This guy is a veteran who often has been talked about as one of the best in the sport, but he has yet to get "a ring." Winning one will forever clinch his greatness and make him a lock for the Hall of Fame. And if he loses? TOTAL FAILURE. His whole life was a WASTE! This may have been his LAST CHANCE!
Granted, football is a team sport so unlike in tennis or golf, a player can be an all-time great even without a championship, but just go with it, okay? There are two weeks of pregame coverage to fill.
2. The Possible Arrest Distraction
If you had to pick one guy on the roster you fear will cause a big distraction for your team the night before the Super Bowl by getting nabbed with a bunch of hookers or doing some cocaine-fueled murder, he's the guy. The lure of a week of Super Bowl parties draws him in like a drunk moth to the flame. He's the one player the coaches will actually check on at curfew time.
3. The Heart-Wrenching Story
His mom died. Or his dad. Or his mom and dad. Or his mom and dad and wife and kids and neighbors and pets. And it all happened last week or last month or 20 years ago. It doesn't matter. It happened and his life story will now be fodder for a soft-focus sit-down interview with piano music in the background. And what will make the pain of the death of his mom, dad, wife, kids, neighbors and pets go away? Why, a Super Bowl title, of course. That's the only way to overcome grief.
News David Akers Attempting to Trademark "Akersing": Missing a Game-Winning Field Goal in the Super Bowl
"I see this as a win-win for me," said Akers. "There's a chance, a very slim chance, that I could make all my kicks in the Super Bowl and I don't become an enduring symbol of sports failure and hated by everyone in Northern California. That would be great. Or, I could continue to stink, lose the Super Bowl for the 49ers and, on the positive side, make a fortune off of the term Akersing."
Akers says he consulted with former Buffalo Bills kicker Scott Norwood, who missed a 47-yard field goal for the Bills at the end of Super Bowl XXV, for advice.
"I still wish I had trademarked Norwooding, but that isn't something players did back in my day," said Norwood. "I could have made a lot of money off of it money I could have used to hire security or re-landscape my lawn after Bills fans destroyed it."
Norwood hopes Akers won't suffer his fate.
"My life has been hell since 1991. And all I did was miss a 47-yard field goal," said Norwood. "David would have it much worse. I can see him missing a 27-yarder. Maybe a few extra points, too. It will be rough."
"It was a tough decision, but the right one," said coach John Harbaugh. "Don't get me wrong, we love the guy and wish him well in his future endeavors, but we've got a big game coming up and need our focus on San Fran."
Harbaugh went on to mention how Lewis was a great teammate and only ever did what was asked of him.
"Ray's a champ. I mean, what can I say about Ray that hasn't already been said hundreds of times these past few weeks? But that's exactly why we are where we are right now. We are a team, not just one player."
Lewis, the 13-time Pro Bowler and seven-time First-Team All-Pro middle linebacker, spent his entire 17-year career in Baltimore, spanning a team record 227 games, but has just one lone Super Bowl appearance to show for it.
"And that's why he should understand the importance of this situation more than anybody; he knows how hard it is to get to one of these things," continued Harbaugh. "You don't wanna mess it up."
Opinion If Athlete Ads Were Honest
"Everyone, I'm sorry," said commissioner Roger Goddell, "but the term Super whoops, we have to pay him $50 million if we use that. So, I mean what we used to call The Big Game is now owned by Don's Super Bowl of Flint, Michigan."
Don's, a bowling alley operated by Flint native Don Smith, has had the "Super Bowl" name since 1943. While the league was unaware of the alley, Smith was reportedly biding his time until the rights lapsed.
"Yeah, every day I'd read that newspaper, hoping to see that the NFL was trying to renew the rights. But I never saw anything about it for a long time, until recently. I read somewhere that the league let the rights to the name lapse, so I snatched it up. Let me tell ya it's been a pretty sweet deal so far."
In an attempt to coerce him into relinquishing the rights, the NFL has offered him such perks as four free Big Game XLVII tickets, a large amount of NFL memorabilia, the chance to have a stadium or trophy named after him, personal use of Tim Tebow, and ownership of the Cleveland Browns.
It needs to be hooked up to a hose for a real-life crying effect.
All JaMarcus Russell news is sponsored by food or cough syrup.
"Yeah, me and that fat shitstain of a twin brother of mine, Rob, are going to hang out this weekend," said New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan. "We'll probably shoot some pool, go to Hooters and maybe fire up the ol' Nintendo."
Rex Ryan says he had a Nintendo at his "bitchin' pad" back when he was defensive coordinator at Morehead State from 1990 to 1993.
"Late 20s, one bedroom apartment in Morehead, Kentucky, cable TV with the nudie channels, a Nintendo," he said. "Yeah, I was living the life. My dickhead brother was at Tennessee State then and he'd pop over on free weekends and we'd go all out on Tecmo Bowl from morning to night."
Rob Ryan says the Harbaugh brothers are getting all the coaching attention right now, but he knows the Ryans are the best.
"You want to know how I knew I was the best defensive mind in the game?" asked the unemployed Rob Ryan, sitting shirtless on his brother's couch. "I beat Rex one day and he had Bo Jackson and the Raiders."
Her nephew must be very proud.