Opinion The 10 Players at Every NFL Combine
1. The Big, Disgusting Fatty
Half man, half Quadruple D breasts, he decided to show up to the NFL Combine in the worst shape of his life. For some reason, to the disgust of us all, the combine directors make him take his shirt off. Probably because the shirt he was wearing was covered in hoagie sauce.
How his career will end up: Wildly successful. After everyone stops retching over the sight of his naked torso, they’ll remember that being morbidly obese is kind of a prerequisite for playing a lineman position in the NFL.
2. The Unexpectedly Slow Guy
All was going well for him. He had a great college football career. Won awards. Was respected by his teammates and coaches. Was thought to be an early round pick. But then … oh, god, it’s almost too horrible to say … but then … his 40 time was 0.03 seconds slower than what is considered ideal for his position. You should go kill yourself, fella.
How his career will end up: After plummeting down the draft, he will be some team’s mid-round “value pick” and — shock of all shocks — turn into a very solid professional football player. Although, there will be that one tackle he’ll miss in Week 7 of his sixth season that was probably due to him being 0.03 seconds too slow.
Opinion Our 7 Greatest President Athletes
Gerald Ford
Gerald Ford was a star football player at Michigan. Mercifully, he died in 2006 — a full season before Rich Rodriguez took over the Wolverines.
Opinion The 10 Smartest Athletes in Sports
#10 – Pau Gasol, PF, Los Angeles Lakers
Gasol speaks three languages fluently and attended medical school in Barcelona before starting his NBA career. Plus, like Albert Einstein and many other intellectuals, he has crazy hair; his is just on the bottom of his face in the form of a neck beard.
#9 – Jeremy Lin, PG, New York Knicks 
Lin graduated with a 3.1 GPA in Economics from Harvard. A 3.1 GPA may not be that impressive at many schools, but Harvard is not many schools. Had Lin played for someone like John Calipari, he would have been able to graduate with a double major in about 8 weeks.
So there’s no question: Lin is smart. So smart he probably can think of a million “Lin”-based puns.
Column
Tweet of the Week
Athletes are Masters of Love
From @RickyWilliams AKA retired running back Ricky Williams …
Column
Overheard ...
From a Coach: Issue #18
Ever hear a coach say something horrible and/or hilarious? Send your submissions to OverheardSP at gmail. Or submit for future editions about things overheard at a game, at the gym or terrible sports gifts you’ve received.
No thanks to me, but my high school’s cross country team was really good. The main reason was because of our coach — he would really push us hard to the point of sometimes getting in yelling matches with some of the runners on the team.
One day he got into it with our team captain, Anthony, who yelled out that he was going to quit if coach didn’t back off. Eventually tensions calmed down and practice started. We headed out on a long run that was in a very different route. Eventually we realized were we were … in Anthony’s neighborhood, then Anthony’s street, and then in front of Anthony’s house, where my coach stopped running and went up to the front door and knocked. “Mrs. Rhoads,” he said when Anthony’s mom opened the door. “Anthony told me today that he is going to quit. What do you think about that?”
No one challenged coach the rest of the season.
- Mike
My high school baseball coach was a dirty old man. He had a bunch of hilariously inappropriate sayings, but the one I remember the best was when he told us that he wanted us to be aggressive on the basepaths.
“If you get a single, I want you looking to extend it into a double. If you’re on first, I want you trying to steal. Why? I don’t need to tell you boys. Second base is the titties.”
- Darren
Opinion The 10 Biggest Flash-in-the-Pan Athletes in Sports History
10. Kevin Maas 
Mass experienced the New York media hysteria 22 years before Jeremy Lin did. A 22nd round draft pick in 1986, Maas was called up to the Yankees in late June of 1990 as a 25 year-old. The first baseman instantly exploded. Maas set a major league record for fewest at-bats to reach 10 home runs (72) and finished his season with 21 home runs in just 79 games. THE YANKEES HAD FOUND THEIR NEW BABE RUTH!
Nope. More like their new Steve Balboni.
In 1991 — in a full season — Maas hit just 23 home runs and batted .220. By 1995 his major league career was over, finishing with one home run and a .193 average as a member of the Minnesota Twins.
Where is he now?: Maas works as a financial consultant in California and regularly returns to Yankee Stadium for Old-Timers’ games, where he is no doubt forced to sit on the bench.
Opinion 8 Ways to Reinvigorate the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue
1. Rely more on the SI brand
Sports Illustrated pumps out 50 issues year behind the reporting and feature writing of its roster of journalists and personalities and then one week decides to just completely ditch them for models in skimpy swimsuits? In the middle of NBA, NHL, and college basketball season, with spring training right around the corner? It makes no sense. What about the SI loyalists who still want to enjoy their favorite writers?
The point being: Let’s see Peter King in some swim trunks drinking a Starbucks latte in the pool at the Pittsburgh Westin.
2. More PhotoShop
As beautiful as the swimsuit models are, their photos are still touched up in PhotoShop. Relying even more on PhotoShop would appeal to a younger demo, allowing SI to become the rare magazine that helps generate memes. If you’re retouching some cellulite on a supermodel, why not PhotoShop a bikini onto the pepper-spraying Occupy cop?
3. New model coverings
Hot women in body paint was neat for a while, but it’s old now. Let’s get rid of the paint. Why not cover women in wallpaper? Or maybe spackle. If paint worked, people will want to see models in all kinds of wall coverings. SI could get Lowe’s or Home Depot to sponsor it and make a mint.
Become a facebook fan
RSS
Follow @sportspickle on twitter