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WINNERS

1. Jim Sorgi — Peyton Manning's longtime backup gets paid handsomely to do absolutely nothing. But this year he somehow got hurt doing that absolutely nothing. Perhaps he nodded off and fell into his stack of cash, giving himself a series of paper cuts. I don't know. What I do know is that meant Curtis Painter had to fill in on Sunday with 16-0 on the line. And Curtis played like he hails from a long line of painters, not quarterbacks, ruining the Colts' shot at an undefeated season. So it looks like Sorgi's job of not doing anything will not be threatened by this painter. Congrats, Jim. Take yet another day off.

2. Tom Brady — You used to be known as the quarterback who blew a perfect season. That had to be a heavy weight to bear all by yourself. That heavy weight also probably wrinkled your $1,200 shirts. But now Curtis Painter can share some of this notoriety. Maybe he'll also agree to take over your responsibilities as secretary of the Mediocre Big Ten Quarterbacks Association.

3. Curtis Painter — So, yeah, football clearly isn't a career option and, as mentioned, he'll have to fall back on that painting career. But only for now. He has a big future. Really big. Painter was born in Illinois and grew up in Indiana. But if he can learn a British accent, I think he has a career playing villains in movies. Look at those eyes. Classic movie psychopath.

4. Giants Stadium — Yes, the Giants sucked it up to miss out on the playoffs in their final game in the cement ring. And, yes, the Jets have their final game at Giants Stadium next week needing a win in primetime to make the playoffs. And, being the Jets, they'll probably fail miserably, too. But consider this: one week to go before you'll never have your walls pissed on again.

5. All of us — Thanks to this. He learned it from watching you, Shockey. He learned it … from watching … you.

LOSERS

1. Keith Brooking — Yeah, I don't really have to explain why he finds himself in this category:

Yeah, it's that haircut. But the pathetically awful speech doesn't help either.

Who's the ginger McQuistan that comes in at the end? I think he was standing off to the side like this guy saying: "Worst. Motivational speech. Ever." (I imagine that McQuistan had a rough childhood. "Hey, McQueefstain! Nice hair!")

2. John Fox — Nice job keeping Matt Moore on the bench all season in favor of Jake "One of the Worse Quarterbacks Ever" Delhomme (sometimes nicknames need to be more descriptive than clever), thereby killing your team's playoff chances. Even Jeff Fisher thinks you are too loyal to crap quarterbacks. Oh, what's this? North Carolina resident Bill Cowher wants to coach again? Ooh. Tough break for you. Maybe Fox can takeover Cowher's part-time job as bandwagon siren jockey:

3. Randy Moss supporters — After his three touchdown performance against the Jaguars, Moss admitted his recent performance against the Panthers in which he was accused of loafing "wasn't too hot." So everyone who came out in support of Moss after that game, yeah … you're dumb. But don't feel bad. We already knew you were.

4. Subway Jared — Not only did your beloved Colts lose, not only are you still fat, but you're no longer the only crap food diet spokesman. That's right, Taco Bell has a girl now. And she's much more pleasant to look at than you. Best of all: she's not one of the most annoying people in the world (after only Michael Strahan and Justin Tuck).

5. Peyton Manning — This is why player-coaches can't work in the NFL. He clearly wanted to be in the game and go for 16-0. Why delegate a decision that big to his assistant, Jim Caldwell? You only have yourself to blame, Peyton. There goes my vote for you for Coach of the Year.

1:00 p.m. ET

Buffalo at Atlanta (-9)

We have only two games left in the Terrell Owens Era in Buffalo. If he's going to single-handedly destroy the team's chances at a winning season, he better get crackin'!

My pick: Atlanta

Kansas City at Cincinnati (-13.5)

In the hustle and bustle of the holidays, some things slip through the cracks. That's why I want to commend USA Today for their cover headline last Monday — "Another heartbreaker" — in regards to the Bengals losing to the Chargers after Chris Henry's death. That is some impressive work. Even epic prick Jay Feely usually needs 140 characters to write something that stupid.

My pick: Cincinnati

Oakland at Cleveland (-3)

The Raiders are getting there. They are not anywhere near the Commitment to Excellence level, of course. But on the Commitment to Excrement to Commitment to Excellence scale, I'd say they're around the middle — about Commitment to Existentialism. They know their seasons are still meaningless. But they'll make the best of them.

My pick: Cleveland

Seattle at Green Bay (-14)

Since it appears that the Mora's become worse and worse coaches as the family line extends, it's quite obvious that Jim Mora, III will be the worst coach ever. That's why I've started working on a screenplay, inspired by Terminator, in which fans from the future come back to the present day to destroy the Mora line. So far I have "Time travel?! You want to talk about time travel?" And I'm stuck there.

My pick: Green Bay***

Houston at Miami (-1.5)

The loser of this game will likely see their playoff chances end. The winner, too. Because the winner might make the playoffs and … well, these are mediocre 7-7 teams. The playoffs are not kind to such teams.

My pick: Miami

Jacksonville at New England (-10)

Prediction: The Jaguars will have one of their biggest home crowds of the season this week.

My pick: New England

Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-14)

This talk of the Saints as "America's Team" is off the charts absurd. Fans of the Saints do not exist outside of the Gulf Coast. HOWEVER … that does not mean we all didn't suffer greatly from their loss last week. Because the Saints lost in a game in which Jeremy Shockey didn't play. So now Shockey can tell himself it was because he didn't play. And when douchebags lose, we all lose.

My pick: New Orleans

Carolina at New York Giants (-7.5)

Statistically, Eli Manning is having the best season of his career. However, on my Eli Manning Does (And Always Will) Suck Rating Scale, he still rates a perfect 164.3.

My pick: New York Giants***

Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-3)

People are suddenly shocked that with a win today the Steelers may very well control their playoff destiny. Duh! I was saying before the season even started that they controlled their playoff destiny. Sometimes it's exhausting to be so smart.

My pick: Pittsburgh

4:05 p.m. ET

St. Louis at Arizona (-14.5)

The Cardinals have looked like crap coming down the stretch. Looks like they're a lock for the Super Bowl again.

My pick: Arizona***

Detroit at San Francisco (-14)

It's been a tough week for Alex Smith. He threw a bunch of interceptions against the Eagles to end San Francisco's playoff hopes. And then TLC passed on his pilot "Little Hands, Big Job."

My pick: San Francisco

4:15 p.m. ET

New York Jets at Indianapolis (-4)

The Colts plan to rest several injured starters. Whereas the Jets plan to play all their starters. Which pretty much ends their chances. You know, what with Mark Sanchez being a starter.

My pick: Indianapolis

Denver at Philadelphia (-7)

Playing in Philadelphia is big for Broncos safety Brian Dawkins — or B-Dawk as he is called. And that's understandable. Of course he would feel a great bond to a city that bestowed upon him such a creative nickname. I still don't understand what it means. But it's PLENTY CREATIVE!

My pick: Philadelphia

8:20 p.m. ET

Dallas at Washington (+7)

It's pointless for me to even attempt to top comedic genius like this:

My pick: Dallas***

Monday night

Minnesota at Chicago (+7)

Let's just relax about this Brett Favre, Brad Childress thing. It could be a lot worse. For example, in Chicago, Jay Cutler keeps audibling to interceptions.

My pick: Minnesota

Christmas Night

San Diego at Tennessee (-3)

You might not want to watch this game with kids around. Philip Rivers strikes me as the kind of guy who would love to tell kids that Santa doesn't exist. Yes, because he bears a striking resemblance to this guy.

But more because he just seems like a dick.

Or maybe I have this all wrong. Maybe Rivers isn't The Grinch. Maybe Rivers is the one who was tormented by The Grinch. The Grinch Who Stole A Proper Throwing Motion. Philip Rivers was the quarterback of Whoville and The Grinch stole his throwing motion leaving him with crap. But then The Grinch saw Rivers still put up big numbers by throwing that way, as well as Vince Young winning with his motion, and learned that there is more than looking good to playing quarterback. Yes, that must be it. How heart-warming.

But still, don't let any kids watch this game. Heart-warming or not, you really don't want them to throw like that.

My pick: San Diego (and to win)

Little Eli Manning threw a tantrum on the Manning Family's living room floor Christmas morning after all the gifts were opened and he realized he wasn't getting the one present he told Santa he wanted most — a new Plaxico Burress.

"I want a Plaxico! AHHHHHHHH!" Manning screamed, crying and kicking and pounding at the floor. "AHHHHHHHHH! I want one NOW! Gimme a Plaxico!"

The boy's mother, Olivia, tried to calm her son by saying he might be able to get a Plaxico next year with early parole.

"Honey, I told you that you might not get a new Plaxico this year, sweetie," she said, rubbing Eli's back as tears streamed down his face. "I know it's hard for you to not have your Plaxico. But look at all the great stuff you got — a Zhu Zhu pet, some trucks, a sweater, a Domenik Hixon. It's not all bad."

But the youngest Manning could not be consoled.

"I wanted a Plaaaaaaxico-o-o-o," he sobbed, barely getting the words out through his tears. "I wanted to throw the ball way into the air and have him catch it. All my receivers are short."

Thankfully Eli finally stopped crying after his big brother Peyton let him play with his Austin Collie for a while.

Yes, Philadelphia Eagles fan Brett Tompkins penetrated a Santa Claus against its will on Sunday in the Lincoln Financial Field parking lot. But Tompkins says people need to understand there's a lot more to the story than that.

"Oh, jeez. Here we go again with people bringing that up," said a clearly perturbed Tompkins, talking between sets at a suburban Philadelphia gym this afternoon. "First the cops, now you. It was three goddam days ago, okay? Three goddam days. Get over it. Move on. This is only getting attention because an Eagles fan raped Santa Claus. It probably happened in every other stadium this week."

According to security reports from the other 16 NFL venues in use on Sunday, no other incidents of Santa rape were reported. Nor were even any incidents of Santa-related crime.

"Sure. Whatever," said Tompkins. "Look. The f—king guy was asking for it. You don't walk around in the upper deck at The Linc dressed up like that and expect to not get raped. You're asking for it. It would almost be wrong to not rape him. And then when I see Santa out in the parking lot standing by some red pot and asking for money, well … clearly he was some kind of prostitute or something. So I decided he should give me a freebie. I made Santa squeal like Tony Homo. E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!" he added, his chant joinedenthusiastically by everyone at the gym.

And while Tompkins says his incident with Santa is getting unfair attention from the media, his bench partner, Tony Shett, says there should be no confusion about what went down.

"We get unfairly painted as drunks and thugs," said Shett. "But don't get it wrong, bro. We will f—king drink any other fan base under the table and then kick their ass, too. We got a reputation to uphold."

Unable to think of an effective game plan for Kansas City’s upcoming game against the Bengals, Chiefs head coach Todd Haley decided to just tell his team today that the outcome of the game will come down to who wants it more.

“It’s that simple, men,” said Haley. “The team that goes out onto that field and gives it their all will win the game. The team that holds something back and doesn’t lay it on the line? They will lose. It's not complicated.”

Haley then walked out of the locker room and took a four-hour nap in his office. But his message worked.

“Coach knows what he’s talking about,” said quarterback Matt Cassel. “This is our fifteenth game of the season. There’s nothing new we can put into the game plan. No, this will be all about desire. What a great coach.”

“I think they bought it,” said Haley. “Which is outstanding. Because now I pretty much have the rest of the week off and I can finish my Christmas shopping.”

Haley said he briefly considered trying to come up with a unique approach to playing the first place Bengals, but quickly realized it would be too much work.

“I've tried that before this season and we've only gotten crushed,” he said. “Do you have any idea the time it would take to watch all their game film, just to find one or two ways we can tweak our approach or to discover where they might have a weakness? No, thank you. This is my first year on the job and I'm exhausted. A coach can only do so much. It’s on them now.”

Linebacker Tamba Hali says the team won't let Haley down.

“He is putting his faith in us,” said Hali. “So we have to dig even deeper, give 120-percent. It will be a battle of wills. Wooooo!”

Haley isn't worried.

“Hey, the pressure is off of me,” he said. “If we lose, I can just say that they didn’t execute the game plan. I’m golden either way.”

WINNERS

1. Tommy Kelly — There are two Tommy Kelly's in sports. One is the former Twins manager who won two World Series titles and happily retired in 2001 at the relatively young age of 51. Also, we never saw his ass. The other is Tommy Kelly of the Raiders. He plays for the Raiders. And we've seen his ass.

So the winner here, of course, is Tommy Kelly: Twins edition. Because he was never associated with the Raiders.

2. Benjamin Brady — Our prince has a name! The son of Thomas Edward Brady, Jr. and Gisele Caroline Bundchen finally has a name: Benjamin Brady! I can't wait to see the movie about his life, "The Curious Case of Benjamin Brady." It will be about a boy whose father lives his football career backwards, going from calm, cool champion at the beginning of his career, to a loser who's prone to rookie mistakes at the end. And, like the movie with the similar name, it will take nine years to watch.

3. Cleveland Browns — Joshua Cribbs, Jerome Harrison … the Browns might actually have some hope! And if they're smart, they'll install an offense to utilize Cribbs and Harrison more. Call it the Not-Brady-Quinn-Cat. Sounds pretty successful to me.

4. Matt Moore — You outplay Brett Favre on national television, you become your team's de facto starter. Of course, when you play for a team whose other quarterback is Jake Delhomme, if you don't die or become paralyzed on national television, you should become your team's starter.

5. Karma — You think Jeff Reed is this generation's "idiot kicker"? Sadly, no. Take Reed's hair, place it inside a person's head where the brain should be, and you have Jay Feely, moron extraordinaire. If you ever wondered what Sarah Palin might sound like if she was stocky and not very good at sports, you need to follow Jay Feely on Twitter. This week on his Twitter page, on the day Chris Henry died, Feely decided to Tweet that Henry basically had it coming. So it was enjoyable to watch on Sunday as karma mishandled a hold on a Feely attempt, pushed another kick wide right, and blocked a third — essentially ending the Jets' playoff hopes. Regardless of political bent, I think we all can agree that Jay Feely is a massive douche. And that if he gets cut, he had it coming.

LOSERS

1. NBCEEIT — Any time there is a close call or replay during Sunday Night Football, NBC dials up their NBCEEIT "technology", a series of massive and extremely blurry photos which are extremely helpful if you are looking for inconclusive evidence. Yet we get Andre Kremer in full 1080p. No wonder NBC is going down the toilet.

2. Gus Johnson — Sorry, Gus. I don't get your allure. You are the boy who screamed wolf. Well, you were the boy who cried wolf. Then yesterday you compared JaMarcus Russell to Johnny Unitas. So now you are the boy who cried: "HEY! LOOK AT ME! I'M A COMPLETE MORON! AND I SHOULD BE RELIEVED OF MY JOB AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!"

3. Mike Tomlin — Your stock has plummeted since the Super Bowl. Not too many people are big fans of your decision to try an onside kick with the lead and 3:58 left in the game. You clearly need to enunciate more, as it seems you accidentally unleashed "What the hell?"

4. Randy Moss — Randy Moss is 32. He is a 12-year veteran. And he makes $9 million a year. And yesterday Moss received effusive praise from announcers for … appearing to try. Randy Moss, MY HERO!

5. Santa — The Tiger Woods case showed me that no one can be trusted. And I'm on to you, Klaus! Don't think I don't know about you and all your goddam WHORES, FAT MAN!