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We all know the scores. But who really won and lost this week?

Winners

1. Larry Fitzgerald – You didn’t die or burst into flames. Suck on that, Madden. Troy Polamalu is just a wuss with (girlier) girl hair.

2. Brett Favre – Gunslingers don’t have to only shoot people from afar. A close-range shot is effective, too. Oftentimes more effective. If Favre can continue to turn around and gunsling the ball directly into Adrian Peterson’s hands – and never ever gunsling it down the field – the Vikings might be halfway decent. If that’s not risky enough for Favre, perhaps he can consider Peterson’s arms to be double coverage.

3. Twitter – Did Jake Delhomme or Jay Cutler throw another interception? Just ReTweet the last time you Tweeted “Delhomme picked” or “Another Cutler turnover.” Communicating has never been quicker or easier!

4. Drew Brees – Nice start to the season: 6 TDs. Here’s a Brees Fun Fact for you: When his facial mole beacon glows dark brown, he is powered all the way up and can throw it the length of the field.

5. St. Louis Rams – Zero points. Way not to peak in September. Tony Romo and the Cowboys could learn something from the Rams. Is St. Louis my darkhorse Super Bowl pick? No way. More like my Super Bowl favorite.

Losers

1. Anthony Gonzalez – On the shelf for six weeks with a knee injury. That’s interesting. I had no idea that penises have knees.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers – You beat the Arizona Cardinals to win the Super Bowl? Oh, really impressive. Wow. Quite a feat. So what you’re saying is that you held a parade to celebrate beating … the Arizona Cardinals?Pathetic. Just sad.

3. Philadelphia Eagles – Donovan McNabb may miss a few weeks with a broken rib. More if Andy Reid tries to dip the rib into barbecue sauce and eat it.

4. Tony Dungy – Not a good start on NBC’s studio show. They dropped Jerome Bettis for this guy? Dungy’s unblinking eyes are wider than Bettis’ waist. He hypnotized me three times during one segment. He almost convinced me to watch Jay Leno’s new show.

5. Reggie Bush– The Saints offense exploded for 45 points against the Lions. Well, everyone except Bush exploded. He had 14 yards on 7 carries. He also had two fumbles. But, guess what! Bush has a sex tape! Nothing is more interesting than a video of a crap running back having sex. I still remember watching Lawrence Phillips f—k the Rams.

1:00 p.m. ET

Miami at Atlanta (-4)

Will Matt Ryan fall prey to the sophomore slump? I know I did when I was a sophomore. But then I worked on my core strength and saw a doctor about my scoliosis. And by junior year I had my first date! (She still had terrible posture, unfortunately.)

My pick: Miami (and to win)

Denver at Cincinnati (-4)

Marvin Lewis better win this year or he's going to lose his job. (No, just kidding. I say that every year. Apparently Bengals management doesn't give a crap about winning.)

My pick: Cincinnati***

Minnesota at Cleveland (+3.5)

Eric Mangini is still trying to keep his starting quarterback a secret. But Mangini sucks at trying to keep secrets. Take his name, for example. Dude, it doesn't matter how you spell it, we know your ancestors immigrated here from Italy due to being discriminated against in their homeland for their manginas.

My pick: Minnesota

Jacksonville at Indianapolis (-7)

The Colts have a new head coach, but there is some continuity on the staff in that offensive coordinator Tom Moore is still in place. It would have been hard for Peyton Manning to learn all new plays to ignore.

My pick: Indianapolis

Detroit at New Orleans (-13)

Relax, Lions fans. Don't freak out and claim Matthew Stafford is the messiah when he puts up gaudy stats in this game. He's playing against the Saints defense. They suck. And, really, a line like 14-for-29 with 140 yards and an interception is not a gaudy passing line. It's just that you're Lions fans and you don't know any better.

My pick: New Orleans

Dallas at Tampa Bay (+6)

The Cowboys weren't very good when Terrell Owens was on the team. But at least they were interesting. Now they're not very good and boring. And what a perfect segue for me to talk about the Buccaneers. Hey, did you ever notice that the Buccaneers are not very good and boring?

My pick: Dallas

Philadelphia at Carolina (+2.5)

Their defensive coordinator passed away. Their starting running back is hurt all the time. Their best linebacker is out for the year. Their starting quarterback is inconsistent. They have a quarterback controversy in the waiting. And their head coach can't win a big game. Some people are way too high on this Eagles team. Like, Andy Reid blood sugar-high after a lunchtime trip to Krispy Kreme.

My pick: Carolina (and to win)

Kansas City at Baltimore (-12.5)

Matt Cassel was brought in to be the savior in Kansas City. That's something Joe Montana could not do. But I'm totally sure someone of Matt Cassel's ability will succeed where Joe Montana could not.

My pick: Baltimore

New York Jets at Houston (-4.5)

Many people are picking the Texans as a breakout team this year. And I agree. I think by season's end the percentage of Americans who have heard of the Houston Texans will grow from 3.7-percent well into the lows 4.0s. Maybe even as high as 4.5 in the very unlikely circumstance they make the playoffs.

My pick: Houston***

4:15 p.m. ET

Washington at New York Giants (-6.5)

The current line among Giants homers for Eli Manning's continued mediocrity is that his accuracy problems are due to the swirling winds at Giants Stadium. (They're still working on a theory for road games.) Even if that's true (it's not), what the theory doesn't take into account is the whole chicken-or-the-egg thing. You've heard how the single flap of a butterfly's wing can lead to a massive hurricane or a tornado. Imagine the sort of weather disturbance caused by a flipping and flopping and wobbling Eli Manning pass. We're lucky we're not all dead.

My pick: New York Giants

San Francisco at Arizona (-6.5)

After Troy Polamalu's injury, Larry Fitzgerald has to be legitimately concerned for his health. But I think the Madden "curse" has something especially cruel in store for him. He won't be hurt. Instead, Kurt Warner will be hurt. And Fitzgerald will have to play with Matt Leinart as his quarterback. Mwuah-ha-ha-ha-ha.

My pick: Arizona

St. Louis at Seattle (-8)

Many think the Seahawks will be back in playoff contention this year. And they probably will. But I'm not sure it's good when your head coach is considered the dumber version of Jim Mora, Sr.

My pick: Seattle

8:20 p.m. ET

Chicago at Green Bay (-3.5)

With complimentary lighting, it's possible to make Jay Cutler look like he doesn't have a double chin. Unfortunately, there's no sort of trick that can make Jay Cutler not seem like a divisive prick.

My pick: Green Bay

Monday

Buffalo at New England (-10.5)

How ineffective has Buffalo's offense been? So bad it may only score 20 or so points on New England's defense.

My pick: New England

San Diego at Oakland (+9)

This game ends the opening week of the NFL and doesn't kickoff until 10:15 p.m. ET. It's an appropriate late start for what is essentially a snuff film.

My pick: San Diego

— THURSDAY PICK NOW BELOW —

Amid previous allegations of battery and false imprisonment, reality TV star Tila Tequila today filed additional charges against her boyfriend, Chargers All-Pro linebacker Shawne Merriman, with the San Diego police department, accusing him of choking her to death, placing her body inside a duffel bag, and throwing her corpse into the Pacific Ocean.

“It’s time for the truth to come out,” Tequila told reporters. “Over the past few days, Shawne Merriman and his lawyers have done everything in their power to disgrace and discredit me. They’ve portrayed as a drunken, lying attention whore. Well, now it’s time for the truth to come out. Shawne Merriman murdered me, in cold blood.”

Tequila alleges that, on the night in question, Merriman demanded she participate in a five-way orgy with three other women, one of them famed aviatrix Amelia Earhart. When she refused, she claims Merriman grew enraged, throwing her against the wall and placing her hands around her throat, choking her until her pulse flat-lined.

“And I begged Shawne to stop,” Tequila said, “but he just squeezed harder and harder. And then I saw a white light, and I knew that was it. I knew I was gone.”

Paramedics arrived at the scene were unable to revive Ms. Tequila in the ambulance. According to Ms. Tequila, she was pronounced dead on arrival at Scripps Mercy Hospital.

“It’s just such a senseless tragedy,” she said. “I was young girl, and there were so many things I wanted to do with my life.To think that I’ll never get married and have children… to think that my mother will never hear my voice again… It’s just so awful. The hardest part is accepting that I’m dead, and I’m not coming back."

“Also, y’all gotta come see me host Smirnoff Ice’s NFL Kickoff party at Rain in Vegas this weekend,” she added. “It’s gonna be AMAZING.”

Merriman’s camp responded immediately to Tequila’s claims.

“These charges are completely without merit,” said laywer Todd Macaluso. “I demand an autopsy be performed on Ms. Tequila’s body immediately. My client is even willing to pay the cost of it, and perform it himself if that’s okay with everyone.”

Tequila countered Macaluso’s statements on her Twitter feed:

“They can say wat they want yall. But Shawne can’t hide from the fact someone was killed that nite: Me. Love you guys! Xoxoxoxo, Tila”

His fellow cover subject on Madden NFL 10, Troy Polamalu, didn't make it through the first half of his first regular season game of the year before suffering a serious knee injury. Once he saw that, Cardinals receiver Larry Fitzgerald decided he wasn't going to sit idly by and wait to see how fate would punish him.

Instead, he took matters into his own hands — and lost an important part of those hands in the process.

"Troy's knee was hurt pretty bad," said Fitzgerald. "I didn't want something like that to happen to me — or worse. So I grabbed a butcher's knife out of the drawer, bit down on a wooden spoon and chopped off my pinkie."

Before he could reconsider, Fitzgerald says he threw the severed digit into his kitchen sink and pushed it far down into the drain where he could reach it.

"I didn't want to panic and run to the hospital to have my finger re-attached," said the receiver, "only to take the field on Sunday and have some linebacker blow out my knee on a hit. I wanted to finish this Madden business now and on my own terms. And now I can move on, I just have nine fingers to catch with now instead of 10. It's not a big deal."

Cardinals head coach Ken Whisenhunt says he wishes his star player hadn't taken such drastic action.

"I know he probably wanted to cash in on his huge season last year and expand his marketability, but agreeing to be on the cover of Madden is not the answer. It's foolish. And it's dangerous," said Whisenhunt. "But I'm glad he only lost a finger in the end. That was smart of him to chop it off. I was worried and resigned to the fact that it would be much, much worse. I'll take a pinkie stump."

With his stump sitting against a bag of ice, a crude tourniquet tied around the base to stem the bleeding, Fitzgerald watched SportsCenter for any news on his fallen friend, Polamalu.

"I'll admit that I am a little surprised to learn that it's only an MCL sprain and that Troy should be back well before midseason," said Fitzgerald. "It seemed much worse at first. Maybe I, uh … maybe I acted a bit rash. I'll admit. There may have been better options. Or maybe it would have been best had I just not done anything at all. You know, I wish I still had that pinkie to re-attach. I really do. But I chopped it up in the garbage disposal."

Buffalo Bills rookie cornerback Ellis Lankster struggled a bit in a postgame interview earlier this preseason.

Like, um … awkward.

But with great awkwardness comes great opportunity for great awesomeness. Or, like, um … however that saying goes.

Check this out.

Like, um … I want to get that on my iPod. Like, um … now.

After an offseason of conditioning and film study, more than a month of grueling practices in the summer heat and four exhibition games, NFL players are now ready to start playing games for the benefit of fantasy football leagues.

"We know how seriously people take fantasy football and we want them to know that we take our role in it very seriously, too," said LaDainian Tomlinson, a highly-ranked fantasy running back.

Tomlinson and other players say making their fantasy owners happy motivates them all year.

"Every weight I lift, every drill I run — it's all because I want to provide those who own me with as many points as possible. I try to grind out every extra yard for those leagues that use decimal point scoring," said running back Frank Gore. "If I make my owners happy and help them win their fantasy football league, then I've done my job. Team goals are secondary."

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says the league's focus has shifted in recent years.

"Winning games and Super Bowls is nice," he said. "But we all know where our bread is buttered now. The amount of money that fantasy football brings in, the amount that fantasy football has expanded our fanbase and increased the interest of our existing fans — fantasy is far more important to the NFL than reality."

That's why Goodell put in place many additional safety rules this season.

"We can't have fantasy stars like Tom Brady going down every year. It hurts one NFL team," he said, "but it affects thousands of fantasy teams. And that's bad for our brand."

Steelers running back Willie Parker says he knows firsthand how fantasy football trumps real football.

"I have been a major contributor to two Super Bowl teams," he said. "Only a handful of running backs in NFL history can make that claim. Yet most fans think of me more as a guy whose fantasy impact is limited by the fact that I don't get a lot of touches near the end zone. I can't tell you how much that hurts. I'd give up all of my championships to switch careers with a consistent fantasy performer like Steven Jackson."

As Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger tries to keep his focus on the field, the civil suit against him off the field continues to develop.

Today the Super Bowl-winning quarterback's attorney, David Cornwell, released a series of photos of Roethlisberger's accuser intended to cast additional doubt on the veracity of her claims.

"I'm not going to draw any conclusions for you about who the true identity of Ben's accuser might be," said Cornwell, toggling through more than a dozen images projected on a large screen at a press conference, stopping extra long on a shot of the woman leaving her attorney's office wearing a gray hoodie. "I think you can all see the … certain resemblance. I'll let you draw the obvious conclusions yourselves."

Cornwell briefly took media questions about the civil case, but stuck to his talking points regardless of the question.

"My attention is on this case, but Ben's focus is strictly on football right now. And, interesting side note: the Steelers have won two Super Bowls since Bill Belichick's Patriots last won one," said the attorney, completely ignoring a question about whether the civil case might be dismissed by the judge.

He later said that Roethlisberger had indeed had encounters with his accuser, "but never in Lake Tahoe — only in New England and Pittsburgh and usually at midfield after games."

Patriots head coach Bill Belichick was asked at his press conference today if he had any comment on the latest news from the Roethlisberger case.

"Oh, come on, guys. You know I can't and wouldn't comment on that. That's a civil case I know absolutely nothing about," he said. "And as you well know, I only answer questions about the New England Patriots. I will say, however, that Ben Roethlisberger's accuser appears to be a very handsome woman. I hope my beauty does not prevent people from taking these chargers very seriously."