Joe Flacco's "World's Best" Pizza
1. Get an average pizza delivered.
3. Tell everyone it's the best pizza.
4. Hope they believe it.
5. Ask everyone to pay more than the pizza is worth.
Ray Rice's Delicious Production Pizza
1. Take Joe Flacco's plain pizza out of the trash.
2. Add delicious toppings to it.
4. Listen to people talk about how Joe Flacco is an ELITE chef.
"You always have to look to improve and you can't make decisions based on loyalty and emotion. This is a business," Ravens general manager Ozzie Newsome is quoted in a report. "As long as contract negotiations with Elvis Grbac go as planned, Super Bowl XLVII will be Joe Flacco's last game as the starting quarterback of the Baltimore Ravens."
Newsome said he wished Flacco well and appreciated his service to the team, but the GM also stated he "shared the near-universal opinion in football that the quarterback position with Joe at the controls has long held us back, this blip over the last three games notwithstanding."
Grbac has quarterbacked the Ravens before, taking over for Trent Dilfer after the Ravens won Super Bowl XXXV. The 42 year-old, whose career bests in single-season yardage, touchdown passes and passer rating best the career highs of Flacco, says he has unfinished business in Baltimore.
"It's time that a quarterback comes in here and provides leadership, a go-to guy, a vertical passing game," he said. "This is a great team. I can make it better."
Gallery January's Funniest Sports Photos
"We've always dreamed of coaching in a Super Bowl," said Kevin, 11, older brother of Jeff, age nine. "We always pretend coach in the backyard, going through game scenarios and calling timeouts. It's so much fun."
Jeff says he believes the brothers' dream will one day come true.
"My mom says that dreams even ones that people call lame or depressing or weird can come true if you really believe and work hard," the boy said. "She told me that right after I tried out for head coach of my 8-to-10 year-old football team."
"They were the first boys to ever try out for coach," said the boys' mother, Cheryl. "I mean, obviously, right? Because it's weird. But I asked the coach if there was any way he could use them as assistants, and he eventually agreed."
The two boys, who are believed to be the only people to ever ask for EA Sports' "NFL Head Coach" game for Christmas, now stand on the sidelines holding clipboards and markers while their peers play.
"What kind of weirdo dreams of being a coach one day?" said the team's head coach, Chuck Riley. "I wanted to be a quarterback when I was their age. And a star quarterback, too, not the kind that Jim Harbaugh was. To be honest, Kip and John or whatever those kids' names are creep the hell out of me. But I let them help out with the team because I don't want to get sued for discriminating against disabled kids. I assume they're disabled, right?"
1. Joe Flacco sucks.
Stop trying to convince yourself that he's good. He's not. Deep-down Ravens fans know it, too. They've seen him constantly overthrow receivers and fumble late in games for five years. Five years. The same people who are telling you he's ELITE now wanted him thrown out of town six weeks ago. And for good reason, too: because Joe Flacco sucks. Three good games in a row aided by a complete Denver collapse in the secondary doesn't change that. All it means is that his next game, the Super Bowl, is going to be a dramatic regression to the mean. (That's fancy talk for 147 yards passing and four turnovers.) Not a single person in America (outside of Joe Flacco) will be surprised when WHEN this happens.
2. John Harbaugh sucks.
This guy has never garnered a ton of accolades for his strategy or game management. Or any accolades, actually. That's why every Baltimore season since his arrival has ended with him walking off the field with a dumbass confused look on his face. He does a fine job when it comes to motivating today's modern moron athlete with stupid cliches and claims of disrespect and no one believing in them, but anyone can do that. Jim Harbaugh was the better athlete. Jim Harbaugh is the better coach. There's no debating this. The Ravens enter the Super Bowl with the crap Harbaugh brother. Too bad.
3. Ray Lewis sucks.
And he has for a while. "But he has so many tackles in the playoffs!" The tackle stat for linebackers is a joke. Remember when Lewis used to stuff ball carriers at the line of scrimmage? You do? Wow. You have a very long memory. Because based on watching games during the Obama administration, Lewis' "tackles" now come from getting pushed backwards onto a running back six yards down the field. What a warrior! But now his slow ass is going to try to chase down Colin Kaepernick? Excuse me while I coat myself in deer antler spray in hopes it will give me enough strength to stifle my laughter.
1. Colin Kaepernick is going to crap all over himself.
Yes, Colin Kaepernick is exciting and talented. Yes, he has a bright future. But quarterbacks don't just show up and suddenly win a Super Bowl. It just doesn't happen. He's going to take the field in the first quarter of Super Bowl XLVII, line up to take the snap and look across the line and see Ray Lewis frothing deer antler spray and the hideous piranha face of Terrell Suggs and realize they intend to kill him. And then he'll realize that he's playing on worldwide television in front of more than 100 million people. And then he'll realize that just two years ago he was playing for freaking Nevada on Fox Sports Southwest against teams like Idaho and Utah State and that none of their defensive players were insane or heard voices from God or had been charged with double murder. And then he will realize there is crap in his pants. And then later he will realize he's thrown another pick-six and is losing 31-3 and it's not halftime yet.
2. Jim Harbaugh is massively overrated.
Jim Harbaugh is seen as the new football coaching hotness, but what has he really accomplished as a coach? Are you impressed by the FCS Pioneer League titles with the University of San Diego Toreros? Is it that Orange Bowl win over mighty Virginia Tech? Harbaugh couldn't even beat his idiot older brother John last year in the first Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh matchup, losing 16-6. People think Jim Harbaugh's yelling and screaming shows he is intense and dedicated to winning. No. Sometimes animals just yell and scream because they're confused and scared and dumb. Jim Harbaugh is basically a monkey stuck in a box.
3. The 49ers haven't beaten anyone.
The last time the 49ers played against an actual NFL defense back on December 23rd, they lost 42-13 to the Seahawks. That's what happens to their pistoly read option gimmick-fest when they face professional-quality defensive players. Since then they've lit up the Packers whose defense is composed of extras from Aaron Rodgers commercials and the Falcons, who spend their free time on a corner in a bad part of town, blowing leads for money. The 49ers will go into shock and pass out when they discover the Ravens intend to, you know, try to tackle them.
News Roger Goodell Accepts Invitation to Speak at a New Orleans Dark Alley "That is totally not a trap"
"I'm really excited," said Goodell before leaving. "I haven't exactly had the warmest welcome here in New Orleans due to all of the fallout from the bounty stuff, so I'm glad to see that maybe Saints fans are moving past it."
Goodell received a note, written ransom note style, under his hotel door this morning. It read:
You are invited to speak at an alley near Bourbon and St. Ann Streets on Thursday at 12 noon SHARP. Come alone.
This is totally not a trap or anything.
Signed, Really nice and safe people who wish you no harm
"It seemed nice and welcoming to me," the commissioner said of the note. "Most of the packages outside my door this week have been ticking or have powder all over them. I was happy to get one that wasn't dangerous."
Yeah, it's attractive females.
Sports media: asleep at the wheel on steroids since 1990.