September 18, 2009 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @sonofbum AKA Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips
Perhaps you watched Jake Delhomme's Week 1 performance against the Philadelphia Eagles on television. Unfortunately for Panthers receiver Steve Smith, he had to experience it firsthand.
Fast-forward to about the 2:15 mark
Really, Delhomme? The only problem with it was that it was "too high"? That excuse didn't fly for Cleveland Indians fans in Major League and it doesn't work for you either.
Oh, and the rest of us don't know you personally like Steve Smith. So we don't know if you're a nice person. We just know you has a comically inept quarterback. That is how we will always think of you. Sorry about that.
(Hat tip for the video: Hot Clicks.)
A day after Jacksonville Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver said his team will consider drafting Tim Tebow this year to invigorate the franchise's flagging fanbase, the Florida Gators quarterbacked reacted strongly.
"I am a big fan or murder. I do it a lot myself, in fact," said Tebow during a press conference broadcast only to the Jacksonville area. "I also enjoy interceptions. Many times I throw a football wildly into a playground, striking a child in the head and killing it. This hobby of mine combines my two great loves: murder and inaccurate passing."
Then Tebow really tried to show the Jaguars he's not the person they think he is and said the the first curse word of his life: "Farts!" he yelled. "Gosh golly farts! If I was an NFL team, I wouldn't draft me. I'm too big of a risk. Farts!"
At the same time Tebow was holding his Jacksonville-targeted press conference, representatives of the quarterback were contacting NFL front offices to inform them that his comments were merely a ploy to have the Jaguars lose interest in his services.
"Most of the teams I spoke to told me that this actually improves their impression of Tim," said Tebow's mother, Pam. "They want players who want to play for winners. They said anyone who doesn't want to play for the Jaguars is their kind of player."
Tebow said he thinks his press conference will be successful in keeping him away from Jacksonville. But he also admits he may have gone too far.
"Cursing felt so good," said Tebow. "I've been waiting my whole life to do something naughty. Farts! And now I have. Farts! And it feels amazing. Farts! Farts! Farts!"
The Gators star says he is fighting the urge to go to a nearby playground and throw a pass into a bunch of kids.
"I don't want to kill one," he said. "Just maybe make one of them cry. Maybe some blood. I think it would be fun. I'm just on such a high from doing something bad. I feel so free! Flatulence!"
The Detroit Lions welcomed back a familiar face to the locker room today as star running back Barry Sanders reported to practice after a 10-year hiatus.
“I feel like the time is right,” said Sanders. “It’s been 10 years. Maybe I left too early before. But I feel rested and rejuvenated. A whole decade’s worth or rest and rejuvenation. I am ready to play again.”
But while the Lions waited for years for Sanders to return and rescue the moribund franchise, some in the organization worry the all-time great, now 41, may have lost a step since last playing in 1998.
“He left at the top of his game,” said Lions head coach Jim Schwartz. “There was a whole lot left in the tank. But maybe the gas has gone bad. Or maybe the bottom of the tank has rusted out. Or perhaps other parts of the car have gone bad. Like perhaps the tires. Or the brakes. Or the engine. Okay, I’ll stop with the analogy. What I’m saying is that Barry Sanders is very, very old.”
Despite Schwartz's concerns about Sanders, general manager Martin Mayhew says Sanders is welcome back with open arms.
“Have you seen our team? I can’t name more than five guys on our roster – and I helped sign or draft almost all of them,” he said. “Hell yes Barry Sanders is back on our team. In fact, he will start this week. We don’t really have any other options. Kevin somebody is playing now. He went to some crap college I never heard of. Barry is definitely our guy. I think he can be as good as before. If he's feeling fresh he might get some time at safety, too.”
Sanders says he just wants to get back out on the field and play football again.
“I’m going to strap on my L.A. Gears, get some C+C Music Factory pumping in my Sony CD Walkman and go to work,” he said. “I just hope we play the Oilers this year. I always did well against them.”
Picture Sexual NFL Screenshot
He's down to touch.
A terrified Darren Sproles stopped to catch his breath in the deep, safe grass of the Oakland Coliseum outfield last night after scurrying across the dirt infield for a 20-yard gain against the Raiders. After the brief stop, the miniature Chargers back checked to see that the coast was clear and then pushed his way through the dense field before emerging in the end zone.
"I saw him shoot out across the dirt," said Raiders defensive lineman Richard Seymour. "I almost stomped him with my foot, and thenNnamdi Asomugha almost hit with a broom. But he was too fast. Too shifty."
And then once he made it to the grass, Sproles was out of sight.
"I didn't even bother looking for him," said Seymour. "That's why we set Sproles traps out there. Apparently we need to set more because he's still loose."
Once Sproles made it through the end zone, he climbed up the goal post to the crossbar and waved his arms to show that he had scored. But the trek had taken so long, play had continued on without him.
"We thought he had gone to his nest or something," said head referee Jeff Trimble. "Play had to continue. He was gone for minutes. Plus, it's not fair for him to carry a tiny football, too. I know he has his handicap and the NFL tries to be sensitive to that, but that makes him impossible to see."
Sproles says he would have to retire if he is forced to use a regulation-size football.
"I would be crushed," he said. "And I may be small, but you might be surprised at the amount of blood inside me. I'm like a small mosquito."
AVOID: Mike Bell, RB, Saints Bell was the big surprise of Week 1, gaining 143 yards on 28 carries. Those are fantasy superstar numbers. But don't reach on Bell. First of all, it's Mike Bell. He has 865 career rushing yards in four seasons and that includes Sunday's 143-yard game. Second, Bell didn't record a single reception, which is not exactly a ringing endorsement for his hands on a team that throws the ball so much. And third, the only reason Bell got 28 carries is because Pierre Thomas missed the game with a sprained MCL. Going forward, Bell will only split carries with Thomas. So consider whether it's worth burning a waiver pick on a part-time running back.
(NOTE: All of the above is moot if you have Reggie Bush on your fantasy team. Then you should drop Bush and pick up Mike Bell. Or, if you can't get Bell, drop Bush and pick up any other Saints running back who is not named Reggie Bush. Or any other running back in the league. Or bolster your depth at kicker. Or actually, no. Just stay with the Saints. They have an explosive offense. Dalton Hilliard maybe? He'll probably at least put up equal numbers to Bush.)
The New England Patriots promised today that they will never wear throwback uniforms again honoring the 1926 Boston Bulldogs after 14 players were killed, and more than 20 more were injured, during the team’s game on Monday.
“We will always honor and remember the proud history of football in New England,” said Patriots owner Robert Kraft, “but perhaps not wearing helmets and putting our players in minimal, antiquated pads was not the best way to do that. Still, they looked cool out there. At least before the carnage began.”
Two Patriots suffered fatal head trauma and one was decapitated on the opening kickoff, a bloody eight seconds that foreshadowed the remainder of the game.
“I wish the team would have at least worn leather helmets back then,” said Patriots head trainer Michael Fox. “That would have given me a sort of bucket to scoop up the brain chunks. But, no, I had to get down on my hands and knees and crawl around on the field looking for everything – lobes, gray matter, eyes. It was no fun.”
Packers linebacker Jerod Mayo escaped death, but was forced out of the game in the third quarter after suffering a broken pelvis and two dislocated shoulders.
“I don’t know if players were tougher back then or if they were wimps who played a pussified form of football that didn’t require helmets and pads,” he said. “I think it’s the latter and that today’s players are just faster and stronger. But I don’t want to think about it anymore because it hurts to think due to the four concussions I suffered.”
With 12 players dead at halftime, head coach Bill Belichick fired up the team with a speech urging them to use the memories of their fallen teammates as motivation for the second half.He also urged them to use their fallen teammates as protection.
“I used chunks of one guy’s skull – I’m not sure who’s, he wasn’t identifiable – to fashion myself a chest plate,” said wide receiver Randy Moss. "I'm used to gutting fish, so it was nothing to me. And then I made crude shoulder pads out of forearms bones and chunks of hair and skin. Needless to say, I didn’t get hurt at all in the second half. In fact, I might go with the bone, hair and skin shoulder pads again this week.”
Belichick said the game was hard to watch.
"I struggled. I did," he said. "It was hard to stand there and not laugh out loud. That was the most fun I've ever had coaching. Did you see the blood spurt out of that rookie's ear on the punt return? So awesome."
During a commercial break in last night's "Football Night In America" broadcast on NBC, new panelist Rodney Harrison rose from his seat and dove into the knees of fellow anchor Dan Patrick, seriously injuring the media personality.
"It's been almost a year now since I've been on a football field," said Harrison. "I miss hurting people. It was great to hit another man again when he's not expecting it."
Harrison said he felt Patrick was a good target because he is the approximate size of an NFL quarterback.
"Plus he dyes his hair. He had it coming," said Harrison. "I would have taken out Keith Olbermann, but that pussy probably would have tried to sue."
Patrick's left knee was horrifically twisted and he suffered a nasty gash on his shoulder from falling down off the set stage into the corner of a step.
"There is blood everywhere!" he boomed, his intense pain not affecting his broadcaster's voice. "You can't stop the blood, you can only hope to contain it! It burns! My shoulder is en fuego!"
Harrison says he hopes to take out more of his NBC colleagues as the season goes on.
"Peter King? Definitely. That guy is a total tool," he said. "Costas? I would break that dude in half. And even under the threat of a lawsuit, I'm still taking Olbermann down. That would be too fun. I bet his glasses would break. And he'd cry. Awesome."
But there is one colleague Harrison plans to avoid.
"Tony Dungy," he said. "Have you seen the eyes on that guy? Creepy. If I hurt him he'd probably put some weird voodoo, mind control thing on me. I'd have to hit him hard enough to kill him so he can't do his voodoo. And I don't know if I'm capable of that anymore. That's why I unfortunately had to retire from football."