New York Jets — the Jets' batch of uniforms contains no No. 6 Mark Sanchez jersey.
New Orleans Saints — the Saints' uniform pants include an external pocket that can be used to fit cash earned during games for knockouts.
Seattle Seahawks — Seahawks jerseys do not have player names on the back to spare Seahawks players from being identified while dressing that ridiculously in public.
Detroit Lions — Lions uniforms are designed to start out strong and then fall apart as the season goes on.
Pittsburgh Steelers — all Steelers jerseys contain a magnetic strip containing their credit card and bank information that allows Roger Goodell to fine them on the field with a single swipe.
Dallas Cowboys — the Cowboys uniforms feature the thinnest, most lightweight fabric ever made, as the team doesn't need a uniform that provides warmth in January.
Washington Redskins — Washington's jerseys contain high-tech fibers that redirect the sun's rays directly at Mike Shanahan's face.
Baltimore Ravens — featuring a state-of-the-art, moisture-wicking fabric, the Ravens new uniforms can be completely dry just 60 seconds after getting doused with Gatorade or champagne following a regular season victory.
Denver Broncos — all new Broncos jerseys contain a flared neck that is really more like a mock turtleneck. Or maybe even a neck brace. Actually, it's just a neck brace. A big, orange neck brace. The rest of the uniform is exactly the same as it was before.
San Diego Chargers — the team's new helmets are designed without earholes in order to help Chargers players ignore everything Norv Turner says.
Cleveland Browns — the Browns' new helmets catch player tears and convert them into a sports drink.
Indianapolis Colts — Colts jerseys are now just white t-shirts with Andrew Luck's face airbrushed on the front.
Jacksonville Jaguars — Nike forgot to make Jaguars uniforms. The Jaguars are just getting sweatpants and some numbered pinnies.
New England Patriots — All Patriots uniforms were made in Nike sweatshops by child laborers. Because Bill Belichick thought that would be hilarious.
