News Cubs Hurriedly Preparing Wrigley Field for Opening Day by Clogging Toilets, Increasing Rat Population
"There are certain things fans expect when they come to Wrigley Field," said general manager Theo Epstein. "And the stench of urine and fecal matter is high on that list. Our stadium crew is working overtime to make sure Wrigley Field is sufficiently disgusting by April 8th."
Keeping Wrigley Field in a dilapidated state takes more effort than most fans might expect. The stadium needs to pass local, state and federal codes. It sits empty for six months out of the year plenty of time for plumbing and pest issues to be resolved and the Cubs are also flush with cash.
"It's really hard to block up a few hundred toilets that haven't been used in six months," said stadium manager Jeff Marciniak. "It takes weeks of over-filling them with bowel movements and dropping full rolls of toilet paper and beer bottles in them. And then we have to make sure everything is in place to sustain a large and healthy rat population. The way I look at it is this: You know how there are rock stars with messed up hair that looks like they just rolled out of bed? It takes hours to get hair like that. Wrigley Field is that rock star hair. A ton of hard work goes into the stadium being this shitty."
"You will tire of hearing about them and get sick of being told that head coach Andy Enfield is a genius," reads the report. "Also, you will grow increasingly jealous of him because he is a multimillionaire and is married to a supermodel. The FGCU fatigue mixed with jealousy will result in you completely loathing the program."
While you currently love the Eagles' smiling, fun-loving, alley-ooping style of play, that will come to an end in a short time. According to the report, this same style when seen through the lens of long-term success will appear to be arrogant and showboating and disrespectful to their opponents.
"Learn to play basketball the right way," you'll say, possibly after they knock your favorite team out of the NCAA Tournament three years from now. "This is playground basketball."
News America's Bandwagon Fans Paying Extra for Overnight Shipping on Their New Florida Gulf Coast T-Shirts
"I paid $34.95 for next day delivery," said Jeff Horman, a Peoria, Ill., resident who sports Yankees, Heat and Patriots tattoos on his calves. "The shirt itself only cost $16.99. But I need to get it as soon as possible because who knows if they'll keep advancing. If I waited for standard five-day delivery, they could be eliminated by the time the shirt arrives. Then I'd have no use for the shirt because they'd be losers."
Horman also said he wants to stat wearing his shirt immediately because his co-workers have started taunting him for being a "bandwagon fan."
"It's ridiculous. I'm not a bandwagon fan," he said. "I just like teams who care enough to win. That's why I want to show them that I've been with FGCU from the start. The start being when I heard of them last week during the Georgetown game. If I can get them to believe that, maybe they'll leave me alone about me wanting to replace my Patriots tattoo with an Alabama football tattoo."
News Harvard Player's Mother Hoping Her Son Doesn't Take NBA Player Job Over Chance to Make "Real Money" as a Hedge Fund Manager
"I'm fine that he has a little hobby," said Claire Rivard. "But hobbies don't pay the bills. At least not the bills on a third home in Vail or a fleet of private jets. I've looked at what NBA players make and the average salary is only a few million a year. Even the best players top out around $30 million or so with endorsements. It's no way to live."
Mrs. Rivard says she recently sat her son down and had a talk without him.
"He wasn't very receptive," she said. "He has this dream to play in the NBA. You know who put that into his head? That Jeremy Lin. His parents must be humiliated. He could have been a brain surgeon and he's playing basketball somewhere in Texas. The shame that family must have. I simply want my son to do something with his life."
"Nothing motivates us like a good baby roasting," said senior forward Mason Plumlee. "It's part of what makes Duke unique and something that drew us all here."
The Blue Devils are in Philadelphia for the opening rounds of the Tournament and selected their baby after returning to their hotel last night from a team dinner.
"A homeless woman in an alley beside our hotel had a baby that was the perfect size," said Krzyzewski. "It reminded me of the baby we sacrificed before our 2010 championship. Plus, the baby was homeless, so it obviously was not committed to excellence. No one will miss it."
Once the baby is sacrificed tonight after the team's walk-through, the child will be placed on a spit and roasted. After the team's film session, each player and staff member will partake of the baby's flesh.
News Republicans Demand Spending Cuts in Exchange for Joining President Obama's NCAA Tournament Pool
White House spokesman Jay Carney says the Republicans' demands threaten the entire pool with the NCAA Tournament set to begin.
"This shouldn't be as difficult as they are making it," said Carney. "The buy-in is set by the person running the pool. That's how it always has been. But they want to hold the entire pool hostage. We have no idea how many people are in the pool now or what the pay-outs will be. It's irresponsible. Other nations are looking at this debate over our tournament pool and laughing at us. It's time to do what's right and join."
Speaker of the House John Boehner said he is not willing to budge on paying only $20 to join.
"Fifty dollars to join the pool is ridiculous," said Boehner. "If everyone joins at just twenty, the pay-outs to the winners will still be sufficient, plus people will have enough money to join other pools if they want to. We don't want to be beholden to the president's pool. We want tournament pool freedom."
"We are very pleased about the public's reception to the new NIT Doritos Locos Tournament Supreme," said C.M. Newton, chair of the NIT Selection Committee. "Tickets were sold out for every game within five minutes and fans are already lined up outside of the venues to get some Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch basketball."
Newton says details are still being ironed out on exactly how the tournament will be wrapped in a Doritos taco, but said the primary goal of creating excitement about the tournament for the first time in decades has been achieved.
"Do we put a giant taco over each gym? Do we make the players wear Doritos taco uniforms? Is the ball coated with a taco shell?" said Newton. "Who knows. We have a few hours to decide."
"It's basically like hosting an Olympics," said Dayton mayor Gary Leitzell. "If, you know, the Olympics were one one-thousandth of the size and instead of world-class athletes from all over the world, it had mediocre basketball players from mid-major conferences."
Dayton's six hotels are expected to swell with an additional 237 guests next week, a number including the players, coaches and staff members of the eight teams playing in the First Four.
"I didn't have to hire additional workers, no," said Mary James, manager of the Dayton Radisson. "But I did tell Cheryl, one of my maids, that I may need her to stay a half hour later one day next week. If it doesn't work with her schedule, though, we'll be fine."
"Before our shoot-around this morning, Kobe cut out his left ankle using trainer's tape scissors. No anesthetic," said head coach Mike D'Antoni. "It was pretty amazing to see. His will to win is unparalleled."
With the ankle bone and the surrounding tissue cut away, Bryant then reattached his left foot to the bottom of his fibula using a shoelace for stitches. He then stood up and addressed his teammates.
"Look at this!" Kobe commanded, holding the chunk of bone and flesh that was his ankle. "This was my ankle. It was not committed to winning. It tried to stop me from achieving my goal of winning a championship. So I cut it out. Let that be a lesson to all of you."
"I was really inspired," said forward Pau Gasol, while vomiting. "Also, I'm scared for my life. Playing with a psychopath is both inspirational and terrifying."
"They were all just pictures of him throwing short passes to Wes [Welker]," said Brady. "Little five, six, seven-yard crossing patterns. It was tough to see. What a terrible way to start the day."
Brady's wife, model Gisele Bundchen, said Manning twisting the knife about acquiring the services of his rival's best receiver was even crueler because "Tommy had only been asleep for about an hour. He had been up crying all night about not being able to play with Wesley anymore. I tried to tell him that Wesley is terrible and can't catch, but you know how boys are with their friends."
Each photo Manning sent got more provocative. The first photo was just the quarterback and his new possession receiver shaking hands. The last one was of a 10-yard completion on a crossing pattern in the end zone, both players smiling and shirtless, with the caption: "2013-14 SUPER BOWL CHAMPS!"
"That really hurt Tommy, because he and Wesley always liked to pretend that they won Super Bowls," said Bundchen. "They never did together, of course, but what imaginations!"