"I didn't want to have to do this, but can anyone seriously make a case that any of these players deserve a free college education to play basketball?" said NCAA president Mark Emmert. "I dare you. Watch a college basketball game and find me a player that is good enough at basketball to be given a $100,000 education. You won't be able to."
The 2012-2013 season has continued and strengthened a recent trend in college basketball of low-scoring games filled with turnovers, fouls and missed shots, turning what was once an exciting sport into 40-minute advertisement for the NBA.
"Maybe pulling their free educations will cause the players to dedicate themselves to improving at basketball," said Emmert. "Because that's the only way they're getting their scholarships back. First guy to hit an open 18-foot jumper gets his scholarship back. I'm not overly optimistic."
The NCAA's decision was met with disappointment from college coaches, yet they said they completely understood the move.
"Hell, I don't like watching this anymore. But I'm under contract, so what can I do?" said Syracuse head coach Jim Boeheim. "I'm surprised it took the NCAA this long."
"We're No. 1," said Gonzaga head coach Mark Few. "I mean, come on. Obviously college basketball isn't very good right now."
News Johnny Manziel Signs 5-Year, $150 Million Deal with Dallas Cowboys Because He Can Do Whatever He Wants
Manziel is technically not even eligible for the NFL draft until next year, let alone unrestricted free agency, and this year's free agents are not allowed to be signed until next week, but NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said the deal is approved.
"It's Johnny Manziel. Who's going to say no to him? What a guy," said Goodell. "Plus, it wasn't really up to me to turn it down anyway. Johnny called me up and told me how it was going to be."
Despite signing with the Cowboys, Manziel retains his college eligibility under the deal for as long as he wants it.
"I figure I'll play some college ball on Saturday, have some fun in College Station on Saturday night, then fly to Dallas or wherever Sunday morning to play for the Cowboys," said Manziel. "I think I'm at the age where I'm ready for this. I can't still be partying on Sunday afternoons anymore."
Manziel said he is also willing to join his Cowboys teammates on Saturday night if there is a big game or "if they're playing in Miami or New Orleans or some place like that."
The deal also gives Manziel courtside seats to every NBA game, access to Hollywood premieres and awards shows, and unlimited use of Kate Upton although Manziel insists "trust me, I already have that."
The NHL's many ugly, unsightly, homely and truly horrific-looking players are not required to wear masks, although the league would like that to become a mandatory rule soon. The NHL even released a photo representation of how an ugly player would look in a mask (pictured).
Sources say the issue was raised during the labor talks that led to a new collective bargaining agreement back in January, but the union balked on the mask provision over disagreement on who would determine which players are too disgusting to see.
"I think we can all agree that your Zdeno Charas, your Scott Hartnells, your Tyler Kennedys these are people so ugly that they shouldn't be allowed to show their face in public, let alone before tens of thousands in an arena and possibly millions more on TV," said NHLPA executive director Donald Fehr. "But when you start moving beyond the indisputably ugly to the questionably ugly, who makes that determination? We don't trust the owners to decide. Most of them look like frogs."
While many support player masks in the NHL, others say it would ruin the rich history of the sport.
"Ugly players didn't wear masks back in the glory days," said hockey analyst Don Cherry. "And players were uglier then, too, because they took shots off the face like men and were covered head to toe in scar tissue. Fans weren't disgusted to see them either, because fans were tough. But now we have all these women at games and all of these immigrants and if there's one thing I know about women and immigrants it's that they like fancy masks."
"Holy crap. This could be awesome," said one baseball fan. "Can you imagine if the Yankees go, like, 72-90? I mean, I really think it's possible this year. They could really blow. Is 100 losses too crazy? Would that be the greatest thing ever? I think it might be the greatest thing ever."
Even with three high-priced position players missing significant time this season, the Yankees will still field a team with many big-name players. But most, if not all of those players, are well past their prime and the American League East will be competitive from top to bottom.
"I hate the Yankees so much and am so sick of hearing about them," said an American. "They're on TV constantly. But if they totally suck, I will probably watch all of their games and enjoy every second of them getting drubbed night after night."
Buechler said he "was in the area," so he stopped by Telavi's island residence. "Wasn't too hard," Buechler said. "I asked a coconut vendor where his place was, and when I found it I just knocked on the door. Willy answered in a bathrobe and excused himself to dress."
Last week, eccentric ex-Bull Dennis Rodman met with brutal North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un, and the two bonded over basketball and foreign policy. The straight-laced Buechler and Telavi, though, had little in common.
"I tried to talk about basketball and Michael Jordan, but Willy doesn't care much for sports," Buechler said. "He mentioned the Pacific Island Forum Fisheries Agency and the country's rivalry with Nauru, but that went over my head."
"We basically talked about the weather for 45 minutes," Telavi said. "Except, it's been sunny and 80 degrees all week, with no clouds."
Ripples were made when Rodman said that Kim Jong-un was "a friend for life." Buechler said he has a similar relationship with Telavi.
"We get along great," Buechler said. "Lucky for both of us we enjoy awkward pauses and long gaps between conversation."
"Well, it's officially over now," said a despondent Kobe Bryant in the postgame locker room. "Our season is done. Over. Official time of death: tonight."
Los Angeles' defeat saw the team fall to 30-31 on the season and 2.5 games out of the final playoff spot in the Western Conference. The season-ending loss is especially disappointing to the team because just two days earlier they had saved their season with a victory over the Hawks giving them their 30th season-saving win of the season.
"I thought we were back. I thought we were a legitimate threat," said point guard Steve Nash. "I mean, 30 season-saving wins in a season is a lot. But, no. Now it's all over. It all fell apart so fast."
News Ryan Kelly Miffed by Lack of Nationwide Hatred Toward Him: "Am I not a dorky white guy who plays for Duke?"
"I've never been hated like I thought I'd be when I came here," said Kelly. "I'm a dorky white guy who plays for Duke. I have a stupid hair cut. I have no muscle tone. I have an unsightly beard. And I produce on the court and I've won a national title in my career. Why doesn't everyone hate me? It's really annoying."
Kelly says he feels like he has missed out on the full Duke experience by not being ridiculed and mocked wherever he goes.
"Sure, I'm taunted during games, but so is every college player," said the gangly oaf. "What I subjected to is nothing close to what guys like Christian Laettner and Cherokee Parks and Steve Wojciechowski and J.J. Redick and Jon Scheyer got when they were here. Is it that I look too ridiculous? Do even Duke haters feel bad for me? Is that it?"
President Barack Obama, who golfed last week with noted short putter advocate Tiger Woods, addressed the nation today one last time before heading to the safety of an underground bunker.
"Be we pro-anchored putter or anti-anchored putter, may God have mercy on our souls and lead us through this dark time," said the president. "May we find a way through this and become a new and whole nation again. Goodbye for now, good luck and God bless."
Hopes that the U.S. military could keep the peace until a resolution supported by all of golf's governing bodies can be reached has proven fruitless. Officers and soldiers on both sides of the anchored putter debate have left the ranks and refused to follow orders from superior officers with dissenting putter views. A violent brawl broke out at a Joint Chiefs meeting last night over anchored putters, official splitting the military in two.
Now all that is left for American citizens is to fend for themselves.
News Joe Flacco Asks for Entire Contract to be Given in Signing Bonus: "In case I, you know, start sucking again"
"Joe is concerned, and I would say understandably so, that he is going to return to being the quarterback he was for the past five years," said Joe Linta, Flacco's agent. "He feels like he stepped in something and that it for some reason stuck to his shoe for a whole month. And now if, or possibly when, he comes out and starts being an average quarterback again, they'll cut him long before he gets anything close to $120 million."
Friends and teammates of Flacco's say he has been stressed out over the contract negotiations, saying things like "I don't know how long I can keep this up," and "I feel like it all might have just been a big fluke," and "honestly, I was just throwing the ball up in the air as far as I could and people were catching it. My own team. Next thing I knew we had a Super Bowl trophy. I think I might be screwed now."
"It's just the right decision for our particular organization right now," said Farrell. "It's not meant to make a broad statement. It's only about us. The Red Sox."
Farrell made his decision in light of the perception in recent seasons that Boston's players have been resting on their laurels instead of working to improve and win. Many showed up for only portions of fielding drills and batting practice, or stayed at home entirely and insisted they practiced there. Others, including former starter Josh Beckett, repeatedly requested to pitch in games from home or while on the golf course or while at a restaurant or bar.
"Things just go too relaxed around here," said Farrell. "I think we can improve if we all get on the same page for a little while and at least show up at the same field together and work side by side. If the players show they can be responsible and we do what we need to do, I will consider loosening the policy."