Filed Under » NFL

WINNERS

1. Kevin Boss, TE, Giants — Eli Manning still has yet to find a replacement for Plaxico Burress in the Giants office. So you stepped forward on Sunday with five catches for 76 yards and two touchdowns in a game your team had to win. Hats off to you. Of course, if it turns out you're a Nazi, I take it all back. And I hope you burn in hell for all eternity.

2. Dreamboats — The S.S. Tom Brady: 310 yards and a touchdown. The S.S. Brady Quinn: 304 yards, four touchdowns. The S.S. Matt Leinart: Well, at least he didn't almost blow a sure win this time. The S.S. Mark Sanchez: Hmm … well, he's terrible. Another five turnover game. But that means he's hot and a little bit naughty. Rawwwrrrrr! You know you'd let him turn you over. Oh, and Terrell Suggs: please stop complaining that Brady Quinn's chop block took out your knees. You know it was looking at him that made you weak in the knees.

3. Robert Meachem, WR, Saints — Two more touchdown catches yesterday. And two more catches yesterday. So, for the season, you now have six touchdowns on 16 catches. That's quite a touchdown-to-catch ratio. Why don't the Saints make you their No. 1 target? If you had 96 catches in a season, you'd have 36 touchdowns! That's incredible! (And don't tell me I'm misusing statistics. I learned last week that Bill Belichick made the right call — THE ONLY CALL! — because the numbers said so. You are a troglodyte for thinking otherwise. A TROGLODYTE, I say!)

4. New York Jets — So you got crushed by the Patriots and your season is pretty much over. Whoop-dee-doo. Everyone knows that your game earlier this season against the Patriots was your Super Bowl. And you won that game. So this game was your Pro Bowl. No one cares who wins the Pro Bowl. Congratulations on your world championship and enjoy the off-season.

5. America — The holiday season is upon us. Normally, that means you're going to get fat. But not this year. Because this year whenever you get the urge to eat, just check out this video of Bills lineman Eric Wood breaking his leg:

LOSERS

1. Maurice Jones-Drew, RB, Jaguars — He had 29 touches on Sunday and only one touchdown. That means he gave himself up 28 times this week — 28! — before going in the end zone. STOP KILLING MY FANTASY TEAM, YOU DICK!

2. Don Criqui and Randy Cross — CBS assigned you to call the Browns-Lions game. Wow. Clearly you are not thought of highly by your employer. And while I have nothing against Don Criqui, I'm glad Randy Cross is a failure. I never cared for his name and how it suggests sexual arousal over crucifixions. Pervert!

3. AFC North — Baltimore? Loses to the Colts thanks to The Unibrow Bomber throwing an interception when the Ravens were in range to kick a game-winning field goal.Cleveland? Loses to the Lions. The Lions! After having a 24-3 lead!Cincinnati? Loses to the Raiders. The Raiders! Pittsburgh? Loses to the Chiefs. The Chiefs! The AFC North? Worse than the AFC West. The AFC West!

4. Steelers Nation — There were huge sections of empty seats in the upper deck at Arrowhead Stadium on Sunday. You people can't even fill an opposing stadium anymore that's within a 17-hour drive of Pittsburgh? Your team loses a few games and you stop supporting them? I even heard a smattering of cheers in the stadium when the Chiefs won. You can't drown out an entire fan base in their home stadium anymore?Pathetic. Pa-thetic.

5. Larry Johnson — Two carries, five yards. And the Bengals lost. To the Raiders. And that's not even the worst of it. Then Johnson gets home, tries to relax, flips on Eagles-Bears and what does he see? A dude's butt.

Not a good day to be a washed-up homophobe.

The Detroit Lions put up big numbers on the Cleveland Browns on Sunday behind a dramatic 32 fantasy point performance from rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford, including a clutch six-point touchdown pass on the game's final play.

Stafford's final touchdown pass, his fifth of the day which took his fantasy points from 26 to 32, came one play after he injured his non-throwing shoulder.

"I really shouldn't have been in there," he said. "I could have suffered long-term damage. But what good does it do anyone to have a backup come in and pick up six fantasy points at the end of the game? No, I needed to finish the job."

The 32 fantasy points more than doubled Stafford's previous career high, a 15-point game against the Redskins in Week 3. And it totaled nearly half of the 74 fantasy points he had earned so far this season through nine weeks.

"Right now I am only owned by 6.8-percent of all users in ESPN fantasy leagues and less than that in Yahoo! leagues," he said. "But I think this game will get me closer to 10-percent. Especially in keeper leagues."

Stafford wasn't the only quarterback to boost his fantasy stock in the game — Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn also posted a career-high 28 fantasy points on four touchdown passes and two interceptions. He only had 10 fantasy points all season entering the game.

"Matthew may have come out on top in most leagues, 32-28," said Quinn, owned in less than 3-percent of leagues. "But he had two interceptions and I had none. In fantasy leagues that punish turnovers more, I won. And that makes me feel really good. I just hope I proved to this team today that I have what it takes to be a viable long-term fantasy quarterback."

Browns coach Eric Mangini was also happy with the game.

"It was a good points day for most everyone on our offense except our team defense," he said. "We're making progress."

Fourth quarter. 2:25 remaining. Yale with the ball and up by three points against their rival, Harvard, who they've lost six of seven to. Fourth-and-22. Yale on their own 26.

And … FAKE PUNT!

Failed fake punt. The Yale ball carrier was tackled at the 40, just eight yards short of the first down. Harvard gets the ball and wins the game three plays later on a touchdown.

But don't criticize Yale head coach Tom Williams just yet. You see, using Belichickian logic, you couldn't risk giving the ball back to Harvard, because their offense was really rolling in that they had put up … really? Just seven points to that point in the game?

Wow.

''The whole idea was to keep our foot on the pedal, and not play scared,'' said Williams, trying to explain the call. ''If anyone is looking for somebody to blame, blame this guy right here.''

Okay. We will. Not a problem there.

I'm guessing Yale was Williams' safety position after he couldn't get the head job at Harvard.

1:00 p.m. ET

Washington at Dallas (-11)

The Redskins. What a joke! They're, like, the biggest punchline of the season! Also, they're three games out of first in the NFC East. Maybe we'll get to make fun of them all the way into the first round of the playoffs! Gooooooooomost overrated division ever!

My pick: Washington

Cleveland at Detroit (-3.5)

This game is blacked-out in Detroit. I supposed it will be on in Cleveland and … nowhere else. Whoever CBS assigned to call this game might want to consider other career options. For example, playing NFL football. I'm sure they could make either of these teams.

My pick: Cleveland

San Francisco at Green Bay (-6.5)

Alex Smith and Aaron Rodgers, two quarterbacks picked in the first round of the 2005 draft, meet for the first time. But how did they not meet at the draft? Rodgers was sitting there forever. It was rude of Smith to not swing by and say hello after his party was over.

My pick: San Francisco

Pittsburgh at Kansas City (+10)

Pittsburgh's secondary has some problems. Safety Ryan Clark has a rare blood disorder that could kill him if he plays at altitude. While fellow safety Troy Polamalu has a rare knee disorder that causes it to fall apart if he runs at any altitude. If the Steelers can get the rest of their games scheduled below sea level, they're still the Super Bowl favorite.

My pick: Pittsburgh***

Seattle at Minnesota (-10.5)

Jim Mora, Jr. sent the NFL a list of 17 complaints about the officiating in last week's game against the Cardinals. (Shocker: the Seahawks lost that game!) Amateur. This is why he'll never be the coach Mike Holmgren was. Holmgren would hold a rally at Qwest Field and complain publicly about being robbed. Let the whole world know you're a poor loser, Jim! Not just a few people at the league office. What's the point of that?

My pick: Minnesota

Atlanta at New York Giants (-6.5)

Dear NFL media: I know each year when Eli Manning goes two or three games without throwing an interception, you like to refer to him as one of the game's elites. And then, as always, he re-commences sucking and makes you look incredibly foolish. Like, every year this happens. Every. Year. It's quite a phenomenon. Anyway, for your own good, I just want to mention that Eli didn't throw any interceptions last week because the Giants had a bye week. So don't write or say anything about how good he is based on last week. You'll look even dumber than normal.

My pick: New York Giants

New Orleans at Tampa Bay (+11)

Could the Buccaneers knock the Saints from among the ranks of the unbeaten? Who knows. Stranger things have happened. For example: the New Orleans Saints are among the ranks of the unbeaten.

My pick: New Orleans

Buffalo at Jacksonville (-8.5)

Five seconds to name Buffalo's new head coach … GO! Okay, five seconds to name Buffalo's old head coach … GO! Okay, five seconds to name the NFL team that plays in Buffalo … GO! Wow. An 0-for-3 performance. But don't feel bad. I didn't do any better.

My pick: Buffalo

Indianapolis at Baltimore (+1.5)

Every yard Peyton Manning passes for in this game, every touchdown pass he throws, puts more and more distance between himself and Johnny Unitas atop the Colts' record book. Suck it, Baltimore. Suck. It. At least if you're going to steal a team from another city, do it the right way. Just think, Joe Flacco would already hold every passing record in Browns history.

My pick: Indianapolis

4:05 p.m. ET

Arizona at St. Louis (+9)

The Rams gave the Saints quite a test last week. Maybe this team isn't horribly bad. Just bad. They've earned the right to lose the adverbs.

My pick: Arizona

4:15 p.m. ET

San Diego at Denver (+6.5)

Kyle Orton is a game-time decision this week. But I think he's a game-time decision every week. The coach just looks around before kickoff: "Ah, hell. No one better showed up. Kyle? You're in again."

My pick: San Diego***

Cincinnati at Oakland (+9.5)

JaMarcus Russell has been told he's on the bench. But I think he'll still play. I mean, he was told before to play quarterback and he obviously never listened to that.

My pick: Oakland

New York Jets at New England (-10.5)

Rex Ryan brought a tissue box to his press conference this week. Get it? He's disarmingly self-aware! Mostly. If he was completely self-aware, he then would have done a few minutes of stand-up about how he's coached this team right into the toilet over the past month.

My pick: New England

8:20 p.m. ET

Philadelphia at Chicago (+3)

Donovan McNabb probably wants to put up big numbers in his hometown. That's why he should play defensive back.

My pick: Philadelphia***

Monday night

Tennessee at Houston (-4.5)

The main headline on the front ofUSA Today's sports section on Friday was: "QB Schaub ascends to elite of NFL." I don't really have a joke. I just find it interesting that some newspapers are turning to comedy to try to stay relevant. That's more competition for me. I'll have to raise my game. But it's going to be tough. USA Today has always had such succinct humor with their 97-word articles. I'm way more wordy. For example, this game write-up alone is akin to a 12-part USA Today investigative report.

My pick: Tennessee

AVOID: Larry Johnson, RB, Bengals — Johnson is tempting for anyone who is a fantasy football veteran. For a time in the middle of the decade he was one of the top fantasy guys in the NFL. But that was several years, battered women and homophobic slurs ago. In the last three seasons combined, Johnson has gained only 1,810 yards — after running for more than 1,700 in both 2005 and 2006.

Granted, the new Bengals running back seems to be motivated … to play his old team, at least. In fact, he posted this on his Facebook page on Monday: "Gonna gallop all over the Chiefs. Cleat prints on the chests. Mud in the face masks."

Ouch.

Cincinnati plays Kansas City on December 27th.

And don't think he won't gallop all over you, Chiefs. Larry Johnson's yards per carry these days is about the exact length of a human body. He may never get off of you.

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