Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn finally reported to training camp today after missing the first four days of camp. Quinn’s agent, Tom Condon, said his client was missing because he spent the last two weeks looking into his bathroom mirror, lost in his dreamy gaze.
“I really apologize to everyone for missing so much practice time,” said Quinn. “But I’m sure you all can understand what happened. I was on my way out for dinner, took one last look in the mirror on the way out the door and … well, all I can remember thinking is: ‘Damn, I look hot today.’ The next thing I remember, my agent knocked down my door and broke me out of my trance. Turns out I had been standing there in a beauty trance for two weeks.”
Condon says Quinn’s recollection isn’t entirely accurate.
“Yes, I did knock down the door and break him out of his trance and tell him to get to camp,” said Condon. “But between knocking his door down and breaking him out of his trance, I took the opportunity to stare at him myself for an hour or two. He’s that hot. And then I masturbated. Honest. And I’m not even gay. At least not for men other than Brady.”
Quinn said the first thing he will do upon arriving at camp is apologizing to his teammates for any problems he might have caused by being absent.
“I know me missing practice time as the potential starting quarterback may have been a big distraction to the team,” said Quinn. “But, to be honest, it may be even more of a distraction to have me here. Everyone will be gazing at me, lost in my eyes, checking out my muscles. I’m sure it will be hard for us to get anything accomplished on the field for a few days. And, you know, having not eaten for two weeks, I'm even more cut that normal, if you can believe that. I probably should wear one of those tinted helmet face shields just so part of the dreamscape that is my face is obscured. It will hurt the team, but it’s for their own good.”
Browns head coach Eric Mangini says he has ordered all reflective surfaces be removed from Browns camp in preparation for Quinn’s arrival.
“We can’t have him getting lost in his gaze all the time,” said Mangini. “We might even put a logo on our helmets so he can’t see his reflection on the blank orange exterior. Speaking of a blank orange exterior, Brady has an amazing butt that is totally tan.”
An unnamed NFL star is reportedly planning to conceal an injury that will force him to miss significant time this season until after you complete your fantasy football draft later this month, sticking you with a player you never would have selected had you known he was hurt.
"I'm going to play through the pain at camp for now, just until his draft is held," said the player. "Then, once I get word that I've been picked, I'm going to announced I'm out until Week 5 maybe even later. It will be hilarious."
For dramatic effect, the player says he is hoping to announce his injury during your draft in the moments right after you select him.
"That will be the best way to do it, to really make it hurt in front of all of his friends," he said. "I'd love for him to pick me, make it official, start gloating that he made a great pick and then have it scroll across the bottom of the screen on ESPN that I'm out until Week 5 at the earliest."
The player said he is disappointed to be hurt, but screwing with your fantasy team makes him feel a little bit better.
"Not better in that I'm going to be better physically and back on the field, mind you," he said. "Your still going to be totally fked by drafting me. But better mentally in that the destruction of your fantasy team gives me something to be happy about. It will keep a smile on my face each day while I am busting my butt at rehab."
And while you will be forced to keep the player on your roster because you drafted him so high, he is confident even his return won't save you.
"I'll probably be back by Week 5, but no way I'll be 100-percent. Not with this injury," he said. "I probably won't be producing like I normally do until Week 8 or 9. And by that time your season will be over because your first round pick was bust. No fantasy team can overcome that. Ha-ha! Idiot. You know what? This might end up being my most fun season ever."
August 4, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Jon Bon Jovi penning unlistenable ballad about the breakup of the Arena League
Philadelphia Soul owner and rock superstar Jon Bon Jovi has put his disappointment over the demise of the Arena Football League into his work, resulting in a cliche-ridden ballad about heartache and hope that is sure to please Bon Jovi's millions of moron fans. "I called it 'Arena of the Heart,'" says Jovi. "I think it ranks up there with some of the best stuff I've done." The song includes the lines "We cheered for the Soul / but all that was left was a hole oh-whoa" and "They put walls around our field / yet they were the ones with walls around their heart." Jovi also announced that Soul co-owner Ron Jaworski will join the band for its upcoming fall tour.
DROP: Jake Peavy, P, White Sox Peavy is one of the best in the game, but he hasn't pitched in almost two months and likely won't get back on the mound until late August. By that time you'll get, what four or five starts out of him at the max, and even then he'll be rusty for half of them. So there's little to gain by holding Peavy on your roster all this time for the slight chance of five good starts come September. If you have him, drop him. Also, if you don't have him, pick him up. Peavy is one of the best in the game. He hasn't pitched in almost two months, so when he gets back on the mound in late August, he'll be rested and ready. You'll get four or five starts our of an ace and even if he's rusty for half of them, a rusty Jake Peavy is still better than most of the pitchers out there. He's worth locking up a roster spot now for the chance at five good starts come September.
Former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il in North Korea today to discuss the release of two American journalists who have been held in the country since March. The two leaders and historic golf bullshitters quickly decided they would determine the release of the journalists over 18 holes of golf.
Clinton won the historic bullshit-off, claiming he had holes-in-one on the final seven holes, including the 612-yard, Par-5 finishing hole.
"I can sling some bullshit," said Kim Jong Il, who once claimed he shot 38-under par the first time he ever played golf, "but I can admit when I am the inferior bullshitter. And Bill Clinton reigns supreme."
Clinton, who was known to shave strokes off his score as president, says he knew he had to step us his game on the first two holes.
"I parred the first hole, a long Par-4," said the former president. "I was pretty happy good drive, hit the green, nice two-putt. And then Jong over there said he put up an Eagle-2. Same thing on the next hole, even though I'm positive he had a 12. That's when I knew I had to step it up."
It was then, trailing by four strokes after two holes, that Clinton began his comeback. He took a birdie on a Par-3, a double-eagle on a Par-5 and a holes-in-one on back-to-back Par-4s, posting 10-under on four holes, even though he actually shot 5-over.
"You could tell Jong Il was reeling at that point," said Clinton. "He knew he was in for a fight. You could see it in his eyes. Also, I think he was having another stroke."
With the North Korean leader up against the ropes, Clinton went in for the kill, posting a 0 on the Par-4 7th.
"I didn't even know if I could get away with it, but i did," he said. "If you can talk about what the definition of 'is' is under oath, you can talk our way to a 0 on a Par-4.
From there it was a cakewalk, as Kim Jong Il was so rattled he even accurately posted reported two scores over the remaining holes, giving Clinton an easy 5-stroke victory, 30 to 35, and earning the release of the two female prisoners.
"I appreciate my release," said Sarah Yang. "But I am worried about how President Clinton is going to want me to make it up to him on the flight home."
August 4, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
George Plimpton participates in Lions camp as a tackling dummy
Writer George Plimpton took part again today in the sports writing genre he created in 1965 with his book “Paper Lion” – participatory sports journalism – by spending the day at a Detroit Lions practice. Plimpton, who died in 2003, was used as a tackling dummy during defensive drills.“Before his death, George expressed to us that he wanted to return to the field one more time,” said Lions owner William Clay Ford. “Unfortunately, that didn’t work out before he died. So I think this was the only alternative. I’m sure he’s looking down on us today with a smile on his face. Or, at least he was until Ernie Sims broke all of his ribs off.”Fordsaid he had several other journalists who wanted to participate in Lions camp this season, but decided to go with the legendary Plimpton – albeit his corpse.“There were some other writers who wanted to do a Plimpton for an article,” he said. “But being that they were actually living, I was afraid they might somehow upstage our players and make them look bad.”
As Florida State and Bobby Bowden fight to keep wins stripped from the program due to an academic cheating scandal, new reports today suggests the Seminoles could have as many as four or five wins taken from them this year due to an almost criminal dearth of talent in the once-dominant program.
The report, published in numerous 2009 NCAA football preview magazines, suggests the Seminoles will struggle to even qualify for a bowl game.
"It's a shame what has happened to Florida State over the past few years," said one veteran ACC beat writer. "And I don't mean the cheating stuff. Most good programs cheat. I mean that instead of trying to win national titles, they now just hope to win the Atlantic Division of the ACC. How pathetic is that?"
And all fingers point at Bowden.
"He's let that program slip," said a former assistant. "Everything is still in place there to be great the history, the facilities, the cheating. There's no reason not to get top recruits, especially considering Florida State has no limitations regarding academic or criminal failings. Yet they're losing recruits to Florida, Miami, South Florida. Duke! They're losing recruits to fking Duke!"
While the university has remained firmly behind Bowden in regards to the cheating scandal off the field, it's his failings on the field that will likely cause him to be pushed out.
"Keeping athletes eligible by bending and breaking some rules is one thing," said a source within the FSU president's office. "I mean, this is major college athletics. But all this 7-6, 8-5 crap no. I mean, we can have legitimate student-athletes go 7-6. We can get some book nerds in here to do that. But this is Florida State. We expect more on the field because we demand less in the classroom."
Florida State officials say they will continue to support Bowden in his fight against the NCAA.
"Even if Bobby is on his way out, we don't want to signal to his successor that we don't want to still bend the rules when it comes to academics," said the source. "If anything, we want to bend them more so we can get out of this hole we're in."
August 3, 2009 Column
Stuff You Might Have Heard
Jason Varitek named captain of the bench
Boston Red Sox manager Terry Francona announced today that due to the acquisition of Victor Martinez from Cleveland, team captain Jason Varitek would have his captain duties relegated to the bench area. "Jason is going to see the field a lot less now," said Francona of his catcher, who is mired in a four-year batting slump. "So it doesn't make much sense to have him in charge of the guys who are actually out on the field playing." Varitek says he is excited about his new role. "I will help this team any way I can," he said. "And I will take this bench captaincy very seriously. I will tell you one thing that's going to change around here all the paper cups on the floor. We bench players have to stand in this crap while everyone else is out on the field having fun. That sh!t is going to stop now. It's my stop priority." The current Red Sox starters say they have no intention of listening to Varitek anymore.
News Who is Cliff Lee?
Cliff Lee may be the reigning American League Cy Young award winner, but he's far from a household name. Now that he has been acquired by the World Series champion Philadelphia Phillies, it's time to ask
Who is this guy? Here are some facts about Cliff Lee.
Lee was born Clifton Phifer Lee in Benton, Ark. in 1978. At age 5, Lee decided he would go by "Cliff." He also decided to tell people that he was not given a middle name.
The left-hander played one season for the Arkansas Razorbacks in 2000 and was named 2002 Hog Nation Minor League Player of the Year by hognation.net. However, Hognation.com chose to ignore his fine season and instead continued to run risque pictures of obese women in American flag-themed lingerie.
In 2008, Lee's 22 wins were the most by an Indians pitcher since Gaylord Perry won 24 in 1972. The Indians commemorated Lee's feat by awarding him with the belt-sander that Perry used on the mound throughout the '72 season.
In 2002, Lee was part of the trade that sent Brandon Philips, Lee Stevens and Grady Sizemore from Montreal to Cleveland in exchange for Bartolo Colon and Tim Drew. Colon insisted Drew be included in the deal, as he was his personal chef/guy-who-would-run-to-Burger-King-at-midnight-for-him-to-get-a-few-Whoppers.
Lee won the AL Comeback Player of the Year Award in 2008. Lee was eligible for the award because in 2007 he went 5-8 with a 6.29 ERA and was plagued by acute suckitis. Yet he overcame the disease to win the Cy Young a year later. A movie about the inspiring comeback is already in production.
Lee and his wife, Kristin, have two children: Jaxon and Maci. Here is a photo of the family. Let's see a young, blonde wife. Two cute children, a boy and a girl. He's ridiculously wealthy. It's all too good to be true. What are you hiding, Lee? An ugly cat? A toilet that runs in your guest house? A musty odor that lingers for a day or two each year when you open your beach house? Back hair? Out with it! Stop living a lie, Phifer! We're onto you.
Our perfect hero is not perfect. Our emperor has no eyes.
Yes, it has been confirmed: Tim Tebow is nearsighted. So where does this leave us?
Well, the world is a horrible, dark place full of misery, death and hopelessness. The one god-like person we thought could save us all our supposed messiah, Tim Tebow can't even see who he's throwing to on a fly pattern. #!@#!
So we're all doomed. And we're all going to die. Horribly and painfully. And probably sooner rather than later.
On the bright side, if you're one of the poverty-stricken boys Tebow circumcised in Indonesia last summer, chances are his nearsightedness makes it likely he didn't mutilate your junk too bad. So that's a check in the plus category.