Why All of Your Fantasy Baseball Picks SUCK

SP

Roy Halladay – Roy Halladay will be 35 this season. Barring Clemensian levels of steroids, pitchers start going in the toilet in their mid-30s. "But, no! Not Roy Halladay! He'll live forever! His 5.40 ERA this spring was just because he wanted to practice throwing huge meatballs to opposing hitters!"

Justin Verlander – Justin Verlander had a career season last year. Read that again: "Justin Verlander had a career season last year." See the problem? Yes, you figured it out: it's now this year. Last season was last year. So enjoy six months of being pissed that he's not as good as he was a year ago.

Clayton Kershaw – Hey, Clayton Kershaw is a good, young starter. That's true. One problem: he has only once won more than 13 games in a season. Actually, two problems: he has only once won more than 13 games in a season and wins are, like, a huge pitching statistic in every fantasy baseball league in the history of the world. So it's insane to make Kershaw your first pitching pick. That is, unless you like overpaying for Dodgers as much as Magic Johnson does. Then, by all means, go nuts. At least the buy-in for your fantasy league isn't $2 billion.

1B

Miguel Cabrera – Cabrera will play third this year but his time at first last year means he is still eligible in fantasy leagues at first. And what his time at third base this year makes him eligible for is near constant trips to the disabled list with various facial fractures as the Tigers learn the hard lesson that slow, obese people are not a good fit for the hot corner, unless the "hot corner" in question is the corner of a buffet station where the mashed potatoes are kept.

Albert Pujols – In his eleventh year in the majors last year at age 31, Pujols posted career lows in RBI, batting average, OBP and OPS (and also probably many more categories, but let's try to keep this short). Do you think he's going to return to form now a whole year older at age 32? Yes? Ahh, you're adorable. Oh, also he's really closer to 42. So, yeah. You might want to pass on Albert Pujols.

Joey Votto – Votto hit below his career average last year and saw his strikeouts increase to a career high for the fourth consecutive season with 129. In spring training he's hit .214 with Ks close to every other at-bat. Buy high on this guy! Worst of all: Joey Votto is Canadian. Do you want a Canadian on your baseball team. Of course not.