News

Democrats and Republicans are engaged in another round of high-stakes brinksmanship over a bipartisan NCAA Tournament pool proposed by President Obama. The president invited Congressional members of both parties to join his pool with a $50 buy-in, but Republicans are demanding cuts that would make the buy-in only $20.

White House spokesman Jay Carney says the Republicans' demands threaten the entire pool with the NCAA Tournament set to begin.

"This shouldn't be as difficult as they are making it," said Carney. "The buy-in is set by the person running the pool. That's how it always has been. But they want to hold the entire pool hostage. We have no idea how many people are in the pool now or what the pay-outs will be. It's irresponsible. Other nations are looking at this debate over our tournament pool and laughing at us. It's time to do what's right and join."

Speaker of the House John Boehner said he is not willing to budge on paying only $20 to join.

"Fifty dollars to join the pool is ridiculous," said Boehner. "If everyone joins at just twenty, the pay-outs to the winners will still be sufficient, plus people will have enough money to join other pools if they want to. We don't want to be beholden to the president's pool. We want tournament pool freedom."

Ticket sales for the 2013 NIT Tournament have skyrocketed following today's announcement that the entire 32-team, two-week tournament will be contested inside a delicious Doritos taco.

"We are very pleased about the public's reception to the new NIT Doritos Locos Tournament Supreme," said C.M. Newton, chair of the NIT Selection Committee. "Tickets were sold out for every game within five minutes and fans are already lined up outside of the venues to get some Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch basketball."

Newton says details are still being ironed out on exactly how the tournament will be wrapped in a Doritos taco, but said the primary goal of creating excitement about the tournament for the first time in decades has been achieved.

"Do we put a giant taco over each gym? Do we make the players wear Doritos taco uniforms? Is the ball coated with a taco shell?" said Newton. "Who knows. We have a few hours to decide."

Just days from now, Dayton, Ohio, will play host to the NCAA Tournament play-in games — or "First Four" — the biggest annual event on the town's calendar. With the hours and minutes ticking down, the finishing touches are being put on the preparation.

"It's basically like hosting an Olympics," said Dayton mayor Gary Leitzell. "If, you know, the Olympics were one one-thousandth of the size and instead of world-class athletes from all over the world, it had mediocre basketball players from mid-major conferences."

Dayton's six hotels are expected to swell with an additional 237 guests next week, a number including the players, coaches and staff members of the eight teams playing in the First Four.

"I didn't have to hire additional workers, no," said Mary James, manager of the Dayton Radisson. "But I did tell Cheryl, one of my maids, that I may need her to stay a half hour later one day next week. If it doesn't work with her schedule, though, we'll be fine."

Lakers star Kobe Bryant was expected to be out indefinitely with a severely sprained left ankle, but the team announced today that he will play tomorrow after cutting the offending body part from his body.

"Before our shoot-around this morning, Kobe cut out his left ankle using trainer's tape scissors. No anesthetic," said head coach Mike D'Antoni. "It was pretty amazing to see. His will to win is unparalleled."

With the ankle bone and the surrounding tissue cut away, Bryant then reattached his left foot to the bottom of his fibula using a shoelace for stitches. He then stood up and addressed his teammates.

"Look at this!" Kobe commanded, holding the chunk of bone and flesh that was his ankle. "This was my ankle. It was not committed to winning. It tried to stop me from achieving my goal of winning a championship. So I cut it out. Let that be a lesson to all of you."

"I was really inspired," said forward Pau Gasol, while vomiting. "Also, I'm scared for my life. Playing with a psychopath is both inspirational and terrifying."

Tom Brady's cellphone lit up early this morning with a series of text message notifications. By the time he removed his silk Prada sleep mask and checked his phone, he had 11 texts from Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning.

"They were all just pictures of him throwing short passes to Wes [Welker]," said Brady. "Little five, six, seven-yard crossing patterns. It was tough to see. What a terrible way to start the day."

Brady's wife, model Gisele Bundchen, said Manning twisting the knife about acquiring the services of his rival's best receiver was even crueler because "Tommy had only been asleep for about an hour. He had been up crying all night about not being able to play with Wesley anymore. I tried to tell him that Wesley is terrible and can't catch, but you know how boys are with their friends."

Each photo Manning sent got more provocative. The first photo was just the quarterback and his new possession receiver shaking hands. The last one was of a 10-yard completion on a crossing pattern in the end zone, both players smiling and shirtless, with the caption: "2013-14 SUPER BOWL CHAMPS!"

"That really hurt Tommy, because he and Wesley always liked to pretend that they won Super Bowls," said Bundchen. "They never did together, of course, but what imaginations!"

Just weeks after winning a Super Bowl and handing Joe Flacco the largest contract in NFL history, the Baltimore Ravens are reportedly shopping their quarterback in hopes he can bring them a haul of players big enough to fill their decimated roster.

"Our offseason obviously hasn't gone exactly as we might have hoped," said general manager Ozzie Newsome, while refusing to comment on the Flacco rumors. "So we have to see what options are out there for us, as we need 53 players to fill a roster and the last time I checked we had six."

The Ravens knew they would lose linebacker Ray Lewis to retirement, but since he danced off the scene the team has also lost its starting center, its best receiver, two additional starting linebackers and a starting safety — with more players expected to jump ship in the coming days.

Bears general manager Phil Emery says he received a call from Newsome this morning offering Flacco, "an elite quarterback," in exchange for "all of your defensive players, Brandon Marshall and your top three picks in this year's draft."

Dwight Howard loudly booed Orlando Magic fans in his first game back at Amway Arena on Tuesday night. Howard booed the fans the moment they entered the arena and every time they touched their drinks or nachos.

"I think they deserved it," said Howard. "I like them when I was here, but I have since realized they are some of the worst fans in the NBA, if not in all of sports. They rarely fill the seats and there is no atmosphere in this arena. They suck and that's why I booed them."

Magic fans admit they had hoped Howard would give them a warm welcome, but say weren't surprised by the negative reception.

"Look, I can understand the hard feelings," said a season ticket holder. "It is what it is. But I will still always remember Dwight's time here fondly."

Howard didn't stop at booing and heckling the Magic fans. He also held up signs with messages including "YOUR TEAM SUCKS," "OVERRATED" and "ORLANDUDS." When he exited the game, he wore a t-shirt featuring a picture of the Amway Arena crowd alongside pictures of an equal sign and a pile of steaming feces.

Prominent baseball blogger and stats geek Mark Richardson was shocked to learn today that baseball is an actual sport played by human beings, and not just an advanced numbers-based simulation.

Richardson, who lives in southern Florida and blogs at his site, "WARlord of BABIP", was asked by a friend if he wanted to go see a spring training game.

"I assumed we'd be going to some sort of local data center to see a team of programmers sitting at an array of supercomputers and calculating that day's results," he said. "Imagine my shock when we arrived at some kind of … I think the word was 'field.'"

The stathead, who wrote more than 10,000 words arguing why Angels phenom Mike Trout should've been last season's MVP over Triple Crown winner Miguel Cabrera, was immediately confused by the people tossing a physical ball made of horsehide back and forth, while others were swinging wooden bats. He asked other onlookers when the calculators, tablets and graphing paper would be used, only to have a beer thrown at him.

Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose has upped his pledge that he will return from injury when he is 110-percent to 345-percent, causing concern on the team that Rose has been suffering from a severe and undiagnosed concussion.

"Oh, man. What do we do now?" said head coach Tom Thibodeau. "What if his brain has been bleeding for the past year? That would be really serious. The playoffs start in a month."

The Bulls figured Rose's previous "110-percent" pronouncement, while illogical, was nothing more than an athlete spouting a common sports cliche. General manager Gar Forman now wishes he had pushed Rose more on the initial number.

"Maybe I should have asked him if he understood numbers and percentages and how they work," said Forman. "He's a smart guy. He knows better. He has to know, if his brain is working correctly, that 345-percent is not a thing. They had to have covered that in some class in high school or at Memphis, right?"

Unfortunately, Rose — who has called his own shots in his rehab from reconstructive knee surgery — says he will not submit to a CT scan of his brain "until I feel 617-percent."

The NCAA announced today that all college basketball athletes throughout Division I will be stripped of their scholarships effective immediately "for playing like absolute garbage."

"I didn't want to have to do this, but can anyone seriously make a case that any of these players deserve a free college education to play basketball?" said NCAA president Mark Emmert. "I dare you. Watch a college basketball game and find me a player that is good enough at basketball to be given a $100,000 education. You won't be able to."

The 2012-2013 season has continued and strengthened a recent trend in college basketball of low-scoring games filled with turnovers, fouls and missed shots, turning what was once an exciting sport into 40-minute advertisement for the NBA.

"Maybe pulling their free educations will cause the players to dedicate themselves to improving at basketball," said Emmert. "Because that's the only way they're getting their scholarships back. First guy to hit an open 18-foot jumper gets his scholarship back. I'm not overly optimistic."

The NCAA's decision was met with disappointment from college coaches, yet they said they completely understood the move.

"Hell, I don't like watching this anymore. But I'm under contract, so what can I do?" said Syracuse head coach Jim Boeheim. "I'm surprised it took the NCAA this long."

"We're No. 1," said Gonzaga head coach Mark Few. "I mean, come on. Obviously college basketball isn't very good right now."