Picture Zamboni Falls Into River
Don't laugh, that zamboni was expensive. The driver, however, was priceless.
Video Why baseball is more popular in Latin America ... and proof the U.S. will never be dominant in hockey
The United States is many things. But a growing market for baseball and dominant at hockey it is not. Here's proof. (VIDEO)
During their first practice today with newly-signed teammate Chris Chelios, Atlanta Thrashers teammates expressed feelings of embarrassment over the fatherly passing style of the 48-year-old veteran defenseman.
"I know he means well, but his passes are so soft. Almost effeminate," said 22-year-old right wing Bryan Little. "And then he spends all this time telling us that his way of passing is just as good and effective as the way we do it, more effective even."
Added Little: "It's so humiliating."
Team sources who attended practice say several Alanta players avoidedChelios's passes throughout the two hours on the ice. Thrashers teammates confirmed the reports, claiming they feared being mocked by the rest of the NHL. Several Thrashers players could be seen using several different strategies of disassociating themselves fromChelios, including skating in a huddled group on the other side of the blue line, hanging out behind the far net, and pretending to not be able to hear him on the bench.
Additionally, the players feared scoring on a pass fromChelioswould lead him into one of his outdated celebratory dances his favorites being The Macarena and wild gyrations to "Who Let The Dogs Out?".
"The worst is when he tries to act cool or be funny when he passes," said center Rich Peverley. "He has no idea how stupid he looks, and I'm afraid he's going to hurt himself. He shouldn't be out here with us. I guess he doesn't have any friends his own age. I hope I'm not like that when I'm old."
Despite the obvious awkwardness in how the Thrashers deal with Chelios,the vet has shown his teammates unconditional support no matter how much they rebel, loudly yelling "You can do it!" and "I believe in you!" from the bench. According to players, this makes them feel even more embarrassed.
ThoughChelioswas not invited out for drinks with the rest of the Thrashers after practice, he offered everyone on the team a ride home in his Ford Taurus, no matter how late they were out.
Buffalo Sabres goalie Ryan Miller led the United States hockey team to the gold medal game in the Olympics. Who is this guy? Here are some facts about Ryan Miller.
Ryan Miller was born July 17, 1980 in East Lansing, Michigan. Miller's mother was impregnated by Magic Johnson during an orgy at a Michigan State frat party.
Miller's younger brother, Drew, is a left wing for the Detroit Red Wings. Three of his cousins Kelly, Kevin and Kip Miller also played in the NHL. And the entire family attended Michigan State. So the Millers are incredibly athletic if not academically gifted.
At Michigan State, Miller was nicknamed "Unscoreonable" by a teammate. Not surprisingly, Michigan State does not have a creative writing program.
The 7-year NHL veteran is 176-100-1 in his career with an impressive 2.58 GAA. Granted, Miller's numbers are aided by the fact that many opposing players intentionally shoot the puck at the center of his chest as hard as they can in hopes of killing that horrific slug-beast on his jersey.
Miller owns a clothing store in East Lansing called The Refinery.It features heavily-padded "goalie chic" apparel. It is wildly unsuccessful.
Ryan Miller is the second-worst actor in world history, ahead of only fellow goalie Jean-Sebastien Aubin.
Miller uses a hybrid style of goaltending, standing a little more upright than traditional butterfly goalies. Thisallows Sidney Crosby to easily shoot under him.
Hoping to boost jersey sales off of their surprising run at the Vancouver Olympics, the U.S. hockey team took the ice in their elimination game in throwback British jerseys.
"I think it's a good look," said head coach Ron Wilson. "And it should also keep us from being overconfident. It's hard to feel confident in an athletic contest with the Union Jack on your chest."
U.S. wing Chris Drury disagreed.
"I feel slower and weaker with this on," he said. "Less aggressive. And kind of sad. I realize alternate jerseys sell well, but I think I'd rather wear a Native American loin cloth."
Other players have started talking with English accents.
"Incredibly annoying," said defenseman Ryan Suter. "My sister went to London for two weeks in college and came home talking like Madonna. So fake and forced. I told her to shut up and talk normal. But just now Zach Parise said to me: 'Alright then. Cheerio. Jolly good pass there, mate.' Fking phony. I don't care how wide open he is. I'm not passing him the puck again."
USA Hockey marketing director Kevin Clark says initial sales of the throwback jersey have been strong.
"The team is hot and people will buy anything related to USA Hockey right now," he said. "For the medal round we're thinking of having them play in Pangea jerseys."
It was only a hockey game. Not much more than an exhibition, with both teams moving on in the tournament. But on a global scale, the USA's surprising 5-3 hockey victory over Canada is much more than all that: it is a condemnation of the Canadian way of life and a notice that the United States will not stand by and let its neighbor to the north run roughshod over the world.
With millions of Americans watching the game live on struggling financial network MSNBC, the U.S. jumped out to an early 1-0 lead and hung on to win despite being outshot 45-23, withstanding a furious late-game rush by the desperate Canadians. The win gave hope to the American people that the United States in the throes of a crisis of confidence can one day defeat the Canadians, be it economically, militarily or athletically. It also showed the world that the U.S. can defeat the hated Canucks.
In fact, the win seemed to have made more of an immediate impact than the 1980 "Miracle on Ice" victory over the Soviet Union. While it took 11 more years for the Soviet empire to fall, this morning Canada has no troops massed along the border and only maintains hold over three relatively useless and uninhabited territories: the Yukon, Nunavut, and the Northwest Territories.
The U.S. team clearly understood the significance of the victory, and their role in putting perhaps the first nail in the coffin of the Canadian empire.
"It's just a game, it really is. It gets us a bye," said U.S. wing Bobby Ryan. "It gets us a couple days of rest, a couple of days of practice together, but other than that, I don't think people should read too much into it. We could see these guys again and it could be for a medal."
"I still think we've got a long way to go," said head coach Ron Wilson. "There are some great teams out there."
And so the Canadian menace fell.