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With “Linsanity” gripping the entire NBA, New York Knicks management has become especially excited.

“I honestly don’t think it’s possible to mess this one up, which is the first time I’ve felt that way about running a team,” said New York Knicks owner, James Dolan, who also released a public statement asking that he be referred to in the media as Jimmy Do-Lin. “Jeremy Lin is just so good and the team is absolutely flourishing around him. The guys actually look like they’re having fun out there — not just making millions to play a game. Even Coach D’Antoni is smiling. I haven’t seen him this happy since I jokingly told him we weren’t going to pursue Carmelo Anthony.”

Dolan — or Do-Lin, as he is now called — said that having a young, franchise point guard at the league minimum salary is something most team’s would dream of.

“But I don’t want to stand pat,” he said. “We can always improve, so that’s why I put in a call to see if Isiah Thomas would be interested in coaching to put us over the top. He didn’t pick up. He probably was worried I was calling to ask him to listen to my band’s latest single. But I’ll keep calling him. That said, Mike’s job is probably safe as long as we don’t lose another game.”

Colts owner Jim Irsay brushed off charges today that his intent to have snipers positioned in, around and on Lucas Oil Stadium for his upcoming meeting with Peyton Manning suggests he is looking to have the quarterback assassinated.

“That couldn’t be more off-base,” said Irsay. “I’ve never explicitly told anyone to take a shot at Peyton. I made sure of that. You can’t find one instance of me telling them personally to shoot him in the head or in the heart — or the stomach, which would be a more painful way to die, of course.”

Irsay is scheduled to meet with Manning next week to discuss the quarterback’s future with the team. Manning is scheduled to arrive outside the stadium and then be led through a dark tunnel area with no escape in which he will only be visible from above.

“To even imply that he will be led into a quote-unquote ‘shooting gallery’ is irresponsible. It’s merely a dark hallway,” said Irsay. “Do people sometimes get shot in hallways? Sure. But it’s far from a kill zone, in which he will be completely exposed and defenseless for 13 to 16 seconds.”

Riding a six-game win streak behind new superstar Jeremy Lin, the New York Knicks assigned Carmelo Anthony to their D-League affiliate in Erie, the team announced Wednesday.

“Carmelo no longer has an obvious role on this team,” head coach Mike D’Antoni said, “and we thought he would benefit from getting regular minutes.”

The Knicks were just 10-12 with Anthony in the lineup and had been struggling since acquiring the once-superstar from Denver last season. However, Lin — the second-year player who was undrafted out of Harvard — has turned their season around, much to the delight of his teammates.

“I love playing with Jeremy so much,” said star forward Amar’e Stoudemire. “He’s way better than that guy who used to play for us. Carson? Carmax? What was his name again? Cancer?”

Anthony, who is recovering from an injured groin, is taking his demotion in stride.

Former NFL receiver Randy Moss has announced that he plans to return to the NFL in 2012. Moss last played for three NFL teams two years ago and posted career lows in catches and reception yards. But after a year away from the game, Moss — now 35 years-old — said “the fire still burns” to “make millions and millions of dollars and be very wealthy.”

“Being away from the game this past season was tough,” he said. “I’d check my bank account and there wouldn’t be any six-figure sums deposited into it. That’s when I knew that I loved football.”

The former Vikings, Raiders, Patriots, Vikings again and Titans receiver says he wants to make the most of his abilities while he still can.

“God gives you certain gifts and it’s up to you to make the most money as possible off of them,” said Moss. “I don’t want to look back 10 years from now, broke and think: ‘Damn, I could’ve made another $15 million had I stuck around.’ Those are the kind of regrets that stick with a man. Especially because teams have always been willing to pay me a lot of money even though I barely even try out on the field. It was an easy choice. I do almost nothing and get rich. It’s found money. Oh, and the love of football and stuff.”

The top-ranked Kentucky Wildcats proved again that they are the most talented team in the nation with a 20-point destruction of 8th ranked Florida on Tuesday night, running their record to 24-1, including 10-0 in the SEC.

“I don’t want to speak to soon, because there’s a long way still to go and anything can happen,” said Kentucky head coach John Calipari. “But I think this team can ultimately be the most disappointing team I’ve ever had, which would really be saying something.”

Barring injury to a star player or an unexpected slump, the Wildcats should enter the NCAA Tournament in March as a heavy favorite. Kentucky has won 16 in a row — and its last seven by an average margin of 20 points.

“I don’t know how we’ll blow it, but I’m pretty confident that we will,” said Calipari. “Most likely I’ll play an integral role with some curious late-game decision making. What exactly? There’s no way to know. That’s what makes it all so exciting. All I do know is that sometime in late March or early April, I’m going to ruin another pair of $3,000 suit pants by shatting in them.”

A huge crowd filled the streets of Manhattan today as the New York Giants paraded through the city to celebrate their fourth Super Bowl championship.

The Giants were met with shouts of “You suck!”, “I hate you!”, “Die in a fire, a-holes!” and much worse during their several hours atop parade floats.

The Super Bowl XLVI champions also received many cheers of support from the New Yorkers lining the streets, but as NYPD commissioner Raymond Kelly explained, “angry drunks are much louder than happy drunks. So all the Jets fans drowned out the Giants fans. As you can imagine, Jets fans are pretty angry.”

After reaching the AFC Championship Game each of the past two seasons, Jets head coach Rex Ryan predicted a Super Bowl title for his team in 2011. But the Jets missed the playoffs and saw their hometown rival Giants win their second title in five years.

“Get AIDS, Eli!” yelled Jets owner Woody Johnson when the parade float carrying Giants quarterback Eli Manning passed by. “I hope your neck breaks off, too, just like your ugly, choking brother!”, he added as he hurled a brick at the Super Bowl MVP.

The New York Knicks have won back-to-back games for the first time in a month thanks to the surprisingly stellar play of point guard Jeremy Lin.

“I know this may sound stereotypical,” said Knicks head coach Mike D’Antoni, “but there aren’t many good athletes named ‘Jeremy’. I think he’s probably had to fight that perception his whole career. But now he’s turning a lot of heads.”

Despite a dominant high school career in California that saw him make All-State as a senior and win several player of the year awards, Lin was barely recruited and ended up playing basketball at Harvard – far from a traditional basketball power. After a standout career at Harvard, Lin went undrafted by the NBA. Many told him to stick to intramural sports or, at the most, try out for the swimming or lacrosse team.

“That was disappointing to me,” says Lin. “I felt I was as good as any other high school player in the nation and, four years later, to not get drafted? It really showed me that even in modern day America, there are roadblocks in sports for people named ‘Jeremy.’”

Forrest Gump, the naive, slow-witted, Southern simpleton and starting quarterback of the New York Giants, has accomplished another remarkable feat by winning his second Super Bowl.

“He may not seem like the brightest bulb, but there’s a goodness to him,” said Giants head coach Tom Coughlin. “And I love him for it. I wish more people were as quote-unquote ‘dumb’ as he is. The world would be a better place.”

Gump was a star football player in the SEC, a war hero, a shrimp fishing company executive and has met two presidents. He also remarkably didn’t get AIDS from his whorish longtime love, Jenny. Now he joins a select company of NFL quarterbacks who have won two Super Bowl titles.

“I can’t believe we lost twice in the Super Bowl to a goddam retard,” said Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.

But it’s mean-spirited comments like Belichick’s that Gump has let roll off his shoulders, or were simply not heard by his doltish brain, throughout his life.

“My mama Olivia always says: ‘Life is like a box of chocolates,’” Gump said on the podium after being named MVP. “I hope this trophy is made of chocolate,” he added and then attempted to take a bite, breaking a tooth.

Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning spent all day playing yesterday after getting the all-clear from doctors that his injured neck has healed.

“Anyone who knows Peyton or watches his commercials or has seen him do ‘Saturday Night Live’ knows that he’s just a kid at heart,” said Olivia Manning, Peyton’s mother. “So not being allowed to play these last months has really been hard on him. There’s only so many times a boy can watch ‘Transformers’ and ‘Iron Man.’”

After receiving a call from the doctor who had most recently checked his neck confirming his health, Peyton yelled out: “WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!” and immediately dropped the phone and ran into his backyard. He did a series of cartwheels, then went up and down his sliding board, enjoyed his swing for a few minutes, flew a kite, kicked a kickball around and then spent several minutes in his sandbox.

Olivia Manning said Peyton continued playing well into the evening when it got dark and she called him in for dinner.

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning says he is enjoying his time in Indianapolis in the lead up to Super Bowl XLVI, but has found the “quality of whores here to be quite lacking.”

Despite his humble, aw-shucks reputation, Manning admitted to media members on Wednesday that he has a “bit of a soft spot for hookers. Everyone has a vice. Mine is paying women for sex. I don’t feel a need to apologize for it. If anyone should apologize, it’s the City of Indianapolis for the low-level ass they’re putting out there.”

Eli said he began dabbling in the sex business at an early age.

“My brothers were older than me, so they had girlfriends before I did,” he said. “But I wanted to be as big as them. And when you’re in middle school in the early ’90s, the only way to get sex was to pay for it.”

Manning says he doesn’t usually have discriminating tastes when it comes to night-walkers — “fat ones, skinny ones, toothless, trannies, orgies, I don’t care. But I expected there to be some better quality options here for the biggest event in sports. You know, some high-end escort types. It’s disappointing, but I’ll try not to let it impact my play on the field.”