AVOID: Carson Palmer, QB, Bengals Like a hot dog, Carson Palmer may seem appetizing, but he is tainted by toxic ingredients you should avoid if you are smart.
Consider the similarity between what fills a hot dog and what surrounds Carson Palmer.
Hot dog: leftover scrap meats /Bengals: Cedric Benson
Hot dog: saturated fats /Bengals: Andre Smith
Hot dog: filler /Bengals: Chad Ochocinco
Hot dog: floor scrapings / Bengals: Laveranues Coles
Hot dog: mechanically separated poultry / Bengals: Chris Henry
Hot dog: preservatives / Bengals: Marvin Lewis
Hot dog: unidentifiable /Bengals: Ben Utecht
And even if Carson Palmer wasgood and even if he wasn't injury prone and even if he played on a good team really. That picture. You can't draft him. You just can't. You must question his judgment. If there's one pass on the line with my fantasy season in the balance, I don't want the guy who thought it was a savvy marketing move to fellate a weiner making the decision on where to put the ball.
Despite reports that he sustained a shoulder injury when Albert Haynesworth fell on him, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady insisted today that he has absolutely no pain in his throwing arm.
"Look at my arm. It looks perfect, doesn't it? Almost without flaw," said Brady, pointing to what looked awfully similar to a prosthetic arm connected to his right shoulder. "I have no pain at all. I don't even have nerves. I'm good to go for Week 1."
But Brady refused to say whether he had been outfitted with a prosthetic limb.
"Oh, come on. You know that's not how we work," said the quarterback, laughing. "All those kinds of questions have to go through coach. I'm sure he'll list something on the injury report."
Bill Belichick also denied his star player suffered such a severe injury that his arm had to be amputated.
"He got a little banged up. It's football," said Belichick. "These things happen. I don't know what everyone is freaking out about."
He then chafed at suggestions Brady would take the field with a prosthesis.
"Even if he did, are you saying that would make him somehow less than ideal? Less than perfect?" he said. "I'd like to hear you share that opinion with some of our wounded military men and women."
Even with the insistence that Brady is 100-percent, the Patriots have reportedly been looking to improve their backup options behind him, reaching out to Jeff George and working with MIT scientists to create a football-throwing robot.
And Brady's health is further complicated after he accidentally let his right arm sit on the grill at the team's dining facility today, melting the right hand off.
"What? I meant to do that," he said. "I like the smell of burning flesh when I eat. Burning human flesh. Even though mine sort of smells like plastic."
AVOID: Matt Schaub, QB, Texans Matt Schaub is surrounded by a ton of weapons in Houston. Andre Johnson, Steve Slaton, Kevin Walter, Owen Daniels. Here's the only problem: Matt Schaub is not very good. Picture Johnson, Slaton, Walter, and Daniels as actual weapons. Awesome weapons. In fact, consider them the Batman suit. Pretty cool, right? Unlimited potential. But all those weapons are useless if you don't have someone who can control them. Now imagine Stephen Hawking as being inside the Batman suit. Useless. Matt Schaub is Stephen Hawking. He'll be able to spin around. He'll probably get off a few shots. He might even get lucky to hit some people with them. But it won't be nearly as good as you'd hope.
DRAFT: Kevin Walter, WR, Texans While Andre Johnson will draw double teams on the opposite side, and with Steve Slaton drawing attention out of the backfield, Walter will get plenty of opportunities to put up big numbers in Houston's high-octane attack and should easily improve on last season's totals of 60 receptions, 899 yards and and 8 TDs. We're talking numbers akin to the best years of I don't know Ed McCaffrey? No. How about Ricky Proehl? No, still not a good comparison. Brandon Stokley maybe? No. Not even close. You know, Walter may force me to break the cardinal rule of sportswriting this year and compare a white receiver to a black guy. Whoa.
Watch this (hat tip:Hot Clicks):
I can only think of a few things that would be as awkward.
- wearing a Donte Stallworth jersey while riding the go-carts
- wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey while playing a shooting game at the arcade
- working at the park's dining hall as a turkey carver while wearing a Ray Lewis jersey
- wearing an Eagles coaches jacket to the park while your kid tries to smuggle drugs in his rectum past park security
- wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jersey anywhere in public
I guess it's all just another day at Six Flags Over Bad Newz Kennels.
He has frequently been on the cover of such magazines as Muscle & FitnessandMen's Health, includingothers. Now a young male model by the name of Brady Quinn reportedly may become the face of the Cleveland Browns organization.
"I am not ready to make any decisions, but Brady Quinn has impressed me in camp," said Browns head coach Eric Mangini. "I know it's not necessarily normal to pluck a football player from the world of men's fashion. But I don't want to limit my options or stereotype."
As unlikely as it may sound, the aspiring fashion icon says he actually has some football background Quinn says he played for a small Catholic school in Indiana. But a quick check of recent records show the program is quite poor. And since graduating from the school in 2007, Quinn has primarily focused on modeling. In addition to magazine covers, he has appeared in commercials for Subway restaurants and EAS. And, per the demands of the fashion industry, he has experimented wildly with his hair, as well as his wardrobe including a fascination with tights.
But now he claims his attention is on football.
"Modeling and fashion will always be in me," says Quinn, as evidenced by his appearance on the most recent issue of Muscle & Fitness. "And that's probably how I'll always be thought of first. But I wanted to give playing quarterback a shot, too. There is only room for one Tyson Beckford. But there are more than 30 starting quarterbacks in the NFL. And while it's true that I didn't play at an elite level in college. But I think that makes the Browns the best fit for me as far as making an easy transition."
Mangini thinks Quinn could open a pipeline for more models to enter the NFL.
"These models keep themselves in great shape. They have to. The job demands it," said Mangini. "And once he goes back to visit his runway buddies and tells them about all the brigthly-colored shirts and the tight pants, I think the NFL is going to have them lining up like it's a warehouse sale at Barneys."