August 3, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Scheduled rehab start fails to make it past neighborhood bar
Former West Tallahassee (Fla.) High School JV pitcher Ronnie Lee was scheduled to start rehab today, but he was unable to check-in when he lost the day at Pete's Tavern across the street from his apartment. "If I'm going to go sober like my family and ex-wives say I need to, I thought I needed one last drink on the way to my truck to get it all out of my system," said Lee. "I guess I just got carried away a little. But by the time I woke up in the bathroom, i figured it was too late in the day to start rehab." Lee is scheduled to go again Friday and says he will pound some tequila shots for courage.
News Elias Sports Bureau Disbands After Finally Getting Laid
After years of providing detailed sports statistics to Major League Baseball, the NFL, NBA, NHL and many other sports leagues, the Elias Sports Bureau shut its doors today after finally receiving some sweet, sweet loving.
“You really think we would spend all this time finding out, say … who was the last player to hit three triples in a night game on the West Coast if we were getting any action?” said Elias president Jeff Meadows. “Of course not. We immerse ourselves in those short of pointless facts and figures to block out our sad personal lives. Trust me, I’d much rather keep track of how many hot women I’ve nailed.”
Meadows says he and his fellow Elias workers finally broke through last night at a company party.
“We have monthly parties planned around various sports stat themes,” said Meadows. “Last night’s theme was 100-yard rushing games in which there was more than 1-inch of snow on the ground. It was crazy fun. Anyway, after a few Michelobs – which, by the way, was the official beer of the NHL from 1974 to 1983 – we learned that one of our interns was actually a female. We had all thought he – I mean, she – was male because she didn’t really have any distinguishing body characteristics. She was just kind of lumpy.”
And after the Elias employees moved on from Michelobs to Miller Lites – the official light beer of the NFL from 1987 to 1996 – the intern agreed to have sex with all of her co-workers.
“The guys were real sweet talkers,” said the intern, Cris Johnson. “They started spouting off the top 20 ERA leaders from 1913 and naming the entire Quebec Nordiques roster from 1970. Needless to say, that got me pretty hot and then one thing led to another. I’m just sad that what happened put an end to the Elias Sports Bureau. How will we know now who is the all-time leader in intentional walks in the rain?”
But Meadows says the Elias Bureau is most definitely going out of business.
“I can’t imagine going back to that after finally being with a woman,” he said. “Not that I’m done with doing research forever, though. That’s still a part of me and I love doing it. For example, I’m planning to research where you actually put it in a woman. I think I may have put it in the crease behind her knee. That probably doesn’t count.”
July 31, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Poorly-endowed swimmer said to have an unfair advantage
As the debate continues to rage over swimsuit technology, several swimmers have begun complaining that Australian swimmer David Patterson has an unfair advantage in the pool due to his tiny penis and testicles. "His almost complete lack of bulge creates almost no drag in the water," said Michael Phelps. "I bet I could take a second or two off all of my times if I was that poorly endowed." Phelps and other swimmers support the adoption of a bulge standardization rule that would require swimmers to wear a cod piece if their manhood is deemed to be too small. "It's the only fair way to do it," said Phelps. "Not all of us were lucky enough to be born with miniature junk."
News Dear Red Sox Nation ...
Today I was informed by a reporter that I was on the 2003 list of MLB players to test positive for performance-enhancing substances. This happened right before our game, and the news blindsided me.
I want to talk about this situation and I will as soon as I have more answers. In the meantime I want to let you know how I am approaching this situation.
1.I have already contacted the Players Association to confirm if this report is true. I have just been told that the report is true. Based on the way I have lived my life, I am surprised to learn I tested positive.
2.I will find out what I tested positive for.
3.Based on whatever I learn, I will share this information with my club and the public. You know me — I will not hide and I will not make excuses.
4. Upon learning the specific drug I tested positive for, I will dig up a list of legal supplements I took in 2003 and insist that one of them must have been tainted without my knowledge.
5. I will threaten a lawsuit suing the maker of the supplement, although that will only be for PR purposes; I will never actually follow through on the suit, as it will have no merit.
6. After that I will instruct those close to me to continue throwing out possible explanations in the press — something like I unknowingly took a steroid while at home in my native Dominican Republic, where they are legal. Or that a rogue trainer injected me without my knowledge to help me recover quicker from an injury. You know, crap like that.
7. By this time, we'll be a couple of months down the road and people won't care as much as they do now, so I'll make some sort of vague admission about "mistakes" I have made and everyone will pretty much move on.
8. I will remain a hero in New England because home fans always protect their own, plus they really don't want to admit their '04 and '06 World Series titles are tainted.
9. I will retire in Boston, where I will live and continue to earn a good living doing card shows and public appearances because, really, who cares about steroids, am I right?
So that's what I am going to do next. As you can see, I will be very open throughout this entire process.
Sincerely,
David Ortiz
News ADD: Garrett Jones, 1B/OF, Pirates
ADD: Garrett Jones, 1B/OF, Pirates — Since joining the Pirates on July 1st, Jones has hit .323 with 16 RBI, 5 SB and a major-league best 10 HR. He would be an especially good pickup in leagues that charge for free agent acquisitions, as cash transactions involving the Pittsburgh Pirates are valid as tax deductible charitable donations.
News Jackie Robinson Posthumously Tests Positive For Steroids
Baseball was rocked again today with the report that another beloved figure in the game has been linked to steroids — this time the tainted legend being former Dodgers star Jackie Robinson.
The commissioner's office has yet to comment on the report, but Bud Selig is said to be taking this latest steroids news especially hard, as Robinson was a personal hero of his and the commissioner recently retired Robinson's No. 42 throughout all of baseball for his efforts in breaking the sport's color barrier.
But now it seems Robinson broke several ethical boundaries, as well. At a recent sports memorabilia auction, a bidder purchased several of the second baseman's old uniforms. When he took the items home, he found curious substances in the pants pockets.
"On a whim I had them tested," said the buyer, Mark Looper of Los Angeles. "And sure enough, they were steroids. Very rudimentary steroids."
It seems Robinson, desperate to prove racists and doubters wrong and show that he could succeed in major league baseball, used contacts he had in UCLA's chemistry department to help him develop an anabolic steroid — a steroid which several former teammates who wish to remain anonymous say Robinson took throughout his career.
"He saw what he was doing as more than just one man playing baseball," said a former Dodgers teammate. "He was able to justify it pretty easily in his mind that way. It's that way with all cheaters."
"Jackie broke barriers," said another teammate. "He was the first Negro player. And he was the first steroids-using player. I think this actually boosts his legacy. If it wasn't for the Negroes and steroids, baseball would have gone under years ago."
But whether right or wrong, the sport now has perhaps its biggest scandal yet.
"Maybe this is a good thing," said current Dodgers manager Joe Torre. "It can help us move past this era. Jackie Robinson did steroids, A-Rod did steroids, Manny did steroids. Everyone did them. It's no big deal. Hell, I did them for a few years just to try to fit in with and relate to my players on the Yankees."
News GMs Trade Conversation Somehow Devolves Into Phone Sex
Talks over the phonebetween Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro and Indians GM Mark Shapiro leading up to the Cliff Lee trade reportedly took a dramatic turn late Tuesday night when the pair found themselves engaged in phone sex.
“I’m not sure exactly how it happened, but it happened,” said Amaro. “We’ve been spending a lot of time on thephonetogether recently and I guess it’s one of those things like in any workplace where sparks can fly and two people can end up building an intense sexual tension between one another simply because of all the hours spent together working towards a common goal. It was late, we were on the phone, and one thing just led to another.”
“As the talks drew on, I was getting tired and I told Ruben that I wanted to get out of my work clothes and put on something more comfortable,” said Shapiro. “He asked me what I was wearing. I told him Dockers and a polo shirt and it turned out he was wearing the same thing. And before I knew it, my pants were down around my ankles and I was muttering: ‘Oh, yeah. You want me to pick up 100 percent of Cliff Lee’s contract, don’t you? Come on, you know you want it. Tell me you need another position player to make this deal happen. That’s right, make me work for it.’”
Amaro said he doesn’t think the incident says anything about the sexual preference of either executive.
"It was simply a voice on the other end of the line,” he said. “A welcoming voice that I had become accustomed to talking to. It was nothing more than a means to relieve stress and hopefully break down barriers between us and finally get a deal worked out that will bring a top pitcher here to Philadelphia. And to be honest, I enjoyed it. I hope to deal with Larry again in the future.”
But Shapiro isn’t so sure.
“For me, at least, it was extremely awkward when it was over. I felt used,” he said. “Doing something like that is totally unlike me. Especially to engage in that kind of behavior with another man. And a fellow GM, no less. I get a sense Ruben seduces everyone — GMs, agents. I bet it's how he got Raul Ibanez so cheap."
While Shapiro is happy with what he got in return for Lee, and even happier that he was able to achieve orgasm in the process, he doubts he will be trading again with the Phillies anytime soon.
"There was a certain walk of shame when I got off the phone and told my assistants and the owner that the trade was done," he said. "They were happy with the deal, but I can tell I lost some of their respect in how I got it done. I need to value myself more in the future and not just whore myself out to any GM on the phone who wants to deal with me or compliments me on how big I am down there."
July 30, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Change of scenery to allow player to continue sucking in front of a different backdrop
The Seattle Mariners acquired pitcher Ian Snell from the Pirates this week in their deal for Jack Wilson, offeringthe troubled Snell — 33-46 in his career with a 4.75 ERA — a much-needed change of scenery. "This is exactly what I needed," said Snell. "It will be neat to give up six runs in four innings set against majestic Mount Rainier. Getting my pitches hit into the Allegheny River had lost its charm." The Mariners are hoping the change in scenery will inspire Snell to change many of his pitches.
News Phillies Acquire Right-Handed Bat
"I am really excited to get this bat in the lineup," said Phillies GM Ruben Amaro. "It's a fine quality ash and very dense. I am expecting some big power out of it."
And while Amaro traded for the bat to plug the Phillies' power vacuum from the right side, manager Charlie Manuel feels the bat can provide even more.
"Perhaps I'm missing something, but couldn't this bat also hit from the left side?" he said. "As far as I know there's no such thing as a right-handed or left-handed bat. It all depends on how the batter holds it, right? I mean I know baseball isn't full of intellectuals, but this doesn't seem like rocket science to me."
News Latest MLB trade deadline rumors
The MLB trade deadline is Friday at 4:00 p.m. ET. Here are all the latest rumors.
— The Blue Jays have raised their price in discussions with the Phillies regarding ace Roy Halladay to Kyle Drabek, J.A. Happ, outfield prospect Dominic Brownand Cliff Lee.
— Reports say Royals GM Dayton Moore likes his prospects shaved.
— The Yankees are said to be interested in Cleveland catcher Victor Martinez or anyone the Red Sox are said to be interested in.
— The Giants are said to be shopping the scout who told them that Ryan Garko is good.
— Rumors say the Cardinals like both Roy Halladay and Jarrod Washburn, but only as friends.
— Sources within the Nationals front office say they have received no feedback regarding trade offers they made to the Expos.
— The Pirates are close to sending second baseman Freddy Sanchez to the Giants for prospects. The addition of two or more prospects to the Pittsburgh organization would force them to create a second Triple-A team.
— GMs who have traded with Cleveland's Mark Shapiro have described him as an "Indian giver."
— Mariners DHKen Griffey, Jr. died four years ago.
— Padres GM Kevin Towers say they will deal closer Heath Bell only if it allows him to fill multiple needs: a starting pitcher, bullpen depth, a power bat prospect, and emotional/physical needs, such as someone who is willing to give him oral.
