Brian Russell, a 41-year-old Detroit Red Wings fan, was dismayed after attending a reading/signing by novelist JonathanFranzenat the KGB Bar on Sunday night. Heads turned as Russell entered the bar twirling an octopus over his head, loudly chanting “Let’s go Wings!” among the subdued patronage.
Franzen, who was reading a passage from his forthcoming novel,Freedom, briefly paused, but continued despite the disturbance, commenting that some of his fans were “more fanatical than others.”
Russell, having never heard of the National Book Award-winning author, was at first confused, then angry, and then disappointed after realizing he wouldn’t be meeting his favorite hockey player, JohanFranzen.
“I only read two kinds of books: ones with crossword puzzles and ones I find in airplane seat pockets,” said Russell. “And apparently this impostor fruit bag writes neither. I mean, really, how many people in the world could have names that begin with Jo and end inFranzen? Six? Eight?”
Though Russell had no legitimate reason to believe JohanFranzenhad written a book, he figured it was pretty likely, as his two other favorite athletes, Gordie Howe and Muggsy Bogues, had done so in the past.
Despite the misunderstanding, Russell salvaged the evening by visiting a nearby sports bar, where he complained about the Wings’ playoff elimination and the general socioeconomic condition of Detroit to anyone who would listen.
According to senior Pentagon officials, Philadelphia sports fans have begun enriching uranium in hopes of getting it to bomb-quality levels and may be just 3-5 years away building a usable nuclear weapon.
"It could happen even quicker if any of them were sober," saidLieutenant General Ronald Burgess, director of the Defense Intelligence Agency. "I think it goes without saying, we don't want these people to have the bomb."
Available information suggestscentrifuges at three enrichment plant locations the parking lots surrounding Citizens Bank Park, Lincoln Financial Field and the Wachovia Center areproducing low-enriched uranium, but are not yet being used to make highly enriched uranium at a level needed for nuclear weapons. That is the next step, however.
Joey Mottolla, who started the program, admits Philly fans plan to go nuclear.
"You better f-cking believe it," he said, high-fiving his friends. "We're going Enola Gay on all the gay-ass fans of the Cowboys and Mets and Penguins and all of them," he added, before being madefun of by his friends for knowing about history and the Enola Gay.
The program began last November during a tailgate before an Eagles game when some sausages weren't cooking fast enough.
"We needed to speed it up," said Big Mikey, Joey's friend. "It was really cold outside and charcoal just wasn't working. So we thought maybe nuclear would be better way to go. None of us knew shit about that, but my girlfriend's sister's cousin's boyfriend was at the tailgate and it turns out he was some big smart guy who went to Penn. We held him down and farted in his mouth until he agreed to help."
A few months later, the program is progressing nicely.
"I cooked a sausage before the Flyers game the other night in three seconds," said Joey. "And I only have a couple of tumors in my mouth."
While Pentagon officials believe Philly fans are still a few years away from having a usable bomb, Joey and Big Mikey are pushing it to be ready by football season.
"If we don't get to blow up Tony Homo, there's going to be more than farts in that nerd's mouth," said Joey.
Quebec native Simon Gagne returned to his car after practice yesterday morning to find that the tires were slashed and windows were broken. On the driver's door was spray-painted: "GO HOME FRENCH F##GOT!"
"I walked out to my car and couldn't believe what happened," said Gagne. "I asked a guy standing there if he saw who did it and he said: 'Yeah! Me, man! I saw a Quebec license plate and I did what needed to be done!' And then he tried to give me a high-five."
Gagne, the Sainte-Foy, Quebec native who has scored six goals during Philadelphia's six-game playoff win streak, then used his cell phone to call team security to deal with the fan.
"I want to win the Stanley Cup," said Gagne. "We all do. But it's really hard playing for these people sometimes. I think Scott Hartnell is the only one who likes them. Probably because he's even dumber than they are."
But Gagne stressed that not all Philadelphia fans behave in a boorish, violent or criminal way.
"I don't want to paint with a broad brush," he said. "Only 80, 85-percent are like that. There is a small percentage of nice ones."
The fan who vandalized Gagne's car said he was disappointed to hear the star center is from Quebec.
"That's fking gay, man," said Tommy Jenks. "I thought he was from Philly. I don't know how much I can cheer for him anymore. At least we got people like Danny Briere. That's a good Philly name. I know a bunch of people named Danny."
A big, fat queer who wandered into the locker room today said he (she?) didn’t care for the crass language and rude, politically incorrect jokes.
“Fellas, would you mind cutting that stuff out for a few minutes?” said the homo. “I would really appreciate it. I’m here with my daughter and I prefer she didn’t hear these things. She’s only eight.”
The taintlicker’s request was thoughtfully considered by the players in the locker room.
“Oh, we sure are sorry, you butt pirate,” said one player. “But, yeah, your daughter doesn’t have to hear this kind of stuff. But she’s going to see it – wooooooo!” he added, dropping his towel to swing his penis around and around in a circle, an act that earned him high-fives from several of his teammates.
With his flat-chested daughter now crying like a bitch, the fudge packer demanded again that the “immature” behavior stop, now raising his voice.
“Are you guys out of your mind? This is a little girl!” he said. “You should be ashamed of yourselves.”
“Are you guys blah blah blah blah!” quickly replied another player. “Blah blah blah blah blah. I’m a queerbate! I like boys! Blah blah blah blah,” he added, forcing out a fart for good measure.
Added a teammate: “Don’t tell us how to behave in our locker room, dick jockey. If you don’t want your daughter to hear this stuff, don’t bring her in here. We don’t go to her school and ask her to talk different, so don’t bring her here. And, yes, before you say anything, you stupid mongofagaloid, I know I don’t go to her school because the court requires me to stay at least 500 yards away from all schools. But,” he added via belch-talking: “I think my point still holds up. Heh … up. Like my dong right now.”
Frustrated and angry, the limp dick grabbed his daughter’s hand and stormed out of the locker room.
“Wooh! I like watching that girl of yours go,” yelled a player. “Does she like lollipops? I’ve got something she can suck on! Woooooo! Yeah!”
With the queernozzle and his daughter finally out of earshot, the players went back to admiring one another’s naked bodies while lobbing gay jokes back and forth.