We all know the scores. But who really won and lost this week?
1. Joe Namath - Mark Sanchez keeps getting compared to you. Here's the only thing: Mark Sanchez appears to be good, whereas you pretty much sucked except for that one year you got drunk and guaranteed a Super Bowl victory. Look at your career win-loss record: 62-63-4. Career completion percentage: 50.1. Career touchdowns to interceptions: 173 to 220. If Mark Sanchez truly is the "next Joe Namath," as everyone is saying, the Jets should just go ahead and cut him now. Or, Joe Namath, you could keep encouraging this comparison, because you're the one benefitting from it. No crap quarterback has had his legacy edited so greatly since Olivia Manning squeezed out a couple of misproportioned Super Bowl-winning quarterbacks.
2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- After scoring on a six-yard run in the first quarter against the Buccaneers, Giants RB Brandon Jacobs pointed at the Tampa Bay sideline and then simulated having sex with the ball. I don't know if any of the Tampa Bay players are gay, but it's still probably flattering to know that Brandon Jacobs wants to do it with them.
3. Terrell Owens No catches for the first time in 185 games. Who cares. When you respond to Rodney Harrison criticizing you on NBC by calling him out for being a 'roid head, you are a winner.
4. Jim Zorn - He lost to the Lions. So what? He's going to get fired. So what? Jim Zorn has become immortal. ZORN is the new ZING, at least when it comes to football. Want to deliver a one-liner about your friend's favorite team? Emphasize it with a ZORN! "Hey, Jeff, Cedric Benson barreled through there like a runaway boat. ZORN!" Vince Lombardi won't live on like this. ZORN makes people laugh. You yell out LOMBARDI and people are going to think you want them to run laps. Advantage: Jim Zorn.
5. Detroit Lions fans Look who was kind enough to sign autographs before the game! Why, it's Mr. Tom Cruise! A real celebrity! In Detroit! Not like one of those fake non-celebrities like Kid Rock. Pretty cool. Here he is writing to the kid in the Lions jersey: "Kid, I don't believe in mental illnesses. So what's with willfully wearing a Lions jersey? Not that Morgan Freeman over here in the Redskins jersey is any better. You need to cleanse your phaeton. Weirdly, Tom Cruise."
1. Poor people Ha-ha, poor people, you still are and remain LOSERS! Especially those of you in poverty in Detroit. Your football team won its first game since 2007 and did you see it? NO! YOU DIDN'T! Why? Because the game was blacked-out on television in Detroit because you didn't sell out the game. Why are you, the unemployed people of Detroit, not buying $100 tickets to watch an NFL team with a 19-game losing streak??? What is wrong with you people? Do you not know that Roger Goodell is trying to motivate you to stop being so poor! Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps! Or sell your bootstraps to get money for a ticket! What is wrong with you people???? I'll tell you what's wrong with you: you're POOR. And that makes you a LOSER!
2. Cleveland Browns Only one offensive touchdown in the past nine games. That is almost impossible to comprehend. And thanks to his benching yesterday, the Brady Quinn Era appears to be over in Cleveland. Please pop your collars at half mast in memoriam.
3. Buffalo Bills Congrats, thanks to a 25-yard touchdown pass in the second quarter that knotted the game with the Saints at 7-7, it appears you have finally found your quarterback of the future. Unfortunately, it was your punter who threw the pass. Still, though: best option.
4. Brett Favre Good pass. Too bad everyone still hates you.
5. Seattle Seahawks Nice costumes. No wonder the Northwest is full of so many crackpots. I'd want to join a militia and shoot the people responsible for this, too.
After selling more than 30,000 “Party Passes” for $29 to help set the NFL’s single-game attendance record on opening night, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced today that the team will now offer special $20 home passes to anyone who would like to attend a game at Cowboys Stadium while sitting at home.
“This stadium represents the next generation of sports entertainment complexes,” said Jones in a radio interview.“We know there’s a real buzz about this place across the Dallas area now, so we want as many people to be able to enjoy this new facility as possible.Even if they can’t afford a premium seat, or even a Party Pass.This $20 price point is a great way to come visit Cowboys Stadium by looking at it on television.”
Customers living in Dallas who purchase the home passes will be able to watch the entire stadium at home via a special relay signal from their local FOX affiliate, and will be able to walk the stadium grounds by watching a FOX camera crew walk the stadium grounds.“That way,” explained Jones, “you’re as close to the action as possible.You’re gonna see the natural light coming in from the sides, the steel trusses… everything.We’re gonna give you your money’s worth, that’s for damn sure.”
But the passes do come with certain restrictions.Customers parking at the Cowboys Stadium lot to go watch the game at home will pay a separate $75 fee.Customers who purchase the home passes will also not be allowed to access any of the stadiums concierge-level stadium clubs, bathrooms, or concession stands.Nor are they allowed into the stadium itself.
For an extra $10, customers who purchase the home passes can also get a special Video Board Pass, that allows them to watch the entire game on the Stadium’s now legendary video board via their home television.
“Oh, it’s incredible,” said Video Board Pass test customer Mary Lynch.“You would not believe how big this screen was.And it was so clear!It’s not like watching the game on a regular television thru a regular television.You have to see it in person on television to understand.”
And for a flat $500 fee, customers can also elect to subscribe to Jones’ new Cowboys Stadium Network cable channel, which runs a live feed of the outside of the stadium 24 hours a day.
Subscriber David Hammond was impressed.“I’ll be damned if Jerry didn’t pull it off,” he said.“Look at that thing.It is gorgeous.And only $500 for a whole year for a season pass?Not a bad price for a working class guy like me.”
“We really wanted to take the fan experience to the next level, “ says Jones.“What you’re seeing here is the perfect blend of stadium and technology.We have to give people more of a reason to come to the games now, even if they don’t want to physically do so.These home passes are the perfect solution.”
1:00 p.m. ET
Washington at Detroit (+6)
It seems every sportswriter is picking the Lions to win this game. Well, I would definitely not hope for such a thing. If the Lions finally win a game, who am I going to make fun of whenever I'm in a jam for material? I may as well just fold the site.
My pick: Washington
Green Bay at St. Louis (+6.5)
The Rams have looked absolutely horrendous in their first two games. But general manager Bill Devaney says he still has full confidence in head coach Steve Spagnuolo. Not that that's surprising. Devaney has always been a total spag hag.
My pick: Green Bay
San Francisco at Minnesota (-7)
Brett Favre could be in trouble this week going up against Mike Singletary and his giant cross. Assuming, of course, that Brett Favre is a vampire. I'm not big into vampires, but I know Favre can't be killed and that he's disgustingly pale. Also, I think vampires can transform into bats and I would like to beat Brett Favre with a bat. Pretty convincing, no?
My pick: San Francisco
Atlanta at New England (-4)
Speaking of vampires, the Falcons have a chance to really drive a steak through the heart of the Patriots in this game. And, yes, I meant "steak," not "stake." Well, to be honest, I misspelled it when I first wrote it, but I'm not going to go back and fix it because I don't care for my laptop judging me. And really, wouldn't it be cooler to watch someone get a steak shoved through their heart anyway? Yes. The answer is yes.
My pick: Atlanta
Tennessee at New York Jets (-3)
Last week Rex Ryan robo-called Jets fans and told them the team needed their loud support against the Patriots. The Jets won. Also last week, Jeff Fisher robo-called Titans fans and fist-pumped into the phone. The Titans lost. Lesson learned: vigorous fist-pumping just doesn't translate well over the phone.
My pick: New York Jets
Kansas City at Philadelphia (-9)
Ha-ha, Chiefs. You are picked to lose by 9 points to a team quarterbacked by Kevin Kolb. Ohhhhhhhhh, Vegas snap!
My pick: Philadelphia***
New York Giants at Tampa Bay (+6.5)
Tampa Bay's only hope in this game? Distract Eli Manning with their big, cartoonish pirate ship. "Ooh! Mommy, I want to play! Wheeeeee!"
My pick: New York Giants
Cleveland at Baltimore (-13)
It must suck for Cleveland to get crushed by the city that stole their team. But probably not as much as it sucks for Baltimore fans knowing that Peyton Manning now holds the Colts all-time record for touchdown passes and not Johnny Unitas. Suck it, Baltimore.
My pick: Baltimore***
Jacksonville at Houston (-3.5)
When it comes to my fantasy team, Steve Slaton has dropped his pants and crapped all over me. (You know, if you take away the word "team" from the preceding sentence, it really changes the meaning.)
My pick: Houston
4:05 p.m. ET
New Orleans at Buffalo (+6)
In an article on Friday in USA Today, Terrell Owens says he has been "unfairly criticized." I can't tell you much beyond that. Because, like most articles in USA Today, it was only two words long.
My pick: New Orleans
Chicago at Seattle (+2)
The Bears are coming off of a big win over the defending Super Bowl champions. If Jay Cutler can work through his celebration-induced hangover by Sunday evening (unlikely), I think they can make it two wins in a row.
My pick: Chicago
4:15 p.m. ET
Miami at San Diego (-6)
The Dolphins are desperate for a win after blowing Monday's night game to the Colts to fall to 0-2. If they can keep it close, I think they can win. Because late in the game you can always count on Norv Turner doing something like running a 4-inch, 11-ounce running back up the middle on 4th-and-2.
My pick: San Diego
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (+4)
The Bengals could easily be 2-0. And the Steelers could be 0-2. Or the Bengals could be 0-2 and the Steelers could be 2-0. Or, the final option: they both could be 1-1, as they currently are. Yay! Number permutations are fun! Tune in next week when we can do it all the way up to three! Awesome.
My pick: Pittsburgh
Denver at Oakland (+2)
JaMarcus Russell was 7-for-24 last week for 109 yards. And the Raiders won the game. For the season, he is 19-for-52 a .352 percentage. If you fold the American Football Conference into the American League, Russell is currently 19 points below Joe Mauer.
My pick: Denver
8:20 p.m. ET
Indianapolis at Arizona (-2.5)
On the flip side, Kurt Warner was 27-for-29 last week. And the two he missed were just throwaways to Jesus as a tithe.
My pick: Arizona
Carolina at Dallas (-8.5)
Jake Delhomme. Tony Romo. In primetime. With the whole nation watching. Brilliant bit of scheduling by ESPN. Think of all the ad dollars they'll bring in every time they go to commercial when a turnover causes a change of possession.
My pick: Carolina
September 25, 2009 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @OGOchoCincoAKA Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco
Jacksonville Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver announced today that his team will wear a new blue and orange alternate jersey for the remainder of the season. Each jersey will also have the number 15 on it and the name "TEBOW" on the back.
"Many teams do throwback jerseys," said Weaver. "But our franchise hasn't been around very long. Our jersey is the same. I'm kind of looking at this as the first throw-ahead jersey. Well, hopefully."
As the Jaguars continue to fail to draw fans to their home games or generate much interest at all in north Florida, Weaver has recently expressed a desire to draft the Florida Gators star in a move he hopes will create a fan base for his team.
Current Jaguars quarterback David Garrard says he is not surprised by the move to the alternate Tebow jerseys.
"Wayne has been on this big Tebow push for weeks," says Garrard. "He'll call me at all hours of the day and say: 'Hey, David. What do you think about playing quarterback a bit more Tebow-y?' And I'll ask him what he means by 'Tebow-y.' And he says: 'You know awesome.'"
While reaction to the new jersey among Jaguars players is mixed, at best, Weaver says he has already noticed a huge increase in ticket sales for the next home game.
"We got three calls for single-game tickets before lunch today," he said. "One time, our receptionist even had to put someone on hold! That's never happened for us before. I'm even considering getting a second phone line in our ticket sales department."
Jacksonville's opponents also expect a noticeable change.
"I told my team that they don't look very good on film," said Gary Kubiak, head coach of the Texans, Jacksonville's next opponent. "But when they all take the field in those Tebow jerseys, they're going to be very intimidating. And they'll have God on their side, too."
Garrard, who says he realizes his days are probably numbered in Jacksonville, will try to be a good employee and grant his boss' wishes to play more "Tebow-y."
"I guess it can't hurt, you know?" says Garrard. "Tebow does win. But I'm not, under any circumstances, doing that jump-pass thing of his. That is beyond gay. I do have some self-respect."
ADD: Mario Manningham, WR, Giants The Giants have been searching for a suitable replacement for Plaxico Burress and they may have finally found one. Manningham, a second-year receiver out of Michigan, caught 10 passes for 150 yards and a touchdown on Sunday night in New York's win at Dallas. Of course, don't expect Manningham to be a carbon copy of Burress. At 5-11, 183 pounds, Manningham is six inches and nearly 50 pounds lighter than Burress. That means he'll score fewer touchdowns in the red zone. It also means, with his slight frame, that when he shoots himself in the leg, it could blow his leg clean off instead of just giving him a minor flesh wound. Don't fool yourself: Manningham is a high-risk, high-reward pickup. He'll put up some stats for now. But he may be on a peg leg by November.
We all know the scores. But who really won and lost this week?
1. Tony Romo - Ha! And people said Tony Romo always stinks in December and January. Idiots! Tony Romo stinks all the time.
2. Eric Mangini - Once again, he has successfully hid an injury from the NFL, as it is now quite obvious that the majority of the Cleveland Browns roster is afflicted with serious mental and physical handicaps.
3. Tom Brady - Gisele confirmed last week that she is due in December. And, based on the Patriots first two games, it looks like the proud father won't have anything else on his schedule for the baby's first few months. Good for you, Gisom! You can go tiny hat shopping together with your baby every day!
4. Chris Johnson - Not a shabby stat line: 197 rushing yards, 2 TD; 87 receiving yards, 1 TD. Rushing, receiving what's the other part of offense? Oh, right passing. If only he could do that, too, the Titans might be half-decent.
5. Shannon Sharpe - He was inducted into the Denver Broncos Ring of Fame. Which, according to this picture, is some sort of Hall of Fame for horses. Congratulations, you pass-catching thoroughbred!
1. Jerry Jones - He got more than 100,000 people to the opener of the new Cowboys stadium. That's a good thing. But it was kind of like throwing a party for all of your friends and family and then having your wife get drunk and make out with a neighbor in front of everyone. Now everyone you know has first-hand knowledge that your wife's a whore. And now 100,000 people have first-hand knowledge that the Cowboys aren't very good.
2. Green Bay Packers - Not only did they lose at home to the Bengals the Bengals!! but they allowed Chad Ochocinco to do the Lambeau Leap into their stands. Unacceptable. Sure, you can say it wasn't Packers fans who allowed it to happen, it was Bengals fans in the first row. But this is where Packers fans screwed up. This is where they let their kindly, Midwestern nature get the best of them. In a city like Philadelphia or New York, local fans with some street smarts would have dressed up like Bengals fans as a trap. And, then, when Ochocinco saw them and jumped up at them they would have shivved him in the stomach.
3. Jeff Feagles and Mat McBriar - Really? You couldn't punt one ball off of the Cowboys stadium video screens? Why do you think I stayed up so late watching that stupid game? To stare at Eli Manning's face all night? What you don't have the leg to kick it that high? You two are pussies. Even for punters.
4. NFL officials - No horrific throwback outfits this week. Therefore, nothing to distract us from their suckery.
5. Jake Delhomme - Delhomme after Carolina's 28-20 loss to the Falcons:"It couldn't be any worse than last week. I felt good out there today. Last week, I put too much pressure on myself. This week, I got back to being just plain Jake." Plain Jake, huh? Well, unfortunately, even with Plain Jake the Panthers still lost and Plain Jake threw a costly interception in the final minutes of the game. You know, this Plain Jake reminds me a lot of Simple Jack.