New York Jets rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez, the toast of the town not long ago, has reportedly gone almost four hours without being serviced sexually by an attractive woman.
"This continues to be an adjustment period for him," said head coach Rex Ryan. "He just needs to take care of his job on the field, and soon the continuous parade of tail will pick back up. I mean, he's still hot, regardless of the interceptions, am I right?"
Sanchez's dry spell came while he was sleeping. But that's no excuse, says the rookie.
"Back in September, I had women models, working supermodels waking me up a few times a night to orally service me," he said. "Now a normal night is sex with some reality star. And I'm not even talking crazy stuff. Just normal sex. Like, Kellen Clemens sex."
Ifthere's a silver lining to the slump, it might be that the extra sleephas allowed Sanchez to rest up, which couldproduce results on the field.
"I've had Marktalk to some veterans around the league like Tom Brady and they all say that if you produce on the field, the sex will take care of itself," said Ryan. "And then I've had himtalk to other guys, like Matt Leinart, and he says thatyou can still get tail, it will just be fat and ugly.Like me in a wig.I don't think Mark wants to go down that road."
Sanchez just wants to get back to winning.
"It's all about the wins and losses," he said. "I don't care about stats. And neither do the women I sleep with. They don't care about quarterback rating. They just want to know they're having a three-way with a winner."
Last week, November 20th, I got the following e-mail from someone who claims to be a reader of the site. He has e-mailed again. See the update at the bottom
I’ve read this web site for a long time. There is good stuff here. But you’ve got to get your head out of your ass with bashing the PATRIOTS. Understand what this team has accomplished and don’t be so jealous about it. You look dumb and its not funny.
2008. Everyone knows that if Tom Brady wasn’t hurt, the Patriots coast to the Super Bowl especially because he would have been motivated after losing the year before. This is an easy one.
2007. If that Super Bowl was played 1000 times the Pats would win 999 of them. Everyone knows they were the better team. Its like how the MVP doesn’t always go to the better team. Plus you can’t forget that the refs gave the Giants a ton of calls and some biased timekeeping didn’t give the Pats enough time at the end. Take that stuff away and it is 1000 of 1000.
2006. We all saw that game AFC title game against the Colts. Robbed doesn’t even start to describing it.
2005. The officiating against the Broncos = SO BAD! That Champ Bailey interception was ours. The Patriots easily beat the Steelers at home and then roll over the Seattle Seahakws.
2004. WE WIN IT ALL.
2003. WE WIN IT ALL.
2002. I honestly don’t remember much about this season. Maybe we weren’t the best team this year. I don’t know who was though. So no one can say it wasn’t us either. And I do know that no one wanted to play THE DEFENDING champs!
2001. WE WIN IT ALL.
2000. Tom Brady’s rookie year right here. If Bledsoe come sthrough and gets injured for us this year, you can more or less hand the Super Bowl title over to us.
That’s the whole decade. We won them all.
Now I want to go back a little bit more even.
1996. The Patriots go to the Super Bowl. If Bob Kraft had been smart enough to make Coach Belichick the head coach instead of Parcells, you know we probably win that game. All due respect to Parcells, but we win that game with Belichick. Bill is just better and smarter.
So now it’s like we have set this whole run of greatness back five more years. Belichick and the boy start it all up in 1996.
1997. We probably repeat. Bledsoe is no Tom Brady but these were his prime year s in here so with Belichick in toe, we win this.
1999. Same. Also, if Tom Brady comes out of Michigan a year early as a junior, we definitely win it.
And now we are right back to 2000 with Brady winning it all as a rookie in the best season ever for a rookie QB. That is 13 years and what is it there – you want to say 10 titles or eleven? That is conservatively.
Then I can take you all the way back to 1985. We were in the Super Bowl again that year. People talk all about the Bears, but did you know that we were winning that game 3-0??? I have seen it on Espn Classic. The refs call that blatant holding on Chicago’s next drive and we get a stop there, the whole game changes. We could have easily won that game. Those were Tony Eason’s prime years to. With a win in that game, who’s to say we don’t get rolling back then and win a bunch more titles. I didn’t follow the Nfl as much back then, but you can definitely pencil us in for five or six more titles until we start wining them with Belichick and Bledsoe in the ‘90s. What other teams were there really? The 80’s were way down in the Nfl and we could have cruised.
So again (conservatively) we probably win 19 or 20 of the past 24 Super Bowls.
Do you have any idea how GREAT that is?????? Football is way more competitive than baseball and even the Yankees don’t’ have that many.
I understand the jealousy of the Patriots. We are the best. We have the most Super Bowl titles ever. And I’m not even counting the twenty since the 80’s here.
But please show some more respect and appreciation for what we’ve accomplished here. Your writing will be funnier without all the HATE.
UPDATE November 25th.
I see you posted my letter on the site. Was that supposed to make fun of me? All it did was prove my point to a bigger amount of people beyond just you. I should say thanks to you. Your plan to laugh at me backfired.
btw- I should say that I talked to my cousin who has followed the Pats alot longer than I have and he said they probably wouldn't have won as many Super Bowl in the 80's as I gave them credit for. He agreed with me 110percent on everything else tho.
So put us down for 17 or 18 of the past 24 Super Bowls guaranteed instead of 20 or all of them. Irregardless of the way you slice it, WE ARE THE BEST.
AVOID: Rock Cartwright, RB, Redskins With Clinton Portis hurt and Ladell Betts out for the season, Rock Cartwright may get the bulk of Washington's carries down the stretch. The opportunity to pick up a No. 1 back especially one with a 4.4 yard per carry average over his career this late in the season is not something to ignore. At the same time, this late in the season you have to be more mindful of a team's schedule.
Let's take a look at the rest of Washington's schedule:
Week 12: Washington @ Philadelphia
Week 13: New Orleans @ Washington
Week 14: Washington @ Oakland
Week 15: New York Giants @ Washington
Week 16: Dallas @ Washington
See why I say to avoid Rock Cartwright now? That schedule is brutal. In that it has the Redskins on it every week. And you should never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, have a member of the Redskins on your fantasy team. Ever. Ever ever. I mean, seriously. What were you thinking?
Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will undergo tests this week to determine whether or not he should play this weekend after suffering a head injury in Sunday’s loss to the Chiefs. While the team says his status is “still up in the air,” Pittsburgh-born neurologist and die-hard Steelers fan Dr. Elliot Beamon said Roethlisberger should “definitely” play.
“Oh yes, absolutely I think Ben should play,” Beamon said in an interview with FOX Sports radio. “I saw the injury and it didn’t look that bad. Just a little bonk on the head. Nothing to be alarmed about. Roll him out there and let the chips fall where they may. Believe me, if they lose to the Ravens, they’ll have a lot more to worry about than Ben’s long term mental health.”
Beamon cautioned against overreacting to head injuries, saying it should be up to the player to determine whether or not he can play.
“I appreciate the league’s new focus on head injuries, but let’s not overreact here,” Beamon said. “If we benched every player that got knocked in the head we wouldn’t even have games on Sunday. That’s why I think the player should be able to decide whether or not to play. Either that or the season-ticket holders. Then the doctors.”
The doctor dismissed claims that he is biased and insisted that his prognosis is rooted in decades of experience dealing with brain traumas.
“Biased? I take great exception to that,” Beamon said. “I took the Hippocratic Oath. I don’t mess around with people’s lives and health. I simply feel that Ben is healthy enough to play and should play. What’s that? No, I haven’t examined him myself. I just have a lot of experience with this kind of thing, and I’m telling you, put the bastard in there and have him drill a fastball right into Ray Lewis’ groin to show that jerk how we do it here in Pittsburgh. Then we'll see who's hurting.”
According to the team, there may be good news on the horizon for Dr. Beamon and his fellow season ticket holders: preliminary tests indicate Roethlisberger has no concussion symptoms and should be able to play on Sunday.
Said coach Mike Tomlin: “He looks good. He feels good. Right now we’re cautiously optimistic. We’re going to wait, though, just to make sure. No game is more important than a player’s brain, except for possibly the Super Bowl and/or conference championship game and/or a game like this one that could potentially lead to an opportunity to play for a conference championship or Super Bowl. After all, brains last 70 or 80 years, championships are forever.”
Reporter:Troy! Troy! Tell me about your knee. The Steelers defense is suffering without you. When can you get back on the field?
Polamalu: Well, I owe my great hair to Head & Shoulders. It's for more than just dandruff.
Reporter: Uh, right. No, I want to know about your knee. When will it be 100-percent and when can the Steelers count on you again?
Polamalu: Head & Shoulders does seven great things for my scalp and hair.
Reporter: Didn't ask about your hair, Troy.
Polamalu: You asked with your eyes, Trent. You asked with your eyes.
Reporter: The fk I did! Look, I'm serious, guy when are you going to be out on the field again? The Steelers just lost to the Chiefs, Troy. The goddam CHIEFS! Your defense let Matt Cassel drive the ball 91 yards in the fourth quarter to tie the game. Matt Cassel! Ninety-one yards! And, then, in overtime, on 3rd-and-5, Chris Chambers goes right through the defense for 61 yards. Chris Chambers, Troy! Chris fking Chambers! That guy SUCKS! So I ask one more time when in the hell is your knee going to be ready? And don't say one word about your motherfkingHAIR.
Polamalu: Two to three weeks.
Reporter: Thank you. And you do have nice hair, by the way.
1. Kevin Boss, TE, Giants Eli Manning still has yet to find a replacement for Plaxico Burress in the Giants office. So you stepped forward on Sunday with five catches for 76 yards and two touchdowns in a game your team had to win. Hats off to you. Of course, if it turns out you're a Nazi, I take it all back. And I hope you burn in hell for all eternity.
2. Dreamboats The S.S. Tom Brady: 310 yards and a touchdown. The S.S. Brady Quinn: 304 yards, four touchdowns. The S.S. Matt Leinart: Well, at least he didn't almost blow a sure win this time. The S.S. Mark Sanchez: Hmm well, he's terrible. Another five turnover game. But that means he's hot and a little bit naughty. Rawwwrrrrr! You know you'd let him turn you over. Oh, and Terrell Suggs: please stop complaining that Brady Quinn's chop block took out your knees. You know it was looking at him that made you weak in the knees.
3. Robert Meachem, WR, Saints Two more touchdown catches yesterday. And two more catches yesterday. So, for the season, you now have six touchdowns on 16 catches. That's quite a touchdown-to-catch ratio. Why don't the Saints make you their No. 1 target? If you had 96 catches in a season, you'd have 36 touchdowns! That's incredible! (And don't tell me I'm misusing statistics. I learned last week that Bill Belichick made the right call THE ONLY CALL! because the numbers said so. You are a troglodyte for thinking otherwise. A TROGLODYTE, I say!)
4. New York Jets So you got crushed by the Patriots and your season is pretty much over. Whoop-dee-doo. Everyone knows that your game earlier this season against the Patriots was your Super Bowl. And you won that game. So this game was your Pro Bowl. No one cares who wins the Pro Bowl. Congratulations on your world championship and enjoy the off-season.
5. America The holiday season is upon us. Normally, that means you're going to get fat. But not this year. Because this year whenever you get the urge to eat, just check out this video of Bills lineman Eric Wood breaking his leg:
1. Maurice Jones-Drew, RB, Jaguars He had 29 touches on Sunday and only one touchdown. That means he gave himself up 28 times this week 28! before going in the end zone. STOP KILLING MY FANTASY TEAM, YOU DICK!
2. Don Criqui and Randy Cross CBS assigned you to call the Browns-Lions game. Wow. Clearly you are not thought of highly by your employer. And while I have nothing against Don Criqui, I'm glad Randy Cross is a failure. I never cared for his name and how it suggests sexual arousal over crucifixions. Pervert!
3. AFC North Baltimore? Loses to the Colts thanks to The Unibrow Bomber throwing an interception when the Ravens were in range to kick a game-winning field goal.Cleveland? Loses to the Lions. The Lions! After having a 24-3 lead!Cincinnati? Loses to the Raiders. The Raiders! Pittsburgh? Loses to the Chiefs. The Chiefs! The AFC North? Worse than the AFC West. The AFC West!
4. Steelers Nation There were huge sections of empty seats in the upper deck at Arrowhead Stadium on Sunday. You people can't even fill an opposing stadium anymore that's within a 17-hour drive of Pittsburgh? Your team loses a few games and you stop supporting them? I even heard a smattering of cheers in the stadium when the Chiefs won. You can't drown out an entire fan base in their home stadium anymore?Pathetic. Pa-thetic.
5. Larry Johnson Two carries, five yards. And the Bengals lost. To the Raiders. And that's not even the worst of it. Then Johnson gets home, tries to relax, flips on Eagles-Bears and what does he see? A dude's butt.
Not a good day to be a washed-up homophobe.
The Detroit Lions put up big numbers on the Cleveland Browns on Sunday behind a dramatic 32 fantasy point performance from rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford, including a clutch six-point touchdown pass on the game's final play.
Stafford's final touchdown pass, his fifth of the day which took his fantasy points from 26 to 32, came one play after he injured his non-throwing shoulder.
"I really shouldn't have been in there," he said. "I could have suffered long-term damage. But what good does it do anyone to have a backup come in and pick up six fantasy points at the end of the game? No, I needed to finish the job."
The 32 fantasy points more than doubled Stafford's previous career high, a 15-point game against the Redskins in Week 3. And it totaled nearly half of the 74 fantasy points he had earned so far this season through nine weeks.
"Right now I am only owned by 6.8-percent of all users in ESPN fantasy leagues and less than that in Yahoo! leagues," he said. "But I think this game will get me closer to 10-percent. Especially in keeper leagues."
Stafford wasn't the only quarterback to boost his fantasy stock in the game Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn also posted a career-high 28 fantasy points on four touchdown passes and two interceptions. He only had 10 fantasy points all season entering the game.
"Matthew may have come out on top in most leagues, 32-28," said Quinn, owned in less than 3-percent of leagues. "But he had two interceptions and I had none. In fantasy leagues that punish turnovers more, I won. And that makes me feel really good. I just hope I proved to this team today that I have what it takes to be a viable long-term fantasy quarterback."
Browns coach Eric Mangini was also happy with the game.
"It was a good points day for most everyone on our offense except our team defense," he said. "We're making progress."