were crappy except the United States? That was way more entertaining. Let's go back to that. When Angola loses by 194 points, everyone wins.
Beach volleyball – Enough with the teasing. It's time to go fully nude.
Boxing – Ignore boxing and replace it with UFC. It's time the Olympics does what everyone else has done.
Canoe – Race speedboats instead. Because speedboats explode sometimes.
Cycling – Race unicycles. Two wheels are for klutzes who can't balance.
Diving – Every diver must do one bellyflop and one cannonball in competition or they are disqualified. Biggest splash get the highest score. Common sense.
Equestrian – There's no reason to completely overhaul this classic sport. So let's just make one minor tweak: If a horse is injured, the owner and jockey are shot along with the horse.
Fencing – Goodbye swords, hello Tasers!
Football/Soccer – Any goals scored by someone with one name are only worth 1/10th of a goal.
Gymnastics – Distract the competitors by surrounding the competition floor with things they were never allowed to have growing up: like video games, and cheeseburgers and fun.
Handball – Just make it dodgeball and award double points for face and crotch shots. Triple points for face shots on someone who is wearing glasses.
Hockey – Allow fans to openly mock the men competing in field hockey.
Hurdles – Every third hurdle is a tiger.
Judo – Every player must have a fatal finishing move.
Jumping – Long jump, triple jump, pole vault, high jump. What are these people jumping over? Exactly. Nothing. It's time to add some alligator pits.
Marathon – Watching a marathon is incredibly boring because it takes so long. They need to make it a shorter, more exciting distance. 100 meters, for example.
Modern Pentathlon – This event includes pistol shooting, fencing, 200m freestyle swimming, show jumping, and a 3km cross-country run. The best way to fix this one is probably to have it include five events that aren't extremely boring to watch.
Rhythmic Gymnastics – "Rhythmic gymnastics" is basically a euphemism for sex. So just make this is sex competition.
Rowing – Winners get to punch the Winklevoss Twins in the face.
Sailing – Hold the competition in Somali pirate-infested waters. It's time to see how fast these guys can really sail.
Shooting – Replace Shooting with the sport of Pistol Whipping.
Swimming – Halfway through the race, gasoline is sprayed into the water and ignited.
Synchronized Swimming – Swimmers must perform until all of their parents start crying in embarrassment.
Table Tennis – Table Tennis gets replaced with Foosball. It's time other basement non-sports get a fair shake.
Taekwondo – Taekwondo winner has to face the Judo winner to see if the two things are really different.
Tennis – No second serves anymore. It's time to stop coddling these tennis players and accepting their mistakes.
Throwing – What's throwing without catching? No throws should count unless a teammate catches the javelin, shot, discus or hammer after it's thrown. It's time these athletes stop being pussies.
Track – The starter's pistol is now a fire hose. Get running!
Trampoline – Put more people on the trampoline than the manufacturer's warning suggests. That would be CRAZY.
Triathlon – Swimming, biking, running. Why limit it to those forms of transportation. How about swimming, biking, flying a jet, skipping.
Volleyball – Volleyball should be played using the same rules we all play volleyball with: each team gets one grandmother and one little kid.
Water Polo – No clock. Games don't end until one competitor drowns.
Weightlifting – Competitors must keep trying to do more weight until they get a hernia or a leg shatters. Prove to us you're giving your all!
Wrestling – Enough with the teasing. It's time to go fully nude.
