We all know the scores. But who really won and lost this week?
1. Tony Romo - Ha! And people said Tony Romo always stinks in December and January. Idiots! Tony Romo stinks all the time.
2. Eric Mangini - Once again, he has successfully hid an injury from the NFL, as it is now quite obvious that the majority of the Cleveland Browns roster is afflicted with serious mental and physical handicaps.
3. Tom Brady - Gisele confirmed last week that she is due in December. And, based on the Patriots first two games, it looks like the proud father won't have anything else on his schedule for the baby's first few months. Good for you, Gisom! You can go tiny hat shopping together with your baby every day!
4. Chris Johnson - Not a shabby stat line: 197 rushing yards, 2 TD; 87 receiving yards, 1 TD. Rushing, receiving what's the other part of offense? Oh, right passing. If only he could do that, too, the Titans might be half-decent.
5. Shannon Sharpe - He was inducted into the Denver Broncos Ring of Fame. Which, according to this picture, is some sort of Hall of Fame for horses. Congratulations, you pass-catching thoroughbred!
1. Jerry Jones - He got more than 100,000 people to the opener of the new Cowboys stadium. That's a good thing. But it was kind of like throwing a party for all of your friends and family and then having your wife get drunk and make out with a neighbor in front of everyone. Now everyone you know has first-hand knowledge that your wife's a whore. And now 100,000 people have first-hand knowledge that the Cowboys aren't very good.
2. Green Bay Packers - Not only did they lose at home to the Bengals the Bengals!! but they allowed Chad Ochocinco to do the Lambeau Leap into their stands. Unacceptable. Sure, you can say it wasn't Packers fans who allowed it to happen, it was Bengals fans in the first row. But this is where Packers fans screwed up. This is where they let their kindly, Midwestern nature get the best of them. In a city like Philadelphia or New York, local fans with some street smarts would have dressed up like Bengals fans as a trap. And, then, when Ochocinco saw them and jumped up at them they would have shivved him in the stomach.
3. Jeff Feagles and Mat McBriar - Really? You couldn't punt one ball off of the Cowboys stadium video screens? Why do you think I stayed up so late watching that stupid game? To stare at Eli Manning's face all night? What you don't have the leg to kick it that high? You two are pussies. Even for punters.
4. NFL officials - No horrific throwback outfits this week. Therefore, nothing to distract us from their suckery.
5. Jake Delhomme - Delhomme after Carolina's 28-20 loss to the Falcons:"It couldn't be any worse than last week. I felt good out there today. Last week, I put too much pressure on myself. This week, I got back to being just plain Jake." Plain Jake, huh? Well, unfortunately, even with Plain Jake the Panthers still lost and Plain Jake threw a costly interception in the final minutes of the game. You know, this Plain Jake reminds me a lot of Simple Jack.
The New York Jets won the franchise's second Super Bowl on Sunday, topping the New England Patriots 16-9 in Week 2 NFL action.
"I told these guys that if they don't limit themselves and set their goals high, they can accomplish anything," said Jets head coach Rex Ryan. "But even I didn't really believe we could win the Super Bowl this year. Not in September."
The victory means rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez, playing just his second regular season game, has now won a Super Bowl quicker than any other quarterback in league history.
"This is an amazing feeling," said Sanchez. "And it all happened so fast. It seemed like just weeks ago we were at camp, and now we're celebrating our Super Bowl win. I don't even know what to do next. I guess take a few weeks off and then start getting ready for next season."
Jets officials say they are working with New York City and New Jersey officials to help schedule a parade for the team later this week.
"There's no plan in place right now. This was kind of unexpected," said New York mayor Michael Bloomberg. "But we had a huge turnout for the Giants parade two years ago and we expect even more for the Jets parade because the weather is so much warmer."
While the Jets are celebrating their Super Bowl win, the Patriots are trying to put their performance behind them.
"We have to treat this loss as though it was just any other game," said head coach Bill Belichick. "Because it was. We have 14 more regular season games, then three weeks of playoffs and then, if we're fortunate, the Super Bowl."
The loss to the Jets dropped Belichick's career record in Super Bowls he knows about to 3-1 and Super Bowls he is unaware he is playing in to 34-2.
1:00 p.m. ET
Houston at Tennessee (-6.5)
The Texans were the chic pick to go the playoffs this season, but then they went out on Week 1 and got routed at home by the Jets. Not surprising, because here's one thing that I know: most chic's know nothing about football. And another thing I know? Guys often aren't good at spelling.
My pick: Houston
Minnesota at Detroit (+10)
Did you see Adrian Peterson's stiff arm last week? Awesome. And he's not the only guy on the Vikings who can do that. When Brett Favre's rigor mortis sets in, he'll have two stiff arms.
My pick: Minnesota
Carolina at Atlanta (-6)
Jake Delhomme has 11 turnovers over his last seven quarters of play. However, it's all about context. If he was an NBA point guard instead of an NFL quarterback, that stat would make him merely bad instead of just mind-bogglingly awful.
My pick: Carolina
St. Louis at Washington (-9.5)
I'd say that that 99-percent of the time, Vegas sets lines where they think they can get the most action. But a few times a year they set a line to send a mocking message to a team. In this case it's: "Ha-ha! We think you're almost 10 points worse than the Washington Redskins." Ouch. Low blow, Vegas.
My pick: Washington
New England at New York Jets (+3.5)
The Jets sure seem pretty cocky over beating the Texans. They might want to learn their history. 173 years after The Alamo, Mexico is still pretty much a total sh!thole. In fact, you could call it the Jets of countries.
My pick: New England***
Oakland at Kansas City (-3)
Both teams showed some promise in Week 1. The Raiders narrowly lost to the Chargers and the Chiefs hung in tight with the Ravens on the road. Unfortunately, we all know they're still both going to suck. Have you ever seen a cute kid who has really ugly parents? You know the final outcome. The kid is going to be just as ghastly. He's just going through a brief phase of un-ugliness.
My pick: Oakland (and to win)
Cincinnati at Green Bay (-9)
I can't really say I'm all that high on Green Bay considering they barely won a game at home in which Jay Cutler threw four interceptions. They'll have to play better this week to win. Or, they can play worse and just wait until the final minutes for the Bengals to hand the game over to them in some hilarious manner. Personally, I prefer the latter.
New Orleans at Philadelphia (+1)
Kevin Kolb is likely going to start at quarterback this week for the Eagles. And for your information, despite the spelling of his last name, it's actually pronounced ahh, who cares, right? He's never going to play in an NFL game again. Why waste the brain space remembering this person's name.
My pick: New Orleans
Arizona at Jacksonville (-3)
Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver said this week that his team will consider drafting Tim Tebow. That can't feel like a vote of confidence for Jaguars quarterback David Garrard. I'm sorry did I write Jaguars quarterback David Garrard? I meant Jaguars tight end Mercedes Lewis.
My pick: Arizona (and to win)***
4:05 p.m. ET
Tampa Bay at Buffalo (-5)
A loss like last week's Buffalo loss will take years off of a coach's life. Lucky for the Bills, Dick Jauron already is dead and appears to be some sort of mobile corpse. So those kind of losses don't really affect him.
My pick: Buffalo
Seattle at San Francisco (-1.5)
The 49ers open their schedule with back-to-back NFC West games. What a joke. Even a Big Ten team would think that's too easy.
My pick: Seattle (and to win)***
4:15 p.m. ET
Pittsburgh at Chicago (+3)
Well, if Troy Polamalu wasn't injured last week, he probably would have been this week. Returning five or six interceptions will do a number on your hamstrings.
My pick: Pittsburgh (and to win)***
Baltimore at San Diego (-3)
I tend to be tougher on Ray Lewis than most most notably: the federal justice system but it was pretty obvious last week that the guy has lost a step. He's going to need a longer knife for future stabbings so he can get more of a head start when fleeing the scene.
My pick: San Diego
Cleveland at Denver (-3)
Sorry. I take it back, San Francisco. Denver opens with both Ohio teams. They must have a former SEC official scheduling their games.
My pick: Denver***
8:20 p.m. ET
New York Giants at Dallas (-2.5)
The big question here isn't whether a punt will hit the scoreboard, it's whether an Eli Manning overthrow on a 5-yard screen pass can hit the scoreboard. (I say: yes.)
My pick: Dallas
Indianapolis at Miami (+3)
With Chad Pennington's opening week struggles, the Dolphins should let team owner Serena Williams do the gameplan: "RUN THE BALL DOWN THEIR FKING THROATS!"
My pick: Indianapolis
Second down and 10 at the 13.Orton in the gun, Buckhalter right next to him.Orton pumps again.To the sideline… Batted uppp…
AAAAAHHHHRGGGHHIIIYYYYYOOOWWWWW!!!!AHHHHHH!!!! STOKLEY!DOWWWWW THAH SYLAHHHHHHH!!!CAHHH DAY KETCHUP?! STOKLEY!WAHHHHHHHH!!!!TOUCHDAHHHHH!!!!!
I’m sorry.But that was amazing!Can someone get me some water?
(is handed a bottle of Deer Park)
AAAAAHHHHRGGGHHIIIYYYYYOOOWWWWW!!!!OMIGAHHHH!!!ISSAH DEER POWWWWW?!!!
BURBLOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!DID EW SEEEE TAHH?!!BURGEN FLURGEN ZIMA KURRROOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Whoa.Apologies.Sometimes, I get a little overexcited there.Let’s just go to the next kickoff, shall we?Prater lines up to kick… approaches the tee…
AWURGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!DID EW SEE HAW HIGH THA BAW WHEN?!!!AAAHHHHHDFKJGHER;G KLVEHKG;DSF;CGSDG;!!!!!!!!
(vomits out own digestive tract)
Again, got a little overheated.My doctor says I have high blood pressure.But my therapist says it’s good to let my feelings out, so there’s a real conflict there.Does anyone have a cracker?I used a lot of energy during that call.
(is handed a Wheat Thin)
HOLY MOLAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!WOW!EES THAHH DAHH MULTIGRAINOOWWWW???KIRBY ERBY DOOBIE BROTHERS VEREVREGHREGHMGREHGRHG!!!!!
(collapses upon self, becomes white dwarf star)
September 18, 2009 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @sonofbum AKA Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips
Perhaps you watched Jake Delhomme's Week 1 performance against the Philadelphia Eagles on television. Unfortunately for Panthers receiver Steve Smith, he had to experience it firsthand.
Fast-forward to about the 2:15 mark
Really, Delhomme? The only problem with it was that it was "too high"? That excuse didn't fly for Cleveland Indians fans in Major League and it doesn't work for you either.
Oh, and the rest of us don't know you personally like Steve Smith. So we don't know if you're a nice person. We just know you has a comically inept quarterback. That is how we will always think of you. Sorry about that.
(Hat tip for the video: Hot Clicks.)
A day after Jacksonville Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver said his team will consider drafting Tim Tebow this year to invigorate the franchise's flagging fanbase, the Florida Gators quarterbacked reacted strongly.
"I am a big fan or murder. I do it a lot myself, in fact," said Tebow during a press conference broadcast only to the Jacksonville area. "I also enjoy interceptions. Many times I throw a football wildly into a playground, striking a child in the head and killing it. This hobby of mine combines my two great loves: murder and inaccurate passing."
Then Tebow really tried to show the Jaguars he's not the person they think he is and said the the first curse word of his life: "Farts!" he yelled. "Gosh golly farts! If I was an NFL team, I wouldn't draft me. I'm too big of a risk. Farts!"
At the same time Tebow was holding his Jacksonville-targeted press conference, representatives of the quarterback were contacting NFL front offices to inform them that his comments were merely a ploy to have the Jaguars lose interest in his services.
"Most of the teams I spoke to told me that this actually improves their impression of Tim," said Tebow's mother, Pam. "They want players who want to play for winners. They said anyone who doesn't want to play for the Jaguars is their kind of player."
Tebow said he thinks his press conference will be successful in keeping him away from Jacksonville. But he also admits he may have gone too far.
"Cursing felt so good," said Tebow. "I've been waiting my whole life to do something naughty. Farts! And now I have. Farts! And it feels amazing. Farts! Farts! Farts!"
The Gators star says he is fighting the urge to go to a nearby playground and throw a pass into a bunch of kids.
"I don't want to kill one," he said. "Just maybe make one of them cry. Maybe some blood. I think it would be fun. I'm just on such a high from doing something bad. I feel so free! Flatulence!"
The Detroit Lions welcomed back a familiar face to the locker room today as star running back Barry Sanders reported to practice after a 10-year hiatus.
“I feel like the time is right,” said Sanders. “It’s been 10 years. Maybe I left too early before. But I feel rested and rejuvenated. A whole decade’s worth or rest and rejuvenation. I am ready to play again.”
But while the Lions waited for years for Sanders to return and rescue the moribund franchise, some in the organization worry the all-time great, now 41, may have lost a step since last playing in 1998.
“He left at the top of his game,” said Lions head coach Jim Schwartz. “There was a whole lot left in the tank. But maybe the gas has gone bad. Or maybe the bottom of the tank has rusted out. Or perhaps other parts of the car have gone bad. Like perhaps the tires. Or the brakes. Or the engine. Okay, I’ll stop with the analogy. What I’m saying is that Barry Sanders is very, very old.”
Despite Schwartz's concerns about Sanders, general manager Martin Mayhew says Sanders is welcome back with open arms.
“Have you seen our team? I can’t name more than five guys on our roster – and I helped sign or draft almost all of them,” he said. “Hell yes Barry Sanders is back on our team. In fact, he will start this week. We don’t really have any other options. Kevin somebody is playing now. He went to some crap college I never heard of. Barry is definitely our guy. I think he can be as good as before. If he's feeling fresh he might get some time at safety, too.”
Sanders says he just wants to get back out on the field and play football again.
“I’m going to strap on my L.A. Gears, get some C+C Music Factory pumping in my Sony CD Walkman and go to work,” he said. “I just hope we play the Oilers this year. I always did well against them.”
Picture Sexual NFL Screenshot
He's down to touch.