Our reporter spent the day at Washington Redskins training camp in Ashburn, Virginia. Here are his notes.
The New York Giants medical staff came back from another round of tests on quarterback Eli Manning this morning unsure if the signal caller is experiencing symptoms of a concussion or just being his regular stupid self.
“It’s tough to say at this point”, said team doctor Mike Woolcott. “We’ve been asking him simple questions that any human being with a below average IQ would know –What’s your name? Where are you? Who’s the president? and he answered them all incorrectly. The problem is we’re pretty sure he didn’t know those answers before the hit.”
Doctors say that on Monday afternoon Manning was absent-mindedly walking into walls and saying nonsensical things, but no one on the staff seemed to notice or care.
Explained head coach Tom Coughlin, “Eli skips down the halls singing ‘Im A Little Teapot’ all the time, so this is nothing new for us. In fact, I’d say the best indication that he suffered a head injury would be if he wasn’t acting like a two year-old.”
The Giants plan to continue monitoring the quarterback, just like they normally do due to his habit of licking electrical outlets.
“This isn’t the first time we’ve been confused by an athlete’s behavior,” added Coughlin. “In 2008 we assumed Jared Lorenzen’s weight was due to him being lazy and eating all the time, so we tested him for marijuana every day. Turns out he was just a fat f*ck.”
The ProStars cartoon aired only 14 episodes during its television run from September to December 1991. But many more episodes of the Michael Jordan, Bo Jackson and Wayne Gretzky crime-fighting cartoon were shot that never made it to air.
Here are a few.
Eli: Hey! Everybody! There’s ketchup on my face. How did I get ketchup on my face?!
Trainer: That’s not ketchup Eli.
Eli: Is it strawberry jam? I like strawberry jam.
Trainer: No. It’s not strawberry jam either.
Eli: Well what is it? I’m hungry for a snack now. Mom said I couldn’t eat before the game because I’d get a tummy ache. Do you have any Lunchables?
Trainer: Not right now. I have to take care of your head.
Eli: What’s wrong with it?
Trainer: Well, Eli. I don’t know how to tell you this, but … your head is bleeding. Your head is covered in blood, not ketchup or strawberry jam.
Eli: What’s blood?
Trainer: Well … it’s a liquid that circulates through your arteries and veins and brings oxygen and nutrients to tissue.
Eli: Ketchup has nutrients.
Trainer: Yes. I suppose it does.
Eli: Can I have a snack now?
Trainer: Not yet. I’m still working on your head.
Eli: I’m glad it’s blood and not ketchup. I spilled a plate of fish sticks last week and got ketchup all over the carpet. Mom didn’t let me watch Dora. Can you tell her that this is blood and not ketchup?
Eli: Can I have a snack now?
Trainer: Almost. I just have to finish these stitches. I have to say, Eli, you’re being very brave about this! You’re becoming a big boy!
Eli: Thanks. That’s what my mom said when I woke up this morning and found mayonnaise in my Toy Story underwear.
Our reporter spent the day at New Orleans training camp in Metairie, Louisiana. Here are his notes.
According to Mayan researchers at the University of Texas at Austin, the ancient civilization's NFL schedule runs out after the upcoming 2010 season, making it yet another sign that there will be no NFL season in 2011.
"It is amazing that this went unnoticed for thousands of years," said Dr. Cliff Engstadt, the director of the school's Mesoamerican Studies Center. "But following Super Bowl 45 on February 11, 2011 in Arlington, there is no other mention of professional football being played in the United States that year, save the UFL and the Arena League."
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell dismissed the importance of the Mayan schedule, but warned that the players would have to make significant concessions to get the league finances in-line to avoid the fate foretold by the ancient civilization.
"For all the great accomplishments of the Mayan civilization, from language and tools to architecture and astronomy," said Goodell, "they never achieved much in the form of collective bargaining, nor did they have many labor attorneys of note. I am confident we can get something done for the benefit of the owners, players and, most of all, our fans."
In addition to restructuring the collective bargaining agreement to funnel more money to the league and team owners, Goodell also plans to introduce tougher concussion standards as well as an 18-game schedule.
Dr. Engstadt says the Mayans predict all of that will happen in time for a 2012 season.
"But then, of course, the world will end before the 2012 season finishes," he said. "Because, and I'm translating exactly here from these ancient documents: 'An 18-game season is a totally stupid idea.'"
HBO has debuted it’s new season of “Hard Knocks,” this year focusing on the New York Jets.
Almost every show on HBO is already about the New York Jets.
“Deadwood” – A foul-mouthed man with a troubled past runs things in a town full of unsavory characters.
Alternate title: “Rex Ryan and the New-Look Jets”
“Big Love” – A man juggles relationships with numerous women while trying to forge a career in a competitive and high-stakes career.
Alternate title: “The Mark Sanchez Story”
“Hung” – A man with a large penis decides to share it with the world.
Alternate title: “Santonio and The Cell Phone Camera”
“Six Feet Under” – A family learns about life and love through the prism of death.
Alternate title: “A Family of Jets Fans Watches Another Disappointing Season”
“Sopranos” – A charismatic fat man struggles to lead the family business.
Alternate title: “Ryans”
“Entourage” – A bunch of overrated douchebags live it up.
Alternate title: “Braylon Edwards and His Friends”
“Tales From The Crypt” – A rotten corpse hosts terrifying tales.
Alternate title: “Mark Brunell’s Stories of the Redskins”
“Real Sex” – A look at truly amazing sexual lifestyles.
Alternate title: “The Life And Times of Antonio Cromartie”
“Arli$$” – A completely awful pile of crap that may have a few moments of humor but is mostly just depressing and soul-crushing to watch.
Alternate title: “The History of the New York Jets”