1. "We have some great position battles going on."
Translation: "We completely struck out in free agency."
2. "A platoon is a viable option at that position."
Translation: "We have two players at that position who can't hit worth a crap against half the pitchers in baseball. But they hit from opposite sides of the plate, so we're not completely screwed."
3. "We think he provides a veteran presence and is primed for a bounce-back year."
Translation: "This guy was washed up two years ago, but he was cheap and we sadly have no better options."
4. "He came to spring training in great shape."
Translation: "Last year he was 40 pounds overweight, but now he's closer to an ideal weight — which is a nice change since he is a professional athlete and we pay him millions of dollars a year to perform physically and not be a big, lazy fatass."
5. "We fully expect him to be in game shape by Opening Day."
Translation: "Yes, it appears he spent the offseason eating pancakes, but this is baseball; a month of light jogging will easily get him fit enough to play this sport."
6. "He's ready to prove to the doubters what kind of player he really is."
Translation: "Hey, steroids weren't the only reason he's had a great career. I mean, they were a big help. A huge help. But, you know … he still had to make contact."
7. "We actually feel that all of our starting pitchers could be No. 1 starters."
Translation: "All of our starters are considered No. 5 starters outside of this clubhouse."
8. "There are several bullpen jobs open for whoever steps up and takes them."
Translation: "Our bullpen is really going to suck this year."
9. "We're planning to put a lot of pressure on the opposing defense by making plays on the basepaths."
Translation: "We have, like, zero power in our lineup."
10. "We are really excited to see how all of these young players perform."
Translation: "We are rebuilding."
11. "He is working on cutting down his strikeouts."
Translation: "He is working on actually hitting the ball."
12. "He's a gamer. He's the kind of player that wins you ball games with his intangibles."
Translation: "I am very old."
13. "You have to remember that the games don't matter until April."
Translation: "No, I don't know why we haven't won a game in spring training and it pisses me off even more when you ask about it."
14. "No team is perfect, but we like the team we have."
Translation: "At least we're not the Mets."
15. "We're planning to surprise some people this year."
Translation: "We're really going to suck again this year."
