July 28, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Card game halted to play a quick game of Major League Baseball
The Pittsburgh Pirates briefly decided to set aside their clubhouse game of hearts today to play a quick game of Major League Baseball. "I wanted to keep playing, but some guys wanted to try baseball for a bit," said reliever Jesse Chavez. "I hope it doesn't take more than two or three hours or I'm coming back in here to play cards." Starting pitcher Zach Duke says he is going to stay at the table and play hearts. "They can go out there and do whatever they want to do, but I'm dealing another hand. "It's the benefit of being a starting pitcher I only have to stop playing cards once every five days."
Roger Goodell has been criticized for seeming to have no method to his suspension madness. This guy gets a four-game suspension for a seemingly minor traffic infraction, that guy gets a $5,000 fine for serial genocide.
But there really is a uniform procedure in place. It's a point system. And SportsPickle is the first to see it.
NFL SUSPENSION GENERATOR
1. Has the player been arrested? (Add 0 points for NO. Add 5 points for YES.)
2. Was the arrest caught on tape? (Add 0 points for NO. Add 10 points for YES.)
3. Was anything killed? (Add 0 points for NO and jump to #4. Add 20 points for YES.)
3(a). What was killed? (Add 10 points for human(s). Add 50 points for dog and 100 for each additional dog. Add 10 points if it was a plant, 20 if the plant was killed by lighting it on fire and smoking it.)
4. Does the player play in a large market? (Add 0 points for YES. Add 10 points for NO.)
5. Is the player white? (Add 0 points for YES.)
6. Is the player Asian? (Add 0 points for YES.)
7. Is the player Latino? (Add 0 points for YES.)
8. Is the player Native American? (Add 0 points for YES.)
9. Is the player something other than what's found in 5-8? (Add 10 points for YES.)
10. Does the player have a history of recreational drug use (not counting steroids and painkillers, of course)? (Add 0 points for NO. Add 5 points for YES.)
11. Does the player have a history of using steroids and/or painkillers? (Add 0 points for NO. Submit name to Canton voters for YES.)
12. Did the player stink of strip club when you met with him? (Add 0 points for NO. Add 10 points for YES and wash hands.)
13. Was the crime committed in sweat pants? (Add 0 points for NO. Point, laugh and mock for YES.)
14. Does the player watch "Happening Now" on Fox News, hosted by my wife, Jane Skinner? (Deduct 20 points for YES. Add 10 points for NO and have NFL Security investigate them for possible socialist behaviors.)
15. Is the player a fellow ginger? (Add 15 points for NO. Deduct 100 points for YES.)
16. Think of a number between 10 and 100. Now add that many points to the score. Or deduct that many. Whichever.
0 to 10 points = monetary fine
11 to 20 points = kangaroo
21 to 30 points = 7
31 to 40 points = the moon landing was a hoax
41 to 50 points = I smell paint.
51 points or more = I'M CRAZY!!!!
July 27, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Backwards hat fails to swing arm wrestling match
Five seconds into his arm wrestling match, Jake Radziewicz knew it was going to be tough to win. "He was stronger than I was. I couldn't even maintain a good grip," said the retired plumber. But then he happened upon an idea. "I needed to switch my cap around just like Stallone in 'Over The Top.'" So Radziewicz reached up with his free hand, turned his hat around and suddenly the match was over. "In the time it took me to flip my cap, he slammed my hand off the table. It was a pretty stupid move on my part. Maybe the trick is turning your cap before the match. Or maybe the trick is being strong."
While blessed with one of the most athletic builds and powerful punches in all of women’s boxing, Christi Mitchell has struggled with one thing since beginning her fight career five years ago – her pair ofglassjugs.
“Christi has it all – speed, power, stamina – and a great mind for boxing, as well,” said her trainer, Mickey Arista. “But unfortunately she wasn’t born with a sturdyrack. If she lets those ta-ta’s take a couple good shots, she goes down.”
Mitchell’s latest loss – which dropped her to a disappointing 22-7 for her career – came Saturday night in Atlantic City when she was KO’d in the sixth round in a fight against lightly regarded Lisa Lowry (19-16-2).
“There almost no way that woman had any business being in a ring with Christi,” said Arista, “but she stuck to the playbook that people have developed for fighting her – hit a tit, move, hit the other tit, move again – and came out on top. I don’t want to admit this, but it’s gotten to the point where we may have to accept the fact that Christi’s fun bags are going to prevent her from ever winning a title.”
Lowry said she was confident entering the fight with Mitchell due to the game plan provided by her trainer.
“Every day that I was training and sparring in the weeks leading up to the bout my trainer kept stressing the three H’s – Hit Her Hooters,” said Lowry. “He even stenciled three H’s on each of my gloves to help me remember. And it really struck me how well the strategy was working when we I got tied up with Christi in the fourth round and she whispered in my ear and begged me to please stop hitting her hooters. But I didn’t and by the end of the sixth round she was down for good, clutching at her sensitive boobies.”
Mitchell – wearing a giant, ice-filled bra after the bout – admits she struggles when getting knocked in the knockers, but doubts she has it any worse than any of her other competitors.
“I can’t imagine any femaleboxerlikes getting punched there. It really freaking hurts,” she said. “That’s really what women’s boxing is all about – come out aggressive and knock someone out before they get a chance to crush your cans. I just need to regroup for my next fight and be prepared to turn the tables and bash some bazoombas of my own.”
ADD: Jarrod Washburn, P, Mariners Chances are no one in your fantasy league drafted Washburn back before the season started. And for good reason Washburn lost at least 14 games each of the last three seasons and only once posted an ERA below 4.32 since 2002. Yet now, more than halfway through the 2009 season, the former Angel is 8-6 with a 2.71 ERA and a remarkable 1.06 WHIP. He may not be a sexy waiver wire pickup, but look at your roster there's a great chance Washburn is better than someone you currently have pitching. What, he's not?! Oh, so you think you're better than me or something?! You know what? Fk, you guy. You're a dick, you know that? I was just trying to help.
I think I detect a theme.
Yep. I definitely detect a theme.
July 27, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Fan-friendly player sticks around after the game to get fans' autographs
Chicago White Sox DH Jim Thome, considered one of the friendliest players in baseball, stuck around for 30 minutes following last night's game to get the autographs of all the fans who wanted to give them.“I love interacting with the fans,” said Thome. “But beyond that, I got some really great autographs. I got Cindy Hepfer’s. She’s a two-time teacher of the year at Highland Elementary. And I got her son Billy’s, too. Good kid, Billy. Very respectful. I was honored that he signed.”But one White Sox fan said he was disappointed in Casey.“Thome is a great player and I was hoping to get his autograph for my son,” said Mike Jenkins. “So I gave him a ball and told him to sign it ‘To Austin.’ But the jerk didn’t sign it. He just passed it around to everyone in the stands to sign. What a dick. What is my son going to want with a ball signed by Cindy and Billy Hepfer, whoever they are?”
Eli Manning is about to head off to New York Giants camp for the sixth time. And as much as the young quarterback looks forward to his time in the upstate New York countryside each summer, he admits he is motivated to get the one camper badge that has long eluded him.
"I have most of my badges," said Eli, beaming. "I have my badge for starting quarterback, my badge for being team captain, look I even have my Super Bowl badge! But, golly I still can't get my accuracy badge, even though I try my darnedest," he added, kicking at a pebble.
"Eli is one of our camp regulars," said Tom Coughlin, leader of the New York Giants. "He comes from a good family and he's been coming here since he was a little boy, back when he was even more innocent than the fella you see today, if you can believe that. So I'm hoping he gets that elusive accuracy badge this year. He tries hard and he wants it really bad. But, you know, I bet I want him to get it even more than he does."
Despite getting all the way up to a Super Bowl badge, Manning has a 55.9-percent career completion percentage and has thrown 74 interceptions in 73 career games.
"Even the best pass he ever threw, it was so off-target, one of the other campers had to catch it with one hand off the top of his helmet," said Coughlin. "That makes for a great memory something I'm sure they both told all their friends about later on when they got home but it's not what I'm looking for here. Eli's parents send him here to learn how to throw, not hit receivers in the helmet with passes or try to kiss girls."
When Manning's parents drop him off at camp this week, they will leave him with encouraging words.
"It's hard for the little guy, and not just because he misses us a lot," said Olivia Manning. "We always sent his big brother, Peyton, out to camp in Indiana, and he got his accuracy badge from early on. So that only put more pressure on Eli. I think people expect Eli to be accurate, too, because it came so easily for his brother. But he just isn't. Eli is special in his own way, you know? And he claims it doesn't bother him, but I know he's just saying that. The tears tell me the truth."
Eli's father, Archie, says he'll be rooting for his son.
"Getting that badge means a lot to Eli," said Archie. "And I think he can do it this year. And once he does, I'll bet the bed-wetting stops immediately."
July 24, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Roger Goodell bans war criminals from buying NFL tickets
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that anyone convicted of war crimes by an international tribunal will receive a one-year ban from buying tickets to an NFL game. "The NFL system of justice trumps the American system of justice and the international system of justice," said the commissioner. "I don't care how much hard time a person serves. Once they are released, they still have to answer to the National Football League for their sins. No one can avoid the strict punishment of the NFL. No one. I would advise Osama bin Laden to stay in the hole he crawled into." While the league's one-year ban for war criminals applies to regular season games, Goodell said bin Laden would also be banned from attending preseason games for a year.
Steve Spurrier confirmed today that he was the coach who left Tim Tebow off the ballot for 1st Team All-SEC quarterback. Spurrier accidentally submitted Mississippi's Jevan Snead.
It turns out the Ol' Ball Coach has a bit of a track record with such mistakes. Look at the Personality section of his Bio in the South Carolina media guide:
Favorite Movie: 2 Fast 2 Furious
Favorite Food: poison
Favorite Drink: liquid poison
Favorite Leisure Activity: colonoscopy
Favorite Book: "Reader's Digest Condensed USA Todays"
Favorite Baby:Any but the Baby Jesus. I hate that stupid Baby Jesus.
Personal Hero: Can cancer be a hero?
Career Highlight: My tenure with the Washington Redskins
Favorite Kind Of Large Lizard With Big Teeth: crocodile
Favorite Way To Shade Your Eyes From The Sun While Still Allowing The Top Of Your Head To Breathe: I got nothing here. ??????