Fourth quarter. 2:25 remaining. Yale with the ball and up by three points against their rival, Harvard, who they've lost six of seven to. Fourth-and-22. Yale on their own 26.
And FAKE PUNT!
Failed fake punt. The Yale ball carrier was tackled at the 40, just eight yards short of the first down. Harvard gets the ball and wins the game three plays later on a touchdown.
But don't criticize Yale head coach Tom Williams just yet. You see, using Belichickian logic, you couldn't risk giving the ball back to Harvard, because their offense was really rolling in that they had put up really? Just seven points to that point in the game?
''The whole idea was to keep our foot on the pedal, and not play scared,'' said Williams, trying to explain the call. ''If anyone is looking for somebody to blame, blame this guy right here.''
Okay. We will. Not a problem there.
I'm guessing Yale was Williams' safety position after he couldn't get the head job at Harvard.
1:00 p.m. ET
Washington at Dallas (-11)
The Redskins. What a joke! They're, like, the biggest punchline of the season! Also, they're three games out of first in the NFC East. Maybe we'll get to make fun of them all the way into the first round of the playoffs! Gooooooooomost overrated division ever!
My pick: Washington
Cleveland at Detroit (-3.5)
This game is blacked-out in Detroit. I supposed it will be on in Cleveland and nowhere else. Whoever CBS assigned to call this game might want to consider other career options. For example, playing NFL football. I'm sure they could make either of these teams.
My pick: Cleveland
San Francisco at Green Bay (-6.5)
Alex Smith and Aaron Rodgers, two quarterbacks picked in the first round of the 2005 draft, meet for the first time. But how did they not meet at the draft? Rodgers was sitting there forever. It was rude of Smith to not swing by and say hello after his party was over.
My pick: San Francisco
Pittsburgh at Kansas City (+10)
Pittsburgh's secondary has some problems. Safety Ryan Clark has a rare blood disorder that could kill him if he plays at altitude. While fellow safety Troy Polamalu has a rare knee disorder that causes it to fall apart if he runs at any altitude. If the Steelers can get the rest of their games scheduled below sea level, they're still the Super Bowl favorite.
My pick: Pittsburgh***
Seattle at Minnesota (-10.5)
Jim Mora, Jr. sent the NFL a list of 17 complaints about the officiating in last week's game against the Cardinals. (Shocker: the Seahawks lost that game!) Amateur. This is why he'll never be the coach Mike Holmgren was. Holmgren would hold a rally at Qwest Field and complain publicly about being robbed. Let the whole world know you're a poor loser, Jim! Not just a few people at the league office. What's the point of that?
My pick: Minnesota
Atlanta at New York Giants (-6.5)
Dear NFL media: I know each year when Eli Manning goes two or three games without throwing an interception, you like to refer to him as one of the game's elites. And then, as always, he re-commences sucking and makes you look incredibly foolish. Like, every year this happens. Every. Year. It's quite a phenomenon. Anyway, for your own good, I just want to mention that Eli didn't throw any interceptions last week because the Giants had a bye week. So don't write or say anything about how good he is based on last week. You'll look even dumber than normal.
My pick: New York Giants
New Orleans at Tampa Bay (+11)
Could the Buccaneers knock the Saints from among the ranks of the unbeaten? Who knows. Stranger things have happened. For example: the New Orleans Saints are among the ranks of the unbeaten.
My pick: New Orleans
Buffalo at Jacksonville (-8.5)
Five seconds to name Buffalo's new head coach GO! Okay, five seconds to name Buffalo's old head coach GO! Okay, five seconds to name the NFL team that plays in Buffalo GO! Wow. An 0-for-3 performance. But don't feel bad. I didn't do any better.
My pick: Buffalo
Indianapolis at Baltimore (+1.5)
Every yard Peyton Manning passes for in this game, every touchdown pass he throws, puts more and more distance between himself and Johnny Unitas atop the Colts' record book. Suck it, Baltimore. Suck. It. At least if you're going to steal a team from another city, do it the right way. Just think, Joe Flacco would already hold every passing record in Browns history.
My pick: Indianapolis
4:05 p.m. ET
Arizona at St. Louis (+9)
The Rams gave the Saints quite a test last week. Maybe this team isn't horribly bad. Just bad. They've earned the right to lose the adverbs.
My pick: Arizona
4:15 p.m. ET
San Diego at Denver (+6.5)
Kyle Orton is a game-time decision this week. But I think he's a game-time decision every week. The coach just looks around before kickoff: "Ah, hell. No one better showed up. Kyle? You're in again."
My pick: San Diego***
Cincinnati at Oakland (+9.5)
JaMarcus Russell has been told he's on the bench. But I think he'll still play. I mean, he was told before to play quarterback and he obviously never listened to that.
My pick: Oakland
New York Jets at New England (-10.5)
Rex Ryan brought a tissue box to his press conference this week. Get it? He's disarmingly self-aware! Mostly. If he was completely self-aware, he then would have done a few minutes of stand-up about how he's coached this team right into the toilet over the past month.
My pick: New England
8:20 p.m. ET
Philadelphia at Chicago (+3)
Donovan McNabb probably wants to put up big numbers in his hometown. That's why he should play defensive back.
My pick: Philadelphia***
Tennessee at Houston (-4.5)
The main headline on the front ofUSA Today's sports section on Friday was: "QB Schaub ascends to elite of NFL." I don't really have a joke. I just find it interesting that some newspapers are turning to comedy to try to stay relevant. That's more competition for me. I'll have to raise my game. But it's going to be tough. USA Today has always had such succinct humor with their 97-word articles. I'm way more wordy. For example, this game write-up alone is akin to a 12-part USA Today investigative report.
My pick: Tennessee
November 20, 2009 Column
Tweet of the Week
Tweet of the Week
From @reggie_bush AKA New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush
It's okay, Reggie. Those are definitely some birthing hips. Everything will be fine.
Picture Ref Takes Down Player
Flag on the offense for getting owned by an old man. 15 yard penalty.
AVOID: Larry Johnson, RB, Bengals Johnson is tempting for anyone who is a fantasy football veteran. For a time in the middle of the decade he was one of the top fantasy guys in the NFL. But that was several years, battered women and homophobic slurs ago. In the last three seasons combined, Johnson has gained only 1,810 yards after running for more than 1,700 in both 2005 and 2006.
Granted, the new Bengals running back seems to be motivated to play his old team, at least. In fact, he posted this on his Facebook page on Monday: "Gonna gallop all over the Chiefs. Cleat prints on the chests. Mud in the face masks."
Cincinnati plays Kansas City on December 27th.
And don't think he won't gallop all over you, Chiefs. Larry Johnson's yards per carry these days is about the exact length of a human body. He may never get off of you.
Why shouldn't this be the ad? Most people who buy Wrangler jeans eventually make them into jorts anyway.
Picture Patten Butts
Save it for the locker room, boys.
Picture Fan Sign Spelling Fail
It's a shame New York lost to New Orlands.
Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn made a bold promise today – and one many think he may not be able to keep – when he promised little William Tyler, a 6-year-old Browns fan suffering from terminal cancer, that he will throw the boy one completion in his next game.
“William asked Brady to throw him five touchdowns and Brady said, ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can do that for you, little boy,’” said Tara Guzman, Tyler’s nurse. “So then William asked him for one touchdown and Brady kind of hemmed on that one, too. So they went back and forth on stuff like that for a while before Brady finally agreed to try to throw him one single completion. I think it was a fair compromise.”
The little boy says he hopes Quinn comes through on his promise.
“My daddy says that all the Browns need to win is for Brady to not completely f—k it all up and lose the game all by himself,” said William. “And, yeah, my parents say I’m allowed to say bad words like ‘f—k’ if I want to because I’m dying. So hopefully he can complete just one pass for me and the Browns will win a game. I just hope he knows I meant that he has to complete a pass to another Browns player, not the other team.”
Quinn says he is not the one to make brash predictions, but admits he is feeling pretty confident heading into the game.
“I feel like I played well in practice and, at the very least, I feel like I won't play worse than Derek Anderson," said Quinn. “So, yeah, I think I can throw a completion, and who knows – I could go off, get a few breaks and maybe even have two or three. I don’t to limit myself and put a cap on it.”
No matter what the outcome on the scoreboard is, though, little William’s father is hoping against hope that Quinn comes through for his son with the promised completion.
“Brady is William’s favorite player, so this would mean a lot to him and put a smile on his face if it happens,” said Greg Tyler, the stricken boy’s father. “Although I find it kind of depressing that Brady Quinn is his favorite player. It makes me think he hates himself for having cancer and has completely given up on life.”