News Caps Hoping to Make Alexander Ovechkin Date Kate Hudson
Time had only just expired on the Washington Capitals’ stunning first-round playoff exit at the hands of the 8th-seeded Montreal Canadiens and already team officials were outlining changes that must be made for the team to be more competitive next season.
“We need to build this team more for playoff hockey,” said general manager George McPhee. “We need to find a No. 1 goalie. And, most of all, we need to admit what is now obvious: Alexander Ovechkin has a problem stepping up in big games. That track record is undeniable. But we think there is hope.”
McPhee says he has already placed a call to representatives of actress Kate Hudson, who last fall miraculously transformed Alex Rodriguez from sport’s biggest choker into a postseason star.
“That woman’s vagina has magical, healing powers,” said McPhee. “We want Ovie to be cleansed and renewed in its waters.”
Hudson is currently on-location filming the movie “Something Borrowed” with Colin Farrell, John Krasinski and Ginnifer Goodwin, but her agent says she is considering the offer.
“It’s going to be tough for Kate to date right now,” said Patrick Whitesell of William Morris Endeavor. “She’s filming a movie and has two other projects coming up. Also, we have a date request from Sergio Garcia. And he’s more of her type. But if Mr. Ovechkin’s people can throw season tickets for Kurt Russell into the deal, it will help his chances.”
Ovechkin says he supports management’s plan.
“Kate Hudson. I like her very much,” said Ovechkin. “‘You, Me and Dupree’ is great movie. Very funny. Now I can have the sex with the Me character, yes? Her voojonny bring me many championship?”
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News NHL Scraps Playoffs for Best-of-29 US-Canada Series
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman announced today that the league plans to cancel the remainder of its postseason tournament and instead play a Best-of-29 series between Team Canada and Team USA.
“The ratings for the opening night of the playoffs were not what we hoped they would be,” said Bettman. “We want to get back to the level of excitement we saw for hockey for the USA-Canada gold medal game at the Olympics. And recreating that game is the only way to do it.”
The first game of the series is scheduled for Sunday, giving the national teams time to re-form and hold a few practices.
“Having good, efficient practices will be incredibly important,” said U.S. head coach Ron Wilson, who thought his season was over with the end of the Toronto Maple Leafs’ regular season. “If you drop the first six or seven games of this series, it will be a pretty big hold to dig yourself out of.”
With the 29-game format, the series could wrap up in mid-June, or as early as the first week of May. Bettman, of course, hopes the series will go a full 29 games for ratings.
“Game 7 in the NHL playoffs is as exciting as it gets,” he said. “Now imagine the excitement of a winner-take-all Game 29. I don’t have a calculator on me, but it would be about 4.1 or so times more exciting!”
While the commissioner is excited about the plan, many NHL fans are not.
“I love the NHL playoffs the way they are,” said Ottawa Senators fan Jeff Donnelly. “Plus, I was used to hating Sidney Crosby again. It’s going to take me a little bit to get back to rooting for him. It feels unnatural, fellow Canadian or not.”
“It’s a terrible idea,” said Blackhawks fan Mike Hartman. “Because I heard Gary Bettman thought of it. If he thought of it, it therefore must be terrible.”
According to a league source, Bettman wanted to do more than scrap the playoffs.
“He said because the Winter Classic is so popular, we should play all of the U.S.-Canada games outdoors,” says the source. “We told him that’s not really feasible in April, May and June. It took him a while to realize why, but eventually we broke through.”
