"Everyone kind of blows," said a source on the committee. "The No. 1 team loses every week. Every week. A fourth-ranked Michigan team just lost to Penn State, a team who was winless in the conference. I mean, come on. Do you really think any team in the country deserves a 1-seed or anything even close to that? Of course not."
Several members of the committee were adamant that no team be given a seed higher than No. 9, but they were outvoted and the cutoff line was set at No. 4. For now, at least. There was also unanimous concern among all members that they didn't want to have the first-ever 16-seed upset of a No. 1 simply due to watered down state of college basketball.
"If and when that happens one day, it will be exciting," said a committee member. "But we want it to be a legit upset. This year, you could see a 16-seed enter a game against a top seed as a slight favorite because the whole of the sport is an evenly mixed crap stew. No one wants to see history made that way."
"We're just not sure an NFL locker room is ready for, you know one of those," said one NFL personnel director. "We need to know what we could possibly be faced with if he comes out or whatever. I know I would feel a lot more comfortable drafting him if he had a date rape or sexual assault on his record. And to be clear: a rape or sexual assault of a female. Not a male. Definitely not to a male. That would be gross."
That feeling is shared by many throughout the league. Several teams asked Te'o to prove that he is heterosexual.
"I interviewed Manti and wanted to get to that issue without being too direct about it. You know, have to be politically correct or whatever these days," said a scout. "So I called my secretary in and told Manti to grab her ass and say degrading things to her. He refused. So, yeah, that really raised some red flags for me."
"Yes! I can't wait to play for the Chiefs!" Smith exclaimed when told of the trade.
"Son of a BITCH," he added, when informed of the full details of trade.
San Francisco head coach Jim Harbaugh said the deal was just too good to pass up.
"It was completely worth it for the look on Alex's face when I told him he was traded to the Chiefs he was so excited only to then tell him that Colin was going, too," said Harbaugh. "I will never forget the look of joy to complete depression in a moment. So hilarious. It made my day."
Harbaugh admits that including his young starting quarterback in the trade will likely hurt his team in the short-run.
"But, hey, we didn't win the Super Bowl with Colin anyway, so I felt that screwing with Alex like this would be the perfect way to get us over that loss and get us laughing and having fun again," said the coach. "And it was. Seriously, you should have seen the look on Alex's face. I hope someone got a picture of it. Priceless."
Miami's Giancarlo Stanton fouled off a pitch in on the hands in the fourth inning, shattering the bat and forcing the team to complete the game using just the handle. Following the game, the team decided it would cease all operations until they can get a new bat or a used, but intact bat, as was the case with the team's previous model.
"All we can do right now is wait and hope for the best," said manager Mike Redmond. "I've put in a request to Mr. Loria for a new bat. We'll see what happens."
It's unlikely Redmond's request was met positively by Jeffrey Loria, the team owner. Wooden baseball bats, even used ones, cost in the tens of dollars. This fact is why Loria gave the team explicit instructions on the first day of spring training not to break the bat. "This is the only one you're getting all season," he reportedly told the team. "You need to learn how to respect property. Money doesn't grow on trees."
During that same address, Loria informed his players they would be getting paid this season in leaves.
"Jus gimme one sec ," said Te'o, with a pained expression on his face and his chest heaving. "Ahhh I need a few minutes."
Te'o's time was one of the slowest among all linebackers at the Combine and drew disappointed looks from coaches and scouts sitting around the field.
"I can explain ," Te'o muttered, now laying on his back with his arms and legs outstretched. "I just need some water please water."
With a poor performance at the Combine on the heels of questions about his intelligence due to being "catfished" by a fake girlfriend and playing horribly in the BCS title game, Te'o will now have to address many doubts teams have about him. And that's something he plans to do.
"Mmmm. Is this bread? This looks like bread," witnesses say the noted moron said at his seat in the exam room. "Manti hungry. I eat this bread."
Te'o then balled the exam up and began gnawing on it.
"Ouch! Bread bite Manti!" the linebacker exclaimed after he bit his own hand. "No, bread! Why so tasty yet so mean!"
After consuming his exam, Te'o reached for another prospect's exam, but got his hand slapped and recoiled. He then stared out the window and picked his nose until the exam time ended.
"I don't want to make this out to be just any other race," said NASCAR president Mike Helton. "This could be really big for us. I think Jimmie could bring in the male demo and grow the sport among men, making NASCAR bigger and better than ever."
Johnson said after his victory that he is more than happy to take on the pressure.
"I won't claim to speak for all men and I won't claim to represent all men," he said. "But I think I showed today that men can compete in auto racing and I hope I inspired a lot of boys out there to get into this sport. Maybe in the future we'll see men in the victory circle all the time."
Perhaps overshadowed by Johnson's victory was the fact that men finished in the first seven spots in the Daytona 500, with no women placing until Danica Patrick in eighth.
"Women have always heard how we're not big enough or strong enough to compete with men in sports and that we can't drive cars," said Patrick. "I want to be the one who proves to the world that women can drive cars."
In fact, women can drive cars in the United States and in every other country in the world, as well.
"I don't know about that," said Patrick. "If that were true, I wouldn't be so inspirational. No, I'm pretty sure car driving is not a thing most women are allowed to do."
According to studies, more women than men have drivers licenses in the United States.
"Look, if you go and stand by a road, I'm sure you'll see some cars not driven by women," said Patrick. "That's because not all women believe they can drive cars. But I'm out to prove that they can. So there."
"He got bail? You've got to be kidding me. Pistorius is guilty as hell," wrote Kevin Grasmani on Facebook. Grasmani lists his age as 37 and his employment as a data entry manager at a consulting company in Columbia, Maryland, and left the comment on his Facebook page at 9:58 a.m. this morning.
The man's comment generated two "likes" on his Facebook page from his 217 friends and one response, from Ryan Stennett, a high school classmate, who wrote: "Maybe. Maybe not. The trial will explain a lot."
It is not clear if Desmond Nair, the South African chief magistrate in the case, would have denied Pistorius bail had he known of Kevin's opinion earlier. The track star's attorney, Barry Roux, has also not addressed the allegations in the Facebook post.
"I hate when I walk into the bathroom at work and some co-worker has stunk it up. Disgusting," Grasmani wrote in his next Facebook post, apparently moving on from the Pistorius case, but possibly making some sort of subtle statement on the bathroom shooting.
"This is my first managing job," said Bo Porter, Houston's new skipper. "So I think I offer a kind of outsider's view, but one thing I do know about baseball is that home runs are good. It's my goal to have this team do a lot of them. But that takes practice and execution."
Porter is taking over a 55-107 team that is faced with moving to the AL West from the NL Central this season.
"I'm not looking for slightly improvement," said Porter. "I want to compete for the playoffs right away. And this explosive home run play can get us there."
The Astros spent Day 1 in camp breaking down film of home runs.
"I noticed that they go over the fence!" exclaimed shortstop Jacob Elmore. "That's the key."
Day 2 of camp consisted of Porter running through the various home run plays he had conceived in the offseason, titled Home Run Left, Home Run Left-Center, Home Run Center, Home Run Right-Center and Home Run Right.
"The play names are confusing, but I hope to learn them by Opening Day," said an outfielder named Oscar Cespedes or something like that.