Picture Huge XFL Player
Ever wonder why the XFL didn't succeed? Well besides this it was just a really stupid idea.
Dallas Cowboys head coach Wade Phillips has long been regarded as a coach who gets along well with his players.
“I’m a players’ coach,” he said. “I take that as a compliment. I like my players and they like me. That’s why I’m excited to take our relationship to a whole new level when I am no longer their coach after the season following my inevitable firing.”
Cowboys players say they are excited to become real friends with Phillips.
“We all like him, but he’s still our boss. He’s still in charge of us, you know?” said linebacker DeMarcus Ware. “You can’t be real friends in such a relationship. But when Jerry Jones fires him after our last game, I think I’ll invite him over for a barbecue or something.”
Former Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens says Phillips always had the exact demeanor he looks for in a true friend.
“He let me say and do whatever I wanted,” said Owens. “If I complained I wasn't getting the ball enough, he made sure I got the ball, even at the expense of the team. He has absolutely no backbone. That’s the kind of friend who will do anything – go to a club, watch a movie – even if it’s a club they don’t want to go to, or a movie they have already seen and hate. That’s the kind of friend I need and want. I'm glad he'll soon be jobless and able to hang out with me.”
Despite assumptions to the contrary, Phillips’ “players’ coach” persona will not factor into his dismissal.
“I knew he was a players’ coach when I hired him,” said team owner Jerry Jones. “That's not a problem. The problem is that he's not an owner’s coach -– meaning he sucks at the job he was hired by the owner to do, which was to win games. But, sure, if that fat, useless turd wants to be pals after this season is over, I’m fine with it. We can go to lunch or something. He can name the place. I just want him anywhere but on the sidelines. I'll take him to the best buffet in Texas.”
Redskins head coach Jim Zorn was “alarmed”this morning when he walked into his office at Fedex Field and found former Broncos coach Mike Shanahan sitting behind his desk. Shanahan was accompanied by owner Daniel Snyder, who told Zorn he was “just giving him a tour.”
“Wow, that was weird,” Zorn told reporters afterward. “I walk into my office, and there’s Mike Shanahan sitting there, his hands folded behind his head, looking around. Then he was measuring the wall space, opening and closing drawers, inspecting the bathroom. And Mr. Snyder is standing there with him telling him to take all the time he needs. Then he sees me and says, ‘Oh Jim! I didn’t expect you so early! I was just giving Mike the, uh, tour. He’s a big Redskins fan.”
Shanahan then asked Zorn a series of questions that led Zorn to believe he would soon be moving into his office.
“He asked me if it gets drafty during the winter,” said Zorn. “Then he asked me if I was going to be taking the desk with me if I leave. Then he said he really liked all the wall space and that it would be a great place to hang photos of the 1998 Super Bowl if, hypothetically speaking, a person with a framed collection of such photos were inclined to hang them in his office. I don’t know. It sure seems like he’s planning to take my job. Or am I just being paranoid because we've been struggling?”
Shanahan then asked Snyder if it would be possibly to knock down one of the walls and expand the office so one could put a treadmill and exercise bike there if one were so inclined, hypothetically speaking. Snyder replied in the affirmative.
Zorn then asked if the two men could leave so he could begin his work for the day.
“When I asked them to leave, Mr. Snyder shot me this angry look like I was embarrassing him in front of company or something,” Zorn recalled. “But Mike was like ‘Oh, sure, we were just wrapping up.’ Then he asked me if he could leave something on my desk. It was a name plate with his name on it. He was like ‘I don’t feel like lugging this around with me anymore. Can I leave it on your desk for now? Thanks.’ Then he just knocked my name plate onto the floor and put his in its place.”
“So what do you think?” he added. “Am I reading too much into this or what?”
Later, Zorn went out to his car and found Mike Shanahan’s name painted over his in the head coach’s parking space, a discrepancy Daniel Snyder explained as “probably just some teen vandals having a little fun.”
Shanahan, when reached for comment, said he had no interest in the Redskins job and had not been in contact with Daniel Snyder.
Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre announced today that longtime NFL linebacker Junior Seau is unretiring again to play for the New England Patriots. Favre made the announcement at a press conference held minutes after the quarterback heard the news on ESPN.
"This wasn't an easy decision for me," said Favre. "I thought long and hard about it and consulted my family. But in the end I realized that I love having press conferences and want to take any opportunity I can to get my face and name on television."
Seau retired from the San Diego Chargers in 2006 only to suit up with the Patriots that season. He came out of retirement again last year to play for New England.
"Junior keeps unretiring, but I'm the one who does that the most. Let's make that clear," said Favre. "When you talk about unretiring athletes, always mention my name first. That's the point of why I asked you all hear today. Don't let him bump me out of the press. And I'm at least playing full seasons. Junior isn't. And I'm 40. He's not. Oh? He is? Dangit. Well, I'm a gunslinger. What is he a tackleslinger? That's not a thing."
With his Seau press conference at a close, Favre then began taking press conference requests from the gathered media.
"Do any of you need me to announce anything for you? An engagement? A car that's for sale? Anything at all?" said Favre. "I'd be happy to. Just make sure my name is in the headline."
Peter King of Sports Illustrated said this is the sort of things that makes the media so enamored with Favre.
"He held a press conference just to announce that they were out of dulce de leche coffee creamer in the media room," said King. "And he did it for me out of the goodness of his heart and for no other reason other than his heart's all-consuming desire for attention, as well as a promise from me that I would stroke him in my column for the remainder of the season. And I will. The creamer was refilled!"
AVOID: Chad Henne, QB, Dolphins Since replacing the injured Chad Pennington as Dolphins starter, the second-year quarterback from Michigan is 2-0 and put up big numbers on Monday Night Football against the (formerly?) tough New York Jets defense. Should you pick him up? No. Well, sure. Whatever. Do what you want. Is he a viable option as your backup quarterback? Definitely. But the bye weeks will be gone soon. If you are seriously considering Henne as your starting quarterback, your season has probably already been lost.
Now, in a keeper league? Yes. You should use a waiver pick on him. He many develop into a top-tier quarterback.
Played at Michigan? Check.
Not drafted in the first round? Check.
Basically, what I'm saying is that Chad Henne could be the next Tom Brady. All the signs are there. So consider picking him up in your keeper league. You never know, one season the Dolphins could acquire Randy Moss, get a ridiculously easy schedule and perfect storm a total fluke of a year could occur in which he throws 50 touchdown passes and is actually a legitimate No. 1 fantasy quarterback for four months.
That probably won't happen. And if it does, he'll quickly revert back to a slightly above average fantasy quarterback. But it's probably worth the gamble of one waiver choice.
Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh submitted a formal bid today to purchase St. Louis Ram running back Steven Jackson.Officials close to the deal estimate Limbaugh’s bid at roughly $30 million.
“I’m well aware that the nattering nancies in the league office don’t want me owning an entire team, lest the poor liberals be offended that a self-made man actually decide to buy something in this country,” Limbaugh said on his radio show this morning.“Well, that’s fine with me.Because I didn’t want the team anyway.I just wanted to own a player.I wanted to own a man, whom I could treat as everyday chattel.And now, at last, I shall.”
Anonymous sources within the Rams organization are unsure as to what Limbaugh plans to do with Jackson once the deal gets final league approval.
“The word ‘gardening’ was used in the RFP, which definitely set off a few alarms,” said one official.
But Limbaugh quickly brushed aside any concerns about the legality or ethical concerns over the deal.
“Folks, they are coming after me,” said Limbaugh.“I’m sure the ACLU already has a big ol’ petition ready to go the league office over this.And you know why?Because, folks, these people are enemies of freedom.They don’t want to live in the America you or I know.They want to live in an America where hard working folks like you and me are denied the basic freedom to purchase a man and do with him as we please.That’s not part of their AGENDA.They think it’s so BADDDD.I keep telling you this.They are trying to imprison us all.”
When asked by reporters if purchasing a black man might come across as racist, Limbaugh quickly defended his actions.“I am NOT a racist.Mr. Snerdly, who is black, provides hilarious voices for my show each and every day.He’s never had a problem with anything I’ve ever said or done.Nor was he upset when I bought him and his family for $50,000 and sold his children off to a plantation owner in Georgia.Isn’t that right, Mr. Snerdly?”
After receiving permission from Limbaugh, Mr. Snerdly nodded in agreement.
“I am buying Mr. Jackson because I am a huge football fan.This has nothing to do with politics or my political leanings.I just like the idea of owning a big, strong, untamed man, and perhaps saddling him with a wooden yoke and making him carry buckets of water to and from my home as needed.”
Steven Jackson was unavailable for comment.
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The Madden Curse has been lifted!
1. NFL officials It was near freezing in Denver and windy. Yet the officials still didn't call Mother Nature for roughing Tom Brady. I am shocked, impressed and pleased.
2. JaMarcus Russell, QB, Raiders He always gets blamed for making the Raiders lose. But this week they were already down 28-0 before he made his first of three fumbles. Congrats, JaMarcus!
3. Derek Anderson, QB, Browns He was 2-for-17 for 23 yards and one interception. His leading receiver had one catch for 16 yards. His second-leading (and last) receiver had one catch for seven yards. Derek Anderson proved that looks don't always equal results. It's going to take a long session at the salon for Brady Quinn to sort through his thoughts on this one.
4. Baltimore Ravens They've lost two in a row. They're next seven games are: at Minnesota, vs. Denver, at Cincinnati, at Cleveland, vs. Indianapolis, vs. Pittsburgh, at Green Bay. They'll be the underdog in at least four of those games, and possibly six of the seven. It's good this team loves playing the disrespected underdog card because the standings could soon get very disrespectful to them.
5. Minnesota Vikings They're 5-0. Brett Favre continues to limit his mistakes. They're staying healthy. And now they don't even have to charter boats to have their desires fulfilled.
1. Brad St. Louis, LS, Bengals St. Louis is a long-snapper who just so happens to have a major issue with snapping the football anywhere near the holder. But don't worry, Mr. St. Louis. This is not a huge problem. There are plenty of other career options for long-snappers who are unable to hurl things through their legs with any accuracy. Jobs such as hmm. Umm do rich, movie dogs ever hire people to cover over their poop?
2. San Francisco 49ers The 49ers lost 45-10 at home to the Falcons. But that's not the bad part. The bad part is that they were trailing 35-0 at the half and that Mike Singletary has been an NFL head coach for a year now. You know the time commitment that takes. You know the strain it puts on coaches' bodies, on their waistbands. Which is to say: when Singletary dropped is pants at halftime, the 49ers probably were forced to look at one very flabby set of buttocks.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers defense Without Troy Polamalu, the Steelers' defense is a sieve in the fourth quarter. First quarter: Steel Curtain. Second quarter: Steel Curtain. Third quarter: Steel Curtain. Fourth quarter: Meat Curtain.
4. Denver Broncos How about not letting Kyle Orton do your uniform shopping anymore after a night out on the town?
5. Breast cancer Ed Hochuli wore pink wristbands yesterday. Methinks breast cancer is about to get choked out by Eddie Guns' biceps. Without blood flow, those cancerous cells will die. DIE!
Owen Schmitt, Seattle Seahawks:
1. He wanted to remind the Jaguars that he's a human being, a real man a gentle soul who bleeds real blood. So, please, take it easy on him out there.
2. He's taunting the rest of America by showing us the NFL's health care program is so awesome you can even purposely injure yourself and not worry.
3. Damn mosquitos! They're everywhere! DIE! DIE! DIE!
4. It just seemed like the kind of thing a fullback from West Virginia with a mohawk named Owen Schmitt should do.
5. All the SNL-inspired Schmitt's Gay jokes get tiresome after 18 years.
6. He's trying to erase the memory of these jerseys.
The Denver Broncos sported throwback jerseys from their inaugural season in 1960. Their opponent, the New England Patriots, also wore old uniforms from their AFL days. Even the officials and team media personnel were in period garb. Yet the cost of things at Invesco Field did not hearken back to the old days. In fact, they seemed to come from some futuristic, hopeless world in which hyper-inflation had spiraled out of control.
"I paid $9.25 for one beer," said Broncos fan Jack Whitelock. "My dad says you could get season tickets for the upper deck for that much back in 1960."
"Worst attempt at recreating history I have ever seen," said Broncos fan Roger Wiltmore. "Colonial Williamsburg kicks this game's ass. I don't recall Jay-Z being played during timeouts in 1960. Nor do I recall there being nachos in 1960. Nor do I recall paying $6.75 for said nachos. My granddaughter in third grade did a diorama of the signing of the Declaration of Independence that was more accurate than what I just saw."
While fans were disappointed at having to pay $62.50 for tickets to see a single game, in addition to $10 for parking "My entire monthly car payment was $10 back in 1960," said one enraged fan the players were also upset about their role in the festivities.
"This has to be the No. 1 priority in our next collective bargaining agreement," said wide receiver Brandon Marshall. "No more making us dress up like clowns so the NFL can make money off of it. We have to take pride in ourselves as a union. We have to take pride in ourselves as humans. We have to maintain our dignity."
Broncos linebacker Elvis Dumervil says that if the league is going to have throwback games, they should go all in.
"Let's play with the old-time rules, too," says Dumervil. "You should have seen how the refs were protecting Tom Brady like he's some delicate little flower. Nah. Let me punch him in the throat five seconds after he throws a pass. That's how they used to do it back in the day."
But NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says the throwback days are not created to make money on additional jersey revenue. He says they are designed to honor NFL players of the past and keep their memory alive.
"Bull crap," said 1960 Broncos lineman Eddie Holcutt. "I couldn't afford a ticket to get into the stadium. And then some guy outside was charging $125 for my own throwback jersey. My own jersey! If Goodell was commissioner back in 1960, more than his hair would be red. We'd make sure his whole face was covered in blood."