As part of SportsPickle's continuing commitment to corporate espionage, we have managed to intercept yet another sensitive document. This time we’ve nabbed the house rules for the studio hosts ofFox NFL Sunday. We warn you: some of this document contains strong language and/or references to Joe Buck.
Yeah, cry! CRY! Wah-wah-wah-wah. Boo-hoo. Cry like a TINY LITTLE BOY!
(You know, because you are. And that's incredibly appropriate. As you got crushed.)
1:00 p.m. ET
Houston at Buffalo (+3)
Steve Slaton needs to stop fumbling if the Texans are going to have a shot at the playoffs. And if he fumbles in this game, expect Terrell Owens to run off the sidelines and pick it up. He has very few chances to touch the ball.
My pick: Houston
Cleveland at Chicago (-13)
Angry Browns fans are organizing a protest. Waste of time. What they should do is organize a football team. And then beat the Browns.
My pick: Cleveland
Seattle at Dallas (-9.5)
If the Seahawks are going to have a chance in this game, they must stop Miles Austin. I can't believe I just wrote that.
My pick: Dallas
St. Louis at Detroit (-4)
The Rams have lost 17 in a row. The Lions have lost 22 of 23. And people say there isn't parity in the NFL anymore. Ridiculous. These teams suck pretty much equally.
My pick: Detroit
San Francisco at Indianapolis (-12.5)
Alex Smith got the nod at quarterback for the 49ers in the second half last week. And he responded by throwing three touchdowns to Vernon Davis. Smith-to-Davis just as the 49ers drew it up. In 2006. Now if only the 49ers can be a bit more patient with J.J. Stokes, they should have a potent offense.
My pick: Indianapolis
Miami at New York Jets (-3)
Wildcat? Pfffft. Mark Sanchez eats wildcats for lunch. No, really. Many hot dogs include waste meats from wild game.
My pick: Miami (and to win)
New York Giants at Philadelphia (+1)
Giants-Eagles at 1:00 p.m. Yankees-Phillies across the parking lot at 8:20. I hope the Guinness people are ready. I think we're going to have a record for most insufferable fans in one location.
My pick: Philadelphia (and to win)
Denver at Baltimore (-3)
If Baltimore loses again here, their season is pretty much over. So I'm picking the Ravens because their backs are against the wall. You see, for the past three games their chests have been against the wall, and they've been slightly bent over and the other teams have been well, this is a family site.
My pick: Baltimore
4:05 p.m. ET
Jacksonville at Tennessee (-3)
Vince Young is now starting in hopes of reviving the Titans. Good luck with that. Reviving the Titans would be as easy as reviving this guy:
My pick: Jacksonville (and to win)
Oakland at San Diego (-16.5)
As I said last week, Norv Turner is getting overlooked nationally because of some of the truly awful teams in the NFL. But this guy should not be a head coach. He has proven that over and over and over. I do think, however, he has a future in the front office. He reminds me of a young Al Davis. Especially in the face.
My pick: Oakland
4:15 p.m. ET
Carolina at Arizona (-10)
Just so you know, the line is also 10 in this game for how many times Jake Delhomme grabs the top of his helmet with both hands, closes his eyes and shakes his head, and then walks off the field with his head down and shoulders slumped. I'm going over. Way over. Kind of like a Delhomme pass over one of his receivers and into the waiting arms of a defensive back. ZORN!
My pick: Arizona
Minnesota at Green Bay (-3)
I realize it's Wisconsin, but do NOT eat the cheese dip at this game if you go. First of all, it's not cheese. Second, it was made by hand by the media. Yeah. Gross.
My pick: Minnesota (and to win)
Atlanta at New Orleans (-10.5)
As impressive as the Saints comeback win was last week, I worry they will become lazy now at the start of games. Teams tend to do that. Once they see what they're capable of, they coast out of the gate and then just wait to "turn it on." The Falcons, for example. They had a nice comeback win in 1974 and now they're just cruising along like they can flip the switch back on at any moment. I'm starting to question whether they can.
My pick: New Orleans
That kid plays like a kid out there! Probably because he's a kid!
And is someone yelling "KETCHUP!" after he lets go of the ball? Or maybe "CATCH 'EM"?
I can't tell.
I think I would have yelled "HOW DOES THIS KID HAVE A BETTER ARM THROWING UNDERHANDED BEHIND HIS BACK THEN A THIRD OF THE QUARTERBACKS STARTING IN THE NFL RIGHT NOW DO THROWING NORMALLY?!"
Dear Washington Redskins Fans
As you may have heard, in our ongoing efforts to improve the experience at FedEx Field, we have banned all fan signs.
But we will not stop there in our efforts to provide the best atmosphere possible.
In fact, I am pleased to announce a new measure: starting today, the scoreboard at FedEx Field is banned.
The scoreboard has been regularly putting up a low and losing score and that has created a negative atmosphere in the stadium and lessened the fan experience. We demand the best for our fans and won't let the negative attitudes of the scoreboard stand in the way. So it is being unplugged.
In addition to the ban on fan signs at FedEx Field and now the scoreboard ban, stadium security personnel will confiscate any devices that fans can use to learn the score, such as cell phones or radios. Also, the stadium's large video boards will show Redskins highlights from the 1980s and early 1990s during play.
Additionally, plain clothes team personnel will be circulating throughout the crowd to eject any fans who violate our new language policy. This includes our existing language policy with a few tweaks. I have overheard a sharp increase in the expression of the following phrases in the stadium in recent weeks, and they are all now BANNED:
"Dan Snyder is a douchebag."
"Fk Dan Snyder."
"I hope Dan Snyder dies in a fire."
"Hey, whaddaya say we all storm the owner's box and kill Dan Snyder?"
We feel these new changes will increase the enjoyment of all those in attendance at Redskins games, including me.
Also, parking at the stadium will now cost $125.
Daniel Snyder Washington Redskins, Owner
FOX is broadcasting the 2009 World Series between the New York Yankees and Philadelphia Phillies.
Here is FOX analyst Howie Long with his keys to the series.
The Washington Redskins fell to 2-5 on the season on Monday night thanks to a hard-fought, 10-point loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. And while such a record might not normally go over well in Washington, the team is earning praise for performing so well in the absence of star tight end Chris Cooley, who hasn't played the last three quarters.
Cooley suffered a broken leg on the first play of the second quarter in Monday night's game and is lost for the season.
"Every team in the NFL goes through injuries," said Redskins head coach Jim Zorn. "That's to be expected. And you have to fight through those. But when you lose a star player, sometimes they are too big to overcome. I think that's what has happened to us this year."
Quarterback Jason Campbell says he has noticed Cooley's absence from the very beginning.
"While he was on the field, yes, I just sensed it wasn't permanent, you know?" said Campbell. "That's one of the intangibles I bring to the quarterback position. That and well, that's the primary one. So I sensed he would get hurt, and therefore I didn't throw to him. I also haven't thrown the ball much to Santana Moss or Antwaan Randle-El this season. Mainly out of respect for Chris and what he's going through."
And while Cooley's is the most serious injury the Redskins have suffered this season, Zorn says other high-profile players have been fighting through debilitating injuries, as well.
"They won't admit it to me," said Zorn. "But I think it's obvious that Clinton Portis has one or two torn ACLs and maybe a ruptured Achilles. And Albert Haynesworth is dying of some kind of cardiovascular disease it seems. But they're brave enough to go out there on the field and compete, even though they look horrible and are embarrassing themselves. I admire them."
Redskins owner Daniel Snyder says he is taking into account all the bad luck in evaluating the embattled Zorn.
"Had you told me before the season that we were going to lose Chris Cooley for the year, a 2-5 start isn't half bad," said Snyder. "Coach Zorn is looking at a contract extension."
ADD: Miles Austin, WR, Cowboys Here's what we know: Roy Williams is a giant turd. So Tony Romo has to throw the ball somewhere and if he threw the ball to Jason Witten on every play, people would start to talk. So Miles Austin it is. After catching only five passes through the first four games, Austin has posted 16 catches for 421 yards and 4 touchdowns in his last two games. Huge numbers. And because he plays for the Cowboys America's Team! (That It Most Likes To Hate!) he's about to be a star.
Unfortunately, Austin is still probably going to struggles with the ladies. You see, he looks like this:
And even if there are women out there who have some sort of bestial (fishial?) attraction to piranha, Austin also has anexcessive sweat disorder. HOT!
But I digress. This isn't about Miles Austin and women. This is about men. Real men. Men who play fake football. Men like you.
So is Miles Austin a good fantasy pick up?
You better believe it.
He's not a flash in the pan?
Of course he is! He's a Dallas Cowboy. ButCowboys players usually don't completely go in the crapper until Week 16 or 17, or even sometimes in the first round of the playoffs, and by that time your fantasy season will be long over.
1. Cincinnati Bengals By crushing the Bears, they stayed tied for first in the AFC North with the Steelers and are feeling good about themselves heading into their bye week. Best of all, the Bengals treated the nation to numerous shots of Sad Cutler. Oh, and Bears, let Cedric Benson be a lesson to you: do NOT EVER cut a running back who has sucked for three years and been a locker room cancer AGAIN. What were you thinking??? Idiots!
2. JaMarcus Russell In the fourth quarter of yesterday's blowout defeat of the Raiders, Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was spotted eating a hot dog on the bench. Now you know, JaMarcus: Oakland Coliseum vendors deliver to the bench. Your NFL career is about to get a lot more enjoyable.
3. Alex Smith News flash: the former No. 1 overall pick is not dead! Really! I saw him on the field yesterday for the 49ers! I guess those reports that he had passed away inside his house of starvation, his miniature hands too small and weak to open his door to leave or dial a phone, were untrue. Huh. Also, he threw three touchdowns in the second half yesterday, all to Vernon Davis. (Who is also apparently not dead! YAY!)
4. Jake Delhomme As always, you really blew. No touchdowns, three interceptions, and a loss. At home. To the Bills! Yet, you play in a league with JaMarcus Russell, Josh Johnson, Matt Cassel, Marc Bulger and Derek Anderson. All of them had worse quarterback ratings than you did on Sunday. Plus, Brett Favre and Jay Cutler stepped forward with some high-profile suck. And with all the teams on byes this week, you almost performed in the top-half of quarterbacks! Congratulations! (Now quit. For the sake of Panthers fans. If you've ever wanted to go out on a high, this is as high as it's going to get for you.)
5. Vikings fans You were given the gift of realistic expectations. Some of you had started to think that Brett Favre had become someone other than Brett Favre. Someone who is incapable of single-handedly snatching defeat from the jaws of victory at a moment's notice and then, as victory still tries to reach back and grab his teammates and pull them to safety, mowing over victory's head. You, of course, were wrong. Brett Favre is still Brett Favre. He will always be Brett Favre. Those of us lucky enough to root for teams he has not decided to parasite his way onto count on this fact. It fills us with great joy and schadenfreude. And it's good you realized this truth about Favre now and not during a "shocking" four-interception game in the NFC Championship Game. You will now experience less heartbreak this way. So let this game serve as a reminder: Adrian Peterson is your savior, not Brett Favre. (Not that Peterson is perfect. He fumbles a lot. And yesterday he outed himself as a Gay basher.) (EDIT: Here's a better example of Peterson's homophobia.)
Oh, and for good measure, and to compliment the beautiful art above:
1. The British You sold out a game to watch the crappy Tampa Bay Buccaneers play a team named in honor of people who overthrew your government in a sport you don't like? You are more pathetic than I thought. America has many problems, but I don't think you'd see a stadium filled here for a soccer match between West Ham United and the Kabul Death-To-Americas. U-S-A. U-S-freaking-A!
2. America But let's not get too high on ourselves. The British probably aren't subjected to those DirecTV commercials in which David Spade takes a dump all over Chris Farley's grave. You're stuck there with Chris Farley, David Spade? Well, we're stuck with you alive and Chris Farley dead. So we have it worse off. By a mile.
3. Miami Dolphins Two of Chad Henne's top targets in yesterday's choke loss to the Saints: Brian Hartline and Ted Ginn, Jr. Both from Ohio State. I'm wondering at what point in a BCS title game Miami scouts thought to themselves: "Now those are the players we need on this team!"
4. breast cancer Week 7 was the last week of NFL action in October. That means next week is November and Breast Cancer Awareness Month is OVER. NFL players no longer have to pretend to care about cancer, at least not any cancers not caused by steroids.
5. Ricky Williams The game against the Saints started perfectly. You were destroying them. Just like when you played for the Saints. But then at the end, everything fell apart. You were kind of like Cinderella.