That kid plays like a kid out there! Probably because he's a kid!
And is someone yelling "KETCHUP!" after he lets go of the ball? Or maybe "CATCH 'EM"?
I can't tell.
I think I would have yelled "HOW DOES THIS KID HAVE A BETTER ARM THROWING UNDERHANDED BEHIND HIS BACK THEN A THIRD OF THE QUARTERBACKS STARTING IN THE NFL RIGHT NOW DO THROWING NORMALLY?!"
Dear Washington Redskins Fans
As you may have heard, in our ongoing efforts to improve the experience at FedEx Field, we have banned all fan signs.
But we will not stop there in our efforts to provide the best atmosphere possible.
In fact, I am pleased to announce a new measure: starting today, the scoreboard at FedEx Field is banned.
The scoreboard has been regularly putting up a low and losing score and that has created a negative atmosphere in the stadium and lessened the fan experience. We demand the best for our fans and won't let the negative attitudes of the scoreboard stand in the way. So it is being unplugged.
In addition to the ban on fan signs at FedEx Field and now the scoreboard ban, stadium security personnel will confiscate any devices that fans can use to learn the score, such as cell phones or radios. Also, the stadium's large video boards will show Redskins highlights from the 1980s and early 1990s during play.
Additionally, plain clothes team personnel will be circulating throughout the crowd to eject any fans who violate our new language policy. This includes our existing language policy with a few tweaks. I have overheard a sharp increase in the expression of the following phrases in the stadium in recent weeks, and they are all now BANNED:
"Dan Snyder is a douchebag."
"Fk Dan Snyder."
"I hope Dan Snyder dies in a fire."
"Hey, whaddaya say we all storm the owner's box and kill Dan Snyder?"
We feel these new changes will increase the enjoyment of all those in attendance at Redskins games, including me.
Also, parking at the stadium will now cost $125.
Daniel Snyder Washington Redskins, Owner
FOX is broadcasting the 2009 World Series between the New York Yankees and Philadelphia Phillies.
Here is FOX analyst Howie Long with his keys to the series.
The Washington Redskins fell to 2-5 on the season on Monday night thanks to a hard-fought, 10-point loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. And while such a record might not normally go over well in Washington, the team is earning praise for performing so well in the absence of star tight end Chris Cooley, who hasn't played the last three quarters.
Cooley suffered a broken leg on the first play of the second quarter in Monday night's game and is lost for the season.
"Every team in the NFL goes through injuries," said Redskins head coach Jim Zorn. "That's to be expected. And you have to fight through those. But when you lose a star player, sometimes they are too big to overcome. I think that's what has happened to us this year."
Quarterback Jason Campbell says he has noticed Cooley's absence from the very beginning.
"While he was on the field, yes, I just sensed it wasn't permanent, you know?" said Campbell. "That's one of the intangibles I bring to the quarterback position. That and well, that's the primary one. So I sensed he would get hurt, and therefore I didn't throw to him. I also haven't thrown the ball much to Santana Moss or Antwaan Randle-El this season. Mainly out of respect for Chris and what he's going through."
And while Cooley's is the most serious injury the Redskins have suffered this season, Zorn says other high-profile players have been fighting through debilitating injuries, as well.
"They won't admit it to me," said Zorn. "But I think it's obvious that Clinton Portis has one or two torn ACLs and maybe a ruptured Achilles. And Albert Haynesworth is dying of some kind of cardiovascular disease it seems. But they're brave enough to go out there on the field and compete, even though they look horrible and are embarrassing themselves. I admire them."
Redskins owner Daniel Snyder says he is taking into account all the bad luck in evaluating the embattled Zorn.
"Had you told me before the season that we were going to lose Chris Cooley for the year, a 2-5 start isn't half bad," said Snyder. "Coach Zorn is looking at a contract extension."
ADD: Miles Austin, WR, Cowboys Here's what we know: Roy Williams is a giant turd. So Tony Romo has to throw the ball somewhere and if he threw the ball to Jason Witten on every play, people would start to talk. So Miles Austin it is. After catching only five passes through the first four games, Austin has posted 16 catches for 421 yards and 4 touchdowns in his last two games. Huge numbers. And because he plays for the Cowboys America's Team! (That It Most Likes To Hate!) he's about to be a star.
Unfortunately, Austin is still probably going to struggles with the ladies. You see, he looks like this:
And even if there are women out there who have some sort of bestial (fishial?) attraction to piranha, Austin also has anexcessive sweat disorder. HOT!
But I digress. This isn't about Miles Austin and women. This is about men. Real men. Men who play fake football. Men like you.
So is Miles Austin a good fantasy pick up?
You better believe it.
He's not a flash in the pan?
Of course he is! He's a Dallas Cowboy. ButCowboys players usually don't completely go in the crapper until Week 16 or 17, or even sometimes in the first round of the playoffs, and by that time your fantasy season will be long over.
1. Cincinnati Bengals By crushing the Bears, they stayed tied for first in the AFC North with the Steelers and are feeling good about themselves heading into their bye week. Best of all, the Bengals treated the nation to numerous shots of Sad Cutler. Oh, and Bears, let Cedric Benson be a lesson to you: do NOT EVER cut a running back who has sucked for three years and been a locker room cancer AGAIN. What were you thinking??? Idiots!
2. JaMarcus Russell In the fourth quarter of yesterday's blowout defeat of the Raiders, Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was spotted eating a hot dog on the bench. Now you know, JaMarcus: Oakland Coliseum vendors deliver to the bench. Your NFL career is about to get a lot more enjoyable.
3. Alex Smith News flash: the former No. 1 overall pick is not dead! Really! I saw him on the field yesterday for the 49ers! I guess those reports that he had passed away inside his house of starvation, his miniature hands too small and weak to open his door to leave or dial a phone, were untrue. Huh. Also, he threw three touchdowns in the second half yesterday, all to Vernon Davis. (Who is also apparently not dead! YAY!)
4. Jake Delhomme As always, you really blew. No touchdowns, three interceptions, and a loss. At home. To the Bills! Yet, you play in a league with JaMarcus Russell, Josh Johnson, Matt Cassel, Marc Bulger and Derek Anderson. All of them had worse quarterback ratings than you did on Sunday. Plus, Brett Favre and Jay Cutler stepped forward with some high-profile suck. And with all the teams on byes this week, you almost performed in the top-half of quarterbacks! Congratulations! (Now quit. For the sake of Panthers fans. If you've ever wanted to go out on a high, this is as high as it's going to get for you.)
5. Vikings fans You were given the gift of realistic expectations. Some of you had started to think that Brett Favre had become someone other than Brett Favre. Someone who is incapable of single-handedly snatching defeat from the jaws of victory at a moment's notice and then, as victory still tries to reach back and grab his teammates and pull them to safety, mowing over victory's head. You, of course, were wrong. Brett Favre is still Brett Favre. He will always be Brett Favre. Those of us lucky enough to root for teams he has not decided to parasite his way onto count on this fact. It fills us with great joy and schadenfreude. And it's good you realized this truth about Favre now and not during a "shocking" four-interception game in the NFC Championship Game. You will now experience less heartbreak this way. So let this game serve as a reminder: Adrian Peterson is your savior, not Brett Favre. (Not that Peterson is perfect. He fumbles a lot. And yesterday he outed himself as a Gay basher.) (EDIT: Here's a better example of Peterson's homophobia.)
Oh, and for good measure, and to compliment the beautiful art above:
1. The British You sold out a game to watch the crappy Tampa Bay Buccaneers play a team named in honor of people who overthrew your government in a sport you don't like? You are more pathetic than I thought. America has many problems, but I don't think you'd see a stadium filled here for a soccer match between West Ham United and the Kabul Death-To-Americas. U-S-A. U-S-freaking-A!
2. America But let's not get too high on ourselves. The British probably aren't subjected to those DirecTV commercials in which David Spade takes a dump all over Chris Farley's grave. You're stuck there with Chris Farley, David Spade? Well, we're stuck with you alive and Chris Farley dead. So we have it worse off. By a mile.
3. Miami Dolphins Two of Chad Henne's top targets in yesterday's choke loss to the Saints: Brian Hartline and Ted Ginn, Jr. Both from Ohio State. I'm wondering at what point in a BCS title game Miami scouts thought to themselves: "Now those are the players we need on this team!"
4. breast cancer Week 7 was the last week of NFL action in October. That means next week is November and Breast Cancer Awareness Month is OVER. NFL players no longer have to pretend to care about cancer, at least not any cancers not caused by steroids.
5. Ricky Williams The game against the Saints started perfectly. You were destroying them. Just like when you played for the Saints. But then at the end, everything fell apart. You were kind of like Cinderella.
1:00 p.m. ET
San Francisco at Houston (-3)
Michael Crabtree signed an incentive-laden deal with the 49ers. Many people ripped the contract, saying Crabtree could never meet most of the benchmarks. Foolish! Crabtree and his agent knew the Texans' secondary was on the schedule. He could be set for life by the middle of the third quarter.
My pick: San Francisco (and to win)
Green Bay at Cleveland (+7)
This year the Browns have been hit by swine flu. Last year it was staph infections. Hey, Browns, we get it that you're going to crap your pants out on the field every week. But at least dispose of them in a hygienic way. Your locker room has become a den of disease.
My pick: Green Bay***
San Diego at Kansas City (+5)
Norv Turner doesn't get any respect. And rightfully so, of course. He's horrible. But in all the attention being paid to Jim Zorn in Washington, NO ONE is mentioning how Zorn is stealing Turner's bit. Getting nothing out of a talented roster? Snyder was doing that routine 15 years ago in DC. Zorn is a hack. Come up with your own material, ZORN! (Although Sherman Lewis will have to deliver it for you now.)
My pick: San Diego
Indianapolis at St. Louis (+13)
And, once again, it's time to share with you footage from the St. Louis Rams highlights DVD. Enjoy.
My pick: Indianapolis
Minnesota at Pittsburgh (-5.5)
I have noticed that announcers are now referring to Ben Roethlisberger as a "gunslinger." I'm not sure if that is a compliment. But I do know that it means this week's game is a duel between our nation's top old gunslinger and top young gunslinger. It's like the Wild West. Women of Pittsburgh, hike up your cleavage, step out of the saloon and watch the duel.
Except for you:
There were saloons and brothels in the Old West. Not buffets.
My pick: Minnesota
New England at Tampa Bay (+14.5)
This counts as a home game for the Buccaneers even though it's being played in London. But if you've ever visited London and Tampa, you know there are many similarities between the two cities. For one, they are both located on water. And the second similarity is that neither city has an NFL franchise.
My pick: New England***
4:05 p.m. ET
New York Jets at Oakland (+6)
After they knocked off the Eagles last week, don't be surprised if the Raiders beat the Jets this week. You see, JaMarcus Russell hates green teams. They remind him of vegetables.
My pick: Oakland
Buffalo at Carolina (-7)
On the debut UFL game a few weeks ago, I saw a Las Vegas fan holding up a sign that read: "Hey Buffalo: Got JP? We do!" I thought they were being ironic. Perhaps not.
My pick: Carolina
4:15 p.m. ET
Chicago at Cincinnati (-1)
Cedric Benson says he was blackballed by the Bears after they cut him. The Bears deny it. I don't know. The Bears OFFICIAL records say that he only averaged 3.7 yards a carry over three seasons, and never ran for more than 674 yards in season. Pretty damning, if you ask me. How was Benson supposed to get another job with the Bears putting stuff like that out there?
My pick: Chicago (and to win)
Atlanta at Dallas (-4)
The Cowboys are 29-2 all-time when coming off a bye, so that's an encouraging sign for them in this game. No, that's actually not true. I just like to tell Cowboys fans fake things that will encourage them, only to then just remind them that their team is not very good and that they're stuck with a more famous version of Jake Delhomme for the foreseeable future. It puts a smile on my face. And I'm not at all ashamed of that.
My pick: Atlanta (and to win)
New Orleans at Miami (+6.5)
Fergie is now an owner of the Dolphins. Glad to see she put the money she earned from that DirecTV commercial to good use. Was it wise for Fergie to trade her last remaining shred of artistic credibility for money from a TV provider and ownership in the Dolphins? You better believe it. Think of all the new song possibilities.
My lumps, my lumps, my lovely Parcells lumps.
My pick: New Orleans***
8:20 p.m. ET
Arizona at New York Giants (-7)
Just a programming note: the usual Sunday Night Football intro with Faith Hill is being scratched in place of Eli Manning singing the Pull-Ups jingle to his former mentor: "Mr. War-ner WOW! I'm a big kid now!" Should be memorable.
My pick: Arizona
Philadelphia at Washington (+7)
For the first time this season and we're in Week 7 the Redskins have to play a team that's not winless. Although the Eagles just lost to the Raiders. So they pretty much have the look and feel of a winless team. Let's just say the Redskins are playing an NFL record seventh consecutive winless team, but put an asterisk beside it.
My pick: Philadelphia
The best part of the NFL playoffs last year was the Steelers winning the Super Bowl. But that's because I'm a Steelers fan.
For everyone else, the best part of the playoffs was the Giants losing because it gave us this pathetic Giants fan crying about their loss.
(Original YouTube video of that display here. NSFW language.)
Comedy Central's Tosh.0 caught up with this lard-encased 4-year-old girl to see how it is emotionally some nine months after Lil' Elisha and the Giants were eliminated by the Eagles in the first round of the playoffs.