Filed Under » NHL

After two days of meetings, NHL general managers have decided that all shots to the head on anyone other than league commissioner Gary Bettman will result in a steep fine and suspension. Also, anyone who hits Bettman in the head will receive a large bonus.

"For the health of our players and especially the long-term health of our sport, we thought this was the smartest decision," said Montreal general manager Pierre Gauthier. "We will revisit everything once the commissioner is forced to resign due to severe head trauma."

The unanimous decision by the league's general managers has been met with great enthusiasm by NHL fans. A line outside of the NHL's Toronto headquarters spreads eight blocks as fans from all over the world queue for a chance to hit Bettman in the head.

"I'm not even a very big hockey fan," said one person in line who flew in from New Zealand. "I just appreciate competent leadership. So I felt like the least I could do is fly across the world for the chance to hit Gary Bettman in the head."

Boston Bruins defenseman Zdeno Chara said he will not change his behavior after shoving a person down four flights of stairs last night.

"The guy came up out of the Subway exit to street level and brushed into me trying to get ahead of me on the sidewalk," said Chara. "That's rude. So I shoved him backwards. I would have done it anywhere. It's not my fault that there were four flights of stairs behind him. It was just bad luck for him being at the wrong place at the wrong time. That's the way the game of life is."

The victim, who has yet to be identified due to severe facial fractures and bruising, also broke his neck, all of his ribs, his back, his pelvis, and both femurs. He also had his left leg torn off when he rolled all the way down the steps and into the path of a subway train.