Filed Under » NFL

WINNERS

1. Tommy Kelly — There are two Tommy Kelly's in sports. One is the former Twins manager who won two World Series titles and happily retired in 2001 at the relatively young age of 51. Also, we never saw his ass. The other is Tommy Kelly of the Raiders. He plays for the Raiders. And we've seen his ass.

So the winner here, of course, is Tommy Kelly: Twins edition. Because he was never associated with the Raiders.

2. Benjamin Brady — Our prince has a name! The son of Thomas Edward Brady, Jr. and Gisele Caroline Bundchen finally has a name: Benjamin Brady! I can't wait to see the movie about his life, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Brady." It will be about a boy whose father lives his football career backwards, going from calm, cool champion at the beginning of his career, to a loser who's prone to rookie mistakes at the end. And, like the movie with the similar name, it will take nine years to watch.

3. Cleveland Browns — Joshua Cribbs, Jerome Harrison … the Browns might actually have some hope! And if they're smart, they'll install an offense to utilize Cribbs and Harrison more. Call it the Not-Brady-Quinn-Cat. Sounds pretty successful to me.

4. Matt Moore — You outplay Brett Favre on national television, you become your team's de facto starter. Of course, when you play for a team whose other quarterback is Jake Delhomme, if you don't die or become paralyzed on national television, you should become your team's starter.

5. Karma — You think Jeff Reed is this generation's "idiot kicker"? Sadly, no. Take Reed's hair, place it inside a person's head where the brain should be, and you have Jay Feely, moron extraordinaire. If you ever wondered what Sarah Palin might sound like if she was stocky and not very good at sports, you need to follow Jay Feely on Twitter. This week on his Twitter page, on the day Chris Henry died, Feely decided to Tweet that Henry basically had it coming. So it was enjoyable to watch on Sunday as karma mishandled a hold on a Feely attempt, pushed another kick wide right, and blocked a third — essentially ending the Jets' playoff hopes. Regardless of political bent, I think we all can agree that Jay Feely is a massive douche. And that if he gets cut, he had it coming.

LOSERS

1. NBCEEIT — Any time there is a close call or replay during Sunday Night Football, NBC dials up their NBCEEIT "technology", a series of massive and extremely blurry photos which are extremely helpful if you are looking for inconclusive evidence. Yet we get Andre Kremer in full 1080p. No wonder NBC is going down the toilet.

2. Gus Johnson — Sorry, Gus. I don't get your allure. You are the boy who screamed wolf. Well, you were the boy who cried wolf. Then yesterday you compared JaMarcus Russell to Johnny Unitas. So now you are the boy who cried: "HEY! LOOK AT ME! I'M A COMPLETE MORON! AND I SHOULD BE RELIEVED OF MY JOB AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!"

3. Mike Tomlin — Your stock has plummeted since the Super Bowl. Not too many people are big fans of your decision to try an onside kick with the lead and 3:58 left in the game. You clearly need to enunciate more, as it seems you accidentally unleashed "What the hell?"

4. Randy Moss — Randy Moss is 32. He is a 12-year veteran. And he makes $9 million a year. And yesterday Moss received effusive praise from announcers for … appearing to try. Randy Moss, MY HERO!

5. Santa — The Tiger Woods case showed me that no one can be trusted. And I'm on to you, Klaus! Don't think I don't know about you and all your goddam WHORES, FAT MAN!

New England Patriots running back Sammy Morris sounded off today, openly admitting that he hopes the now one-loss New Orleans Saints don't match the 18-1 record his Patriots achieved back in 2007.

"We are remembered as the only 18-1 team," said Morris, who joined the Patriots before their historic 2007 season. "Even with the three Super Bowls the Patriots won this decade, when the average fan thinks of this franchise, they first think of 18-1, not championships."

Morris said championships are actually probably fourth, behind 18-1, asterisks and cheating.

"The Patriots would really be a great Family Feud topic," he said.

With the New Orleans Saints now 13-1 following a loss at home to the Cowboys, some have said they are now even more of a sure bet for the Super Bowl.

"This loss can refocus them and remotivate them now that 19-0 isn't a possibility," said NFL Network analyst Steve Mariucci. "I expect them to emerge from this loss stronger than before and win the Super Bowl."

Morris doesn't think that will happen.

"Let me know when they're in my neighborhood, when they're on my street, when they're on my block," he said. "13-1 is a long way from 18-1. Trust me on this. Once you lose once, it's easy to start losing again and again, as our last two seasons have shown. Plus, the Saints' 18-1 wouldn't be the same as ours, because that would mean they won the Super Bowl. We did not, as you may remember. Even if they do get there, I think fans will still think of our 18-1 much more fondly."

1:00 p.m. ET

New England at Buffalo (+6.5)

The Patriots have gone 16-1 over the last 17 games in this series. Since Buffalo doesn't really have anything to play for, they should just let New England win the next two to go 18-1 and then point and laugh.

My pick: Buffalo

Arizona at Detroit (+14)

The Lions have two wins this year, but are they any closer to being even decent than they were during last year's 0-16 season? They still have Calvin Johnson, which is nice. But running back Kevin Smith was lousy before he got hurt. Their defense remains terrible. And Matthew Stafford, Browns game aside, has been pretty bad. So … where does that leave them? Well, they're currently only in line for the fourth overall pick, so no Ndamukong Suh. And with a sure thing gone, they'll probably just take the biggest bust still on the board.

My pick: Arizona

Miami at Tennessee (-5)

If the season ended today, the Dolphins would be in the playoffs. And we can't let that happen. Please, Titans … please win. We beg of you. Nothing against the Dolphins, I like their style of play. But I can't take this:

Or Jimmy Buffet.

Or Marc Anthony.

Or Jennifer Lopez.

I'd rather have Serena Williams shove a tennis ball in my ears.

My pick: Tennessee

Cleveland at Kansas City (-2)

These teams can only embarrass themselves by taking the field. What they should do is decide to just both take a tie — no losers that way — and then invite fans down onto the field to watch a highlights montage of their victories over the Steelers.

My pick: Cleveland (and to win)

Houston at St. Louis (+14)

West Texas A&M alum Keith Null, a Ryan Leaf protege — no, really — threw five interceptions in his NFL debut last week. It reminded me of the Johnny Cash classic that goes: "Out in the West Texas school near El Paso, I throw a ball like a Mexican girl."

My pick: Houston

Atlanta at New York Jets (-7)

Here's the opening paragraph to ESPN.com's preview for this game: "Three wins in a row over struggling opponents have revived the New York Jets'playoff hopes. Getting Mark Sanchezback could help." Hey! Leave some jokes for the rest of us!

My pick: Atlanta

4:05 p.m. ET

Oakland at Denver (-14)

The Raiders have signed J.P. Losman. Poor guy. He went from Tulane to the Bills to the UFL to the Raiders — a downward trajectory the entire way. The only way for him to turn things around at this point might be to do some porn.

My pick: Denver

Cincinnati at San Diego (-7)

The NFL is prepared to fine Chad Ochocinco if he wears No. 15 in honor of Chris Henry. Classy, NFL! Really classy! Anyway, you have been warned, Ochocinco. If you choose to get fined, know you had it coming. Just like Chris Henry — right, Jay Feely?

My pick: San Diego

4:15 p.m. ET

San Francisco at Philadelphia (-7.5)

This game was supposed to start at 1:00 p.m. but got pushed back so stadium workers would have enough time to clear snow from the field. Poor planning. Terrible planning. All they had to do to keep snow off the field was lay one of Andy Reid's windbreakers out on the field before the storm came. Why do I always have to think of everything?

My pick: San Francisco

Green Bay at Pittsburgh (-2)

Really? The Steelers are favored in a football game? Against NFL players? The Steelers — the team that has lost to the Chiefs, Raiders and Browns in recent weeks? I guess it's out of respect for their accomplishments and what they're still capable of. Sports books of Vegas, Ryan Clark does NOT think you are turds!

My pick: Pittsburgh

Tampa Bay at Seattle (-6.5)

Mike Holmgren has turned down an offer to become general manager of the Seahawks. Nice. So he created the turd pile (turds!) that is the Seahawks, left for a few months, and now has decided he wants to be someplace else. He must be a great house guest.

"I'm not flushing that toilet."

"Why? You're the one who filled it."

"I want a new toilet that's not full of this mess."

"Just flush the one you have."

"I will not. Please show me to a new toilet. And give me money."

"Okay. But that one has been full of plenty of turds, too."

"Ahh, but they weren't my turds."

My pick: Seattle

Chicago at Baltimore (-11)

This game was also supposed to be played at 1:00 p.m. but got pushed back due to snow. But who cares about this game. Instead, let's look at some football-related snowman art. Here is the first one. And now, the second. What have we learned, class? Yes, blocks in the back, pass interference, unnecessary roughness … snowmen are very undisciplined football players.

My pick: Baltimore

8:20 p.m. ET

Minnesota at Carolina (+8.5)

Brett Favre: "I don't think I'm falling apart in December like most people seem to think. So I feel fine. I don't feel much different than most guys in that locker room at this stage of the season." Way to throw your teammates under the tractor, Bert. So you're saying your entire team isn't playing well, huh? Same old jerk.

My pick: Minnesota

Monday night

New York Giants at Washington (+3)

You're welcome, Mike Shanahan.

My pick: New York Giants

Saturday night

Dallas at New Orleans (-7.5)

The Cowboys are having another disastrous December. Some people like to make fun of them for this. But I am a giving sort. So I commissioned a song for the Dallas Cowboys.

Stupid British accents. When they say "There won't be playoffs in Dallas" it sounds like "There won't be snow in Africa." And "Win a game" sounds like "Feed the world." But other than that, great job, gents!

Except for you, Bono. "Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you"? Jeez. What a dick. I realize the Cowboys are easy to hate. But that was a little too cruel.

My pick: Dallas

Thursday night

Indianapolis at Jacksonville (+3)

Hey! Exciting news! I got an exclusive interview with Indianapolis Colts head coach Jim Caldwell for this game's preview.

SP: First of all, Coach Caldwell, thank you for your time.

Caldwell:

SP: Okay. Moving right along. Coach, you're 13-0. Three games to go to a possible 16-0. Is that a goal for your team?

Caldwell:

SP: I see. Well, coach, I'll get right to it and ask the question I think we all want to know — are you just a new version of the Tony Dungy robot, pictured here, only without the software program that allows speech?

Caldwell:

SP: Okay. Well, thanks for your time, coach.

Caldwell:

My pick: Indianapolis***

Tebow could fly up Jesus-style and get Jaxson De Ville down.

I can imagine there was a lot of pressure starting to build up in that giant cat's head from hanging upside-down for so long. But no worries. When a mascot's head explodes, brains and blood don't fly everywhere. Blood-soaked confetti does. And that's awesome.

Former Miami Dolphins running back Mercury Morris stated today in a nationally-televised interview today that he hopes your "whore wife" leaves you so that your precious marriage fails, leaving him as the only happy person in America.

"It's nothing against him personally," Morris said about you. "But I really enjoy being happily married and this is something I want to keep for myself. A great marriage means more if you're the only person to have one. That's obvious."

Morris then went on to say that even if your marriage does last, it pales in comparison to his and the struggles he went through to make it work.

"He's ugly, for one," said Morris. "It's not hard to stay married when no one else wants to have sex with you. He's lucky he has a marriage to begin with. Same with his wife, Lard Pants or whatever her name is. She would leave him in a minute if anyone would take her. By the way, Lard Pants, if you're watching, I'll take you if it gets you away from him and ends your marriage. Or I'll give you to Jim Kiick. He was always into fatties."

Morris, a member of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins, also said it's a lot easier to stay married these days than back when he was getting hitched.

"Oh, man, the seventies were something else," he said. "Just free, casual sex anywhere you wanted it. There were times when I returned a kick, came to the sidelines and fell knee-deep into poontang. I'm talking high-quality poon, too. We would use our timeouts just to push the hot, naked women off of us. And women kept themselves in shape back then. Now everyone is fat and you have the AIDS and women wanting you to use condoms … no wonder this guy is staying married. And even if he does stay with his wife, he'll know deep inside that he's not really as happy as I am."

When contacted by a reporter, Morris' wife, Sheila, said their marriage is indeed built to last.

"I sleep around on him, he doesn't know, and I get to live in a nice house," she said. "No way I'm giving this up. Oh, by the way, ever year when Mercury and all the '72 Dolphins get drunk on champagne together after the last undefeated team goes down, they usually start talking about how awesome it is that no one knows they were on steroids."