New York Jets the Jets' batch of uniforms contains no No. 6 Mark Sanchez jersey.
New Orleans Saints the Saints' uniform pants include an external pocket that can be used to fit cash earned during games for knockouts.
Seattle Seahawks Seahawks jerseys do not have player names on the back to spare Seahawks players from being identified while dressing that ridiculously in public.
Detroit Lions Lions uniforms are designed to start out strong and then fall apart as the season goes on.
Pittsburgh Steelers all Steelers jerseys contain a magnetic strip containing their credit card and bank information that allows Roger Goodell to fine them on the field with a single swipe.
Dallas Cowboys the Cowboys uniforms feature the thinnest, most lightweight fabric ever made, as the team doesn't need a uniform that provides warmth in January.
Washington Redskins Washington's jerseys contain high-tech fibers that redirect the sun's rays directly at Mike Shanahan's face.
Baltimore Ravens featuring a state-of-the-art, moisture-wicking fabric, the Ravens new uniforms can be completely dry just 60 seconds after getting doused with Gatorade or champagne following a regular season victory.
Denver Broncos all new Broncos jerseys contain a flared neck that is really more like a mock turtleneck. Or maybe even a neck brace. Actually, it's just a neck brace. A big, orange neck brace. The rest of the uniform is exactly the same as it was before.
San Diego Chargers the team's new helmets are designed without earholes in order to help Chargers players ignore everything Norv Turner says.
Cleveland Browns the Browns' new helmets catch player tears and convert them into a sports drink.
Indianapolis Colts Colts jerseys are now just white t-shirts with Andrew Luck's face airbrushed on the front.
Jacksonville Jaguars Nike forgot to make Jaguars uniforms. The Jaguars are just getting sweatpants and some numbered pinnies.
New England Patriots All Patriots uniforms were made in Nike sweatshops by child laborers. Because Bill Belichick thought that would be hilarious.